My relationship with writing has been rather bumpy. I've always liked writing and I would write poems when I was younger, but I started really writing stories - and publishing them online - when I was about twelve. Now, this age is really good for one's imagination and I was no different; I wrote every day I could, starting new stories almost every week. I wrote mostly One Direction fanfiction and, even now, years later, I still have a file with over fifty stories, most of them written from 2011 to 2013.

On december 2013, I started writing the story that I would, later on, publish, all the way over in 2016. I wrote exclusively on Wattpad (I'm sure most of you know of this site) and the curious thing with this is, I kept writing a lot, having new ideas every day, filling my brain with all these possible plots and characters, but...it wasn't the same. And the reason for that was the fact that, earlier on, I wouldn't publish every story I wrote, but by this time...I did. And it was really toxic for me.

Now, I realise that what I wanted was people reading every thing I wrote. I wanted attention; because some of my stories were really popular over there in the Portuguese side of Wattpad, I thought all of them could be as well. People liked what I wrote, but I hadn't yet learned one great, important little thing: people tended to like what I wrote, yeah, but they would only read it if it was written in the fanfiction format.

By the time I was fifteen, I was getting really tired of only writing fanfiction and had kind of a breakdown. I changed every Harry, Louis, Liam, Zayn or Niall on my stories to names I made up, desperately trying to get rid of the weight those five names had on my stories. This was the catalyst to me learning that aforementioned little thing, because no longer having the One Direction boys in my stories made people lose interest.

It took me until this year, when I turned twenty, to come to terms with this. After 2014, I barely wrote anymore, because when I would publish something online, I wouldn't have readers. I was measuring my capability, my talent, my imagination by the number that would appear on the screen. Sure, sometimes I would have a small epiphany and be like "I will write what I want, and publish what I want!" and would write a small story and only publish it if I was confortable.

I spent the last four years like this. Barely writing for months and then, when the summer came and I finally had strenght and motivation enough within me, I would write a story in a week or two. It really wasn't good to me, because I wasn't improving, I was only writing so I would no longer feel like I was neglecting that part of me. I excused myself over and over again, using the fact that school kept me busy, that I was stressed, that I had things to do...you know the drill.

This year, this changed. Finally! Yeah, I barely wrote for the first half of the year but when june came...I wrote like crazy. I'd had this story in my brain for about three months and I could no longer not write it...so I did. And I loved it. I wrote 90 thousand words in five days, about forty small chapters (that I now edited and combined, cutting the chapter number in half). I had cramps in my wrists from writing so much, I barely slept and even when I wasn't writing, I was dreaming about the story.

And I really liked what I had written. A month later, I started writing another story and, even though I never finished that one, I still wrote a lot, about thirthy thousand words. Then, in august, I wrote another story: a One Direction fanfiction...my catharsis. And I love that story so much that I decided to publish it on my Wattpad profile and people have been really liking it so far.

So, my relationship with my writing has been really bumpy. I spent years not even writing properly, calling myself a writer just because I had actually published a book. I thought I could never write as good a novel as the one I published, I thought I would never publish a book again and that killed my motivation. It tore me apart.

But, now twenty years old, I decided that I wouldn't let myself do that again, for one small reason: I want to be a writer. And a good writer, writes. And that's what I will do.