Hi everyone! I never actually wrote my feelings down but today I felt like it might help. I was reading a lot of articles about how to get over that one boy. I honestly don´t know what to do. So i´ll just give this a try. It´s also the first time i´ll write an article so i hope i´ll do it good.

So ...

First of all, I'll introduce him and myself. Or more precisely, our past. I was never friends with him, we never liked each other and we never really had a conversation. He had his group of friends and I had mine, our groups of friends sometimes agree and sometimes we hated each other but we knew each other well and some had a kind of relationship with each other.

So that's where it started, he had a thing with my girlfriend about two years ago. She wanted more and serious things but he didn't. He told me he just wanted her for fun like everyone else. He had a lot of different girls but only had one serious relationship. He had had something with another girlfriend, nothing serious either. He was someone who didn't really care about girls and someone who seemed really cheeky. He was interesting in my eyes... Because I played with two of his friends and gave them hope just like he did with those girls.

So then I didn't go to his school for him because I didn't really know him and I never saw him anyway. Then around October we started talking but not as friends. We'd fight first and then we'd really hate each other. Then we started to flirt a bit but we still had hatred for each other, yet we laughed with each other. It was kind of cute.

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November, the month where everything really started. We had our first date. It wasn't a real date but just seeing each other so we know what was going on between us. So I went to see him in the evening, it was dark and cold. It was so weird. We went first to find a place because I didn't want to go where he went with those girls. So we'd step around and he'd put his arms around me, which was cute.

We found a place. We got along so well and there it was our first kiss. I kept saying it was a bad idea and we shouldn't do that but we did it anyway, we kissed. It was the best feeling ever. At the end of that night I went home and we met almost every weekend. It was so secret no one knew about us.

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lmao I really thought

So everything went well. Then we got into all kinds of trouble but we stayed together. Then all kinds of things happened during quarantine. He told me things like "I don't want to", "what we're doing is bad", "you're not the woman for me"... I was hurt so bad. I felt something was wrong so I asked my girlfriend what I thought they were sending. Whatever it was, he was flirting with her while he was with me. I asked her to join me. Then she sent me a few days after that he mistakenly created a group on twitter with girls. He sent a message of "send this to your crush." I sent him that he replied late and made a joke of it.

He didn't care. He was playing with my feelings. He called the girl he was with, played a game with another girl that only he and I played and a lot of other things. He didn't take it seriously and he said it wasn't official after all. So I said there was nothing between us and it's done.

You'd think it was really done but no I couldn't resist. I loved and still love him, I was ready to forgive him. Couple of weeks later I saw him, finally after three months. It was so much fun and I was the happiest thing of all. He said he couldn't send until the day after. It wasn't a problem, I still didn't hear him the next day. Two days later I saw through a fake account of me that he put something on instagram. We blocked each other everywhere so I made that account. He still didn't send me. So it was clear he was lying about it. I didn't understand why we were having such a good time. So I sent it to him that he was just playing again and didn't take it seriously. I then blocked him.

Why

For once, I gave my everything to someone.
For once, I wanted to do everything with someone.
For this one time I really wanted a future with someone.

Why don't I have it?
Why is he leaving?
Why am I not enough?

What did I do wrong?
What did you want me to do?
What does she have that I don't have?
What does she say you like?

Was everything a lie?
Will things work out between us?

I'll never know the answer to all those questions. All I know is the answer to that last question... No, the answer is no. It's not gonna be okay because it wasn't meant to be. That's why it was so toxic what we had.

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I did my best and I wasn't enough for you. I sincerely hope that you will find someone you will love with all your heart and make a beautiful family with. I'm proud of you and I grant you all the success you've had. You were a boy who made me so happy and made me laugh at every moment. I'm sure you'll find someone who will make you so happy too.

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Everyone deserves happiness and love, unfortunately I wasn't that for you like you were for me.

Thank you everyone, I wish no one this pain. I hope everyone finds his or her love. It really is something beautiful and I know that. Rn I don´t really believe in it and I just don´t see it happening to me. I hope it will happen but I gave someone my everything and all my love and he didn´t care. I feel like i´m numb. So for now I´ll just focus on me.