And here I am. Sitting in my room. Heartbroken for the first time in my life, but still smiling. No tears. Just a bad feeling in my stomach ad pain in my heart.
It was raining those last few days and I felt like god, or whoever is in controle, even he/she was sad about it. Today the sun came out and for the first time in so long it wasn't terribly hard to get out of bed. My mood changed, I realised that more than I want you... I want you to be happy. If she actually makes you happy than I am happy for you. But I just can't help but wonder what would have happened if WE met all this time ago.
And again our whole story is playing in my head like one of those movies i hate so much...
I forgot how it started. I honestly don't, but I also don't care because you don't need an explanation for something this beautiful. The way I think it started is... I saw you on bumble. That's the onl good explaination for it because as you said you had your snap on bumble. So I added you.
One month later I was scrolling through my snaps out of boredom and saw your name. Totally confused I asked you if I knew you. You said I added you and we tried to find out how I got your snap. So we got this theory about bumble.
We started talking and it was just do easy to talk to you. You got me. It felt special. I felt special. I told you my secrets, even the ones I was to afraid to share with my therapist and you did the same.
We wanted to meet and have some 420 fun. The night came, I was nervous. You were at a concert before and I was out with my friends. But I am a dumb insecure bitch so I drank... a lot. At 3 you texted me, asking where I was because xou wanted to come to me and meet me in the city. Well the thing is... before I even went out I drank one and a half bottes of wine and when I was finally out i drank at least 4 bottles of beer, jägerbombs and other liqueur... and then i puked... onto a girl whle trying to get to the toiletts... so I got myself a taxi home at 2:30am.
I really want to slap myslef for getting this drunk and it's just embarrassing...
We tried to meet again but you told me that meetung me wasn't yout first priority when you cancelled to meet up with your friends. And i thought to myself "At least he is honest".
A while later we stopped texting for no reason at all and when I finally texted you again... you were already seeing another girl. Which was so, so, so surprising because your excuse for not meeting me was corona and then you meet up with another girl you've nevr met before?
Why not with me? Just because I would have needed to travel a longer distance? I don't even care what reason xou had for that. You met her and I asked you if you loved her. You said it was too early to tell and that you weren't sure if you wanted to commit to a relationship.
And that jusr got my hoped up, ya know? Because I think, it might be foolish or dumb but, I truly believe that if you find the right person, the one, your human, your soulmate, the love of your life, that you don't give a fuck and you would do everything in your power to get with that person, that you crave a relationship with that person and not that you aren't sure but that you are so sure of it like you've never been of anything... I hoped that, that would mean yoiu and her were just a short time thing... nothing serious.
Well when I asked you how it was going with her a few weeks later xou told me that you guys were in a relationship now. That was a week ago. And instead of feeling sorry for myself, that you chose someone else or feeling sorrx for ypou because you missed out on something that woudl have been great, I am just happy for you. If she really, truly makes you happy than that's all I need to know. I mean I could have made you happy as well but it's her and that's okay.
You were the first guy I actually truly liked and not just for your good looks but for the person you are and the man you are going to be.
Still I can't help but wonder what laying in your arms would feel like. I can't help myself. I imagine what it would feel like to have your breath in my neck while cuddling you, your skin agains mine and your eyes admiring me. But maybe it is a good thing that you chose her because things are never the way you imagine. I set myself up for dissapointment with all the dreaming about you. So maybe it's good that we are a lovestory that never happend because having you and losing xou would have been way worse.
I still hope that the day will come where you come back to me and tell me that you like me...
Oh man...
Only if you did...