My previous posts were written so long ago. I decided to discuss another topic that is more aligned to my "today self".
On the 16th of October 2016 my third Eye opened. Which changed my life forever. That was the beginning of massive transformations within myself.
I used to think that I was 'chosen', or more open to perceive things beyond understanding.

Spirituality is a broad spectrum, paranormal, tarot cards you name it. But in my opinion spirituality in itself is a way of understanding life. Something I did not understand at 20 years old.
After isolating myself, like hermit. I was diving into myself. I was trying to heal myself from all harm I have experienced. I came to think about what is Ego and what is Spirit. I also was researching about chakras and the benefits and drawbacks of being HSP (High Sensitive Person). The two latter once will be discussed in future posts.

Ego vs Spirit/Soul
E: aim to win at all cost
S: finds the best outcome for everyone
E: tries to control the situation
S: trusts all is unfolding as it should be
E: stifled by fears from the past and worries for the future
S: open to joy + infinite possibilities in the present moment
E: struggles to change outer circumstances
S: manifests desires easily through inner transformation
E: fights for its share of limited power and resources
S: taps into abundance + boundless power within.

I in fact never was a perfect being. For me this transformation and awakening didn’t happen because neither was I a good person nor I was very understanding. I was in fact on the verge of turning to the bad side. I had a relationship back then and I was very controlling because of my insecurities. I was very anxious that I might lose the person I showed my vulnerable side with for the first time. I was afraid I will never find someone better. And I was afraid of ending up alone.

I was seeing a lot of opportunistic things when being in a relationship with that person. Yeah there was a lot of love. But I also saw a lot of ticket for a better “Material” future. I could use his surname to be seen as equal instead of staying ashamed having still my own name that makes me different. I wanted to become ruthless and egocentric. I was thinking about successes rather than doing what I truly desire. I let myself be used as a tool for sex because to be frank, the relationship became solely based on naked attraction. He admitted at the end that he stayed longer despite not having feelings for me anymore – only for sex because it sparked some fires within him. It hurt me a lot. The relationship didn’t work, because I became lost. I became him. The man I loved. But was it really love – I ‘til this day ask myself the same question.

I was not at all in tune with my spirit and maybe this awakening hit me because I neglected my morals and inner wisdom – because I was originally ashamed of it.
I abandoned my true self because I wanted to become like someone else. I believed in a better life but through ways that are not mine. I was only a mask. Until the mask fell off.
I needed to connect myself with my spirit self, or better said higher self.
That cost a lot of time, work, effort, understanding and selflove. I am still halfway there. But I am trying to become closer to my purpose in life.
I always used to think my purpose in life is become rich, have a partner and have children.
Until now. Yeah having a family could be a purpose but that is not a life-work. Because after having children, what would my life be like? If my partner leaves me what would my life be like? I would not have a life in fact. That’s why when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me I lost my purpose. Because I thought to fulfil my purpose, I will need that person.

Self-development is something that is very important in order to understand what life purpose is. There is more to life than achieving own successes. I thought to myself 'yeah I can have a job, but will it benefit myself or will it help others too'?
So I decided to become useful for humanity. This is still in process and progress. But I want to help people locally as a life coach. I feel like, the way I have been lost constantly – I can probably use my experiences to help others through it. I did it on my own but nobody should go through that on his/her own. That’s why I want to do this. Not to fulfil my ego Self but to serve other people and help them succeed in life.

My awakening was necessary so I could be beneficial to other people. But not only that. It is realising that people are not perfect, I am not perfect. I was very perfectionistic – I still have these patterns. But with perfectionism comes a great price. It is being judgemental and having high expectations of situations and others + having control over situations. Which all of them result in dispointment and inner turmoils.

Spirituality made me realise that people are unperfect beings. We are intentionally made like this. Otherwise we would be Gods in the heavens. But we aren’t. I had to rectify my own mistakes. I used to be kind of ignorant about minority groups like LGBT+ community, other cultural believers, poor people (although I am poor myself). I never asked why some people think like this or like that. I always put my judgment higher. Spirituality made me realise that all people on earth are here to become better just like me. I am no better than that stranger begging for food. I am no better than my ex-boyfriend. I am no better than a black man working to support his family. We are all following a path. But we also forget that we need each other’s support and feedback to continue on our road.
Spirituality is not (just) some paranormal thing. They are often associated with one another. I also love wiccan stuff, and I do lay cards from time to time. But spirituality in its core philosophy (let’s put it that way) is a way of connection to all (sentient)beings regardless of age, religion, status, nationality, ethnicity, etc. It’s also connection to earth, respect for animals, plants and trees because they are living beings too. It’s just being aware of our existence not only on earth but also in the whole galaxy.

It’s not just me that is important , we are collectively important with all of our own purposes. It puts a lot of things on perspective. It’s also forgiving. Forgiving people for their mistakes, giving them a chance to become better, motivating them to do better. It is noticing patterns, that keep on coming back – preventing us from abundance. And a lot of positivity.
Spiritual awakening is for each and everyone different, to me it is realising my own mistakes. And saving me from going to my downfall. If I wasn’t awakened, I would’ve either lived a very depressed and unhappy life. Or I would’ve killed myself because of more bad events crossing my path.

This awakening has truly been something I have never expected it to happen. It comes with darkness and bitterness. But it comes with a lot of lessons that will serve for a better outlook on life.

If we never got a taste of darkness how are we supposed to beam our light?

In one of my next posts I will talk more about ego and spirit and what my outlook on that is.

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