I wish I was better at telling people how I really feel. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like a doormat, walked all over as people come and go. I’m like an artist, I paint smiles on everyone’s faces, except my own. I’m the happy, friendly cheerful girl, who never fails to make a joke to put you in a better mood. Except its not fair. In all this trying to make others feel better and worrying about how others may feel I forget about myself. I forget about my own feelings, my own happiness. And then in a blink of an eye, I’m alone. I always end up left alone to remember all my bottled up feelings, all my mixed emotions, and my own mental health.
I know what you're probably thinking, “just don’t be sad” “get over it its not that hard” But its really not that easy. You might tell your brain to just stop being sad, but it doesn't work like that, because at the same time you tell your brain that, your brain tells you that its impossible and that you need to be sad, about something. Thats just how depression works. Living with depression is like watching everyone around you breathe, and no matter how hard you try you just cant breathe the same oxygen as them. People think depression is just being sad, they think its just when you “feel down” its not, its something that takes over your life, it drains you both mentally and physically, you never want to do anything anymore. Its not sadness, its not anger, its hopelessness. Imagine waking up and theres not color, eating a meal and not tasting anything, holding someone but still feeling so alone. You simply feel like there is no hope left.
I’ve felt this way for years, its not a pleasant feeling, but honestly you learn to live with it. I spend my days laughing my pain away, trying to fill my head with funny, dumb thoughts that overlap the sadness. That helps, it actually helps a lot.