Hi, my name is Eliška and I'm 20 y.o. now. I write this because: 1. I need to write it down or tell someone to let it go out of my mind and my mouth. Sadly, I don't have anyone to tell around me so here I go. 2. Some poeple don't understand some kinds of behaviour and this could help them to see inside at least a little. 3. If someone is like me, if someone feels the way I use to, I hope it will help you to feel that you are not alone. We can be different colour, mindset, religion, gender etc. but when it comes to our mental healt we are always in this together, not only when corona comes...
I just had a long panic attack, mental breakdown, crying time and I feel terrible. I know I'm not alone who is really sensitive and thinks a lot. I know I'm not the only one who suffers a lot when it comes to conflicts, angry people etc. A little louder voice or angry face can make me really sad, anxious and nervous for the rest of the day. I have ADHD, I'm anxious, I'm deppressed. My boyfriend says it's not real, I'm overthinking everyting and I'm irrational and also that he has his problems too and mine are not worth the weight I give them. At least it sounds like that and I feel like he thinks so but I also think he would tell me I'm wrong again. My memory is really bad. I hardly remember all the information people tell me because I think it's not important at that moment. I say they didn't tell me and they go angry that they did and I'm lying. I'm trying my best to be "normal, healthy" young woman, but it's never enough. I'm either not enough or too much. It hurts. I cried and it felt like my heart fell apart into a thousand pieces. I always try to be sympathetic and help people around me. I was always like that. It wasn't enough and for someone it was even too much. I don't really know what to do with my life anymore. Actually, I think I've never known. But now I fail at everything important and life just sucks for me. I love my family, my few true friends I can believe but unfortunately I'm not able to be just happy. I know I should and I try to but it's really hard. I have no hobbies anymore so I try to make some and keep doing it to make me feel better and not just like a useless piece of shit. I failed exams at university so I applied for new one. I love photography but I'm not really talented. Anyway, my parents gave me new camera so I try to do my best with that, to learn how it works and how to make good shots. My lifegoal is to be happy so I try to remember what I can appreciate in my life often. My relationship works really poorly. We don't get along, we don't understand each other, we aren't able to communicate properly and to be tolerant enough. We love each other, at least I think so. I just think now, after almost 4 years together, maybe I should use less emotions and more intelligence. I suffer and even though I know it isn't easy with me, I don't deserve to be this down in my life for so long. I want to enjoy every basic moment of life, every second of watching movie holding hands, every minute of sitting next to him driving me somewhere. I think I'm a really reasonable person, I'm really appreciative and I want everyone I like to be happy but sometimes it's not possible to make myself and also someone else happy at the same time. I'd really love to, but I don't want to waste my time, energy and happiness for something what's "originally just chemical reaction and now, I sadly think, just habitude". I would really love to know if it can be better, but weren't 4 years enough to know it won't? I'm sad, I'm tired and I really hate when he tells me that I'm mad because of nothing. I don't want to cry so much and I don't want to be so suicidal these few last days. I was already ok few years ago, I loved my life, I was happy, I had friends and I enjoyed a lot of stuff. Now it came back. These thoughts are back and I don't want them. I just like him and don't wanna lose him too much. And hopefully I will figure everything out. My dad told me he would call some psychiatrist in our area and he wants me to try to tackle my problems before I go to the university again. I have 2 months, I don't think it's enough but I already hate this word so I will try my best. I'm so lucky to have my family and my dad who, unfortunately, I inherited some of my mental problems from. If you feel similar to me and someone offers you help, please take it and be greatful. And if you have noone like that in your life now, find yourself a doctor and try to work it out! I don't know you but you deserve to be happy as I deserve to be. Do things that make you feel good and don't let people to put you down because it seems dumb and childish to them. Be yourself even though it's hard as hell in this world. Sending love and understanding to you!