it started in february. its not like we ever dated. we never were serious. honestly we never even flirted much. we were both just so careful and overthought our every move. neither of us were bold. but we knew we liked each other. he never told me in the beginning, though. he told his friends who told my friends who told me. he initiated everything. he talked to all my friends. he told them how he felt. but he never told me. we were probably going to go to prom together. but then corona happened.

and so throughout quarantine he became my normal routine. he kept me sane. even though i didn't talk to him every second of the day and we were never really open with each other, and our conversations were shallow and superficial, we both knew where we were trying to go. or so i thought? but i got used to him. i daydreamed about him. i knew that he was nice, and genuine, and wouldn't ask me to send him pictures. i thought he truly liked me. and wouldn't hurt me. i thought we were both set in our feelings and we both wanted things to progress. but things were moving really slow.

he knew that i was shy, and we had only hung out twice before quarantine, and both of which we didn't really speak much, since we hung out in large groups. but i genuinely thought nothing i did would change our status because i believed it was me that he wanted and me he sought a relationship with.

for three months he was all i thought about. day and night. i fantasized about a relationship with him. dating him. how convenient it would be. dating him would introduce me to new friends. i already was familiar with a lot of the people in his group, but i would have finally been accepted and invited places. i ended up falling for him. i ended up liking him a lot. i got attached to the idea of him and obsessed with the thought that maybe he would introduce me to intimacy. i knew that he was a virgin, but he had experience. and he was so nice. and understanding. he would have been the perfect boyfriend. he wouldn't have played with my heart. he wasn't heartless like all the other boys. he was normal. and kind. and genuine.

for all that time, for the months we talked in quarantine without seeing each other, without a lot of pressure, there wasn't a lot of flirting or affection. sure, we talked every day, but both of us were too scared to take things to the next level. but one day he asked to facetime. i was so nervous i wanted to throw up. but i was so excited because i had dreamed of it. of things progressing like that. of him stepping up and us taking things to the next level.

we talked for two hours. we made plans to go out to eat two days later. he said he would pick me up. we talked until 1 am. i was excited.

he talked to my friends about it. asked them if he should come to my door when he picks me up. said he was a little nervous. the day of i was nervous out of my mind. but everything ended up ok. it was raining and we had to run through it to get into the restaurant. we were both soaking wet and smiling as we sat down. and then we talked and laughed and got to know each other and it was good. he paid even though i offered. i really liked his smile. i liked his hair. i liked looking at him.

then dinner was over. we went back to his car. there was no sunset, so he suggested we go and park at the top of a parking lot and pretend we were looking at the sunset and watch the storm instead. we parked, and talked, and laughed.

he tried to kiss me. i was so surprised by the sudden outright display of affection. never before had he told me he liked me or shown any kind of affection towards me. it was all only implied. i pulled away from him. told him i was inexperienced and didn't know how. but then it ended up ok. he kissed me again and i kissed him back. and after we pulled away and something else came up, he looked at me, said "one more time" and kissed me again. i didn't really like the kiss. my eyes were open for some of it and i didn't know what i was doing. i thought it was strange and felt weird. it was sloppy. but i don't know. i miss it now.

he told me he liked me a lot. after three months of talking, he finally told me. and we clarified we were on the same page. that i liked him back. he took me back home. he asked if i'd want to do this again sometime. i smiled and said yes.

and then we didn't speak for 36 hours. we sent pictures on snapchat with no substance. i didn't think anything was wrong. i thought we were both just taking some time before speaking again.

until he was with his friends. and he sent me that text. it told me that he didn't see us moving forward and wanted to be friends. i was shocked. i was so attached. i was so used to the idea of him and being with him and spending high school with him. how easily he could detach himself. i thought he had liked me all this time. he told me that he did. i guess he realized that he just didn't like me anymore. that's what he told his friends.

we were never dating, we were never serious, but i was so used to him, so attached and invested, i liked him so much. i thought we were going places. i thought that he liked me. i thought he was genuine and nice.

and now i don't know how to move on. i thought about him every day and every night. i day dreamed about him. he was everything to me. and that's my fault. i got too attached to the idea of him and the potential. i felt so comfortable and so content with him. with the idea of him. i loved imagining and thinking about the possibilities. and talking day to day with him. and now it's just over. how do i move on. i just know i will never find someone like him again. someone who isn't completely experienced, who i like, who is genuine and understanding, who could give themselves to me the same way i would. who values their future and their body, who doesn't drink or smoke, who is normal. who i feel safe with. who i could see myself falling in love with so easily.

i will be hurting for a very long time. im not sure how to get over it. how to move on. what did i even think about before him? he consumes my every thought. and the worst part is i know he doesn't feel the same. he isn't caught up on me. he initiated everything, strung me along, let me believe he liked me all this time. and the he took it away. and i cant do anything about it.

he's on snapchat all the time now. the worst part is when i check his location and see it's just now. knowing that he's constantly on the app when he's not talking to me. ever. he never will again. when we would snapchat, he was never ever on snapchat this much. he would go on for one minute to snapchat me and then leave a minute later. what could he possibly be doing now. on snapchat. without me.

and we're going to lose our two month super best friend emoji on snapchat soon. not sure when, but i know that parts going to hurt.

i simply CANT. ACCEPT. that he's over me and we're over and never going to speak again. i cant accept it. i don't know how to move on. life seems bleak now. someone. please. help me.

thats it.