What if I tell them that I am not better

What if I tell you that I don’t know who I am
What if I tell you I don’t know how I survived the last year
How I did it
How I fed myself
And why
Why did I kept going
Why did I even try so damn hard

It’s still not better
And I don’t like you telling me, that you think it is
Cause it’s not
I don’t know how I survived
Don’t know how I did it, don’t know why I did it

What if I tell you that I’m not
That I’m not better, and I’m never gonna be
What if I tell you that I’m not the ideal that you want me to be
What if I’m not as strong
What if I’m not strong enough

Would it make you feel better
If I told you it was, cause I do
I like to tell everyone it’s fine
I like to tell everyone it’s good

Even tho it’s not
Cause I don’ know what else to say
Cause you can’t help anyway

My body looks healthy, I think
You tell me
But my mind is far from it
I still see the same, feel the same
Desperate, hopeless

I want to stop
Want it to stop
But I always remember that quote, that said
‘The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life, when I wanted to die’

So I remember that
And I try to keep on it, don’t know if it’s working, but it has to
So I hope it does get better
But I don’t know

And I still feel sick
I also just want to stop doing it
But at the same time
I don’t want my life to end, I just want the life that I live right now to end

My mindset…
Or the mindset I’m having whilst I’m writing this
I want that to end

Cause it comes to often, it’s too heavy to carry and I just want to cry
But let’s be honest, I find it hard to speak
Cause I don’t see the change
And I think I still need help, but I won’t ask for it

I’ll figure it out.