Its not just the fact that I might lose you again
Its not just the fact that you will be miles away from me
its the having to wake up 7am everyday
Having to go downstairs
Sit in silence on that dark blue, old beaten couch
Its having to stare down at my hands
To hide the tears trickling down my cheeks
Chew on my nails to keep myself from thinking
Its having to hide the amount of love I have for you
Because for them, it was wrong to feel it
Its the fact that the couch beneath me
Could hold it better than I ever mustered to
Its the fact of how scary it was for me
To look at my reflection in the mirror
Its the fact that I didn’t take care of myself
every time I caught my fleeting reflection on a glassed door or in the mirror
I cried, and it hurt to see myself
Because every time I looked at myself I didn’t like how hurt the eyes staring back at me were
I couldn’t recognize myself and that scared me
Its the fact of how I refused to eat my favorite food
The fact that I couldn’t go out under the sunshine cuz I was declared too dangerous to be outside
Only able to look out the window on the singing birds, running happily kids, couples hand in hand…
I don’t want to live in that small dark jail cell like anymore
Its the fact of how my parents could only speak about how many times I disappointed them
Of feeling like I was no good for anyone, anything
Of trying to take my life with my own little hands
Getting too close to do it
Then the laugh of my lil brother erupts
And I am reminded again of why I shouldn’t
Talking to my parents about it
Being told I deserved to feel this way
For all the shame I had brought to this small house
Never knew what depression is till that time
Never understood why people simply couldn’t be able to find happiness, joy
Till I was forced to experience it first hand
Its seeing people live, and wonder if I will ever get the chance to
Its seeing people love, and wonder if I will ever get to tell you how much I love you

-Numi