15/5/20

there are always hard times in life. our life is not meant to be stress free. God, intentionally gave us difficult obstacles to face. yet It doset help when other people add more stress.

dear parents,
you are so fucking childish. you act so immature. you two forget you have a daughter in the house. sometimes I just want you two to get a divorce so I can breath in peace.

dad, why are you so hung up on your siblings. why do you bring their shit in our house. I understand you are the elder but honestly fuck our culture rn. you are so stupid. can you not see they are manipulating you, tarnishing your name and driving you away from us. do you love them that much that you would sacrifice us? please tell me so I can just stop hearing my mom cry one time and then the next second see her trailing for your needs. man the fuck up. and let others handle their own shit. they don't need you, we need you.

mom, stop trying to act strong, when you are not. you are unintentionally mentally fucking abusing me without knowing. I am not someone you can let your anger out. I am affected when you shout at, insult, or when you say I don't care. I FKN CARE. all I want sometimes is you to hold me in your arms and say Im here for you. you can talk to me. I love you. I am not a 12 year old child anymore. I can handle shit now, If you let me. I know you want me to become a succesful doctor and stand up for myself. I know you don't want me to end up like you. but please. please just hear yourself talking sometimes. it cuts me. like a knife.

allah please forgive me today. I know that I should be patient. and wallahi I am trying. but sometimes their words cut deep. sometimes I wonder if I hadn't come back to Pakistan to become a doctor, we could have a avoided half of these conflicts at least. I am worried about the future. ya Allah I know I don't pray often. I know that I miss Quran. ya Allah I just need them to stop. I need them to get their shit together.

I blame them for making me not able to study properly, but in reality I'm the only one to blame. I should be pushing myself not swallowing self pity. but they make me so miserable sometimes that I just want to die. give me sabr, give me haddaiyat, give me peace of mind.