Yes, I was thinking about you

But like the badass I am, I managed to make it about myself
So now I’m thinking about me. Of how I made us such a big deal in my life for the last couple months, but it was really about a lot of internal affairs. Turns out I’m very insecure, who would have guessed. I also have real problems with trusting people, and with intimacy. So, when I felt attracted to you, I had to convince myself you were this special person, so I could feel confident enough to do the things we did.

It actually worked, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel guilty, or bad, about our more… intimate moments. I actually miss them, which is a whole new thing for me to deal with. But, there was fallout from this. I trusted you so much, I made you so special, and with that a lot of expectations found their way into my mind. I was so ready for us to end, for you to get tired of me, but in my mind, you would deal with it in a completely different than the one you actually did, because again, I put this absurd trust in our capacity to be mature, and special, and connected. Which we’re not...and that’s fine, we have time, we’re going to get better in all this but, most likely, with other people.

Soooo, I made this about you. Or us, at least. I’m sorry. But I’m working on making things about me first, after all, I’m the one I really have to deal with forever and ever. No matter how much I sometimes want to get away from myself, that’s just not going to happen.

Oh look, now I’m thinking if you ever feel the need to get away from me. Or even from yourself. I know it’s not my place, but I have this weird habit of wanting to understand others, especially people I am, or was, close with. Another think I’m trying to quit or, at least, not make such a big part of my mental habits. Turns out I’m never going to fully understand what’s going on in other people’s mind. And I have to be okay with that.

I guess I have a lot to work on, which is great, in some ways. But I have to say it would be amazing if I was already all figured out and emotionally intelligent. I guess I’m just not that evolved yet, but I can’t wait to be. Hope I get there, because this emotional rollercoaster is really tiring.

Anyways, been thinking about you. Kind of hope you’re thinking about me too.