I hate you so much, but I love you more. I can't understand why you.. Your smile melts my heart &' when I'm with you, you make me happy, but it's hard when the person you love &' care about the most doesn't appreciate you or reciprocate the same feelings or effort you give them.

You're driving me crazy. Literally &' figuratively. I feel as though the love we have or had never existed. Like if I just imagined it all in my head. Shit makes me feel to drive off a bridge because I can't possibly wrap my head around the logic, your logic, behind our relationship. Always telling me to go but when I tell you I'm leaving you threaten me.

You make my heart hurt. You have me up crying every night that you ignore me or don't talk to me. Do you even love me? Did you ever love me..? Yes I know you've been hurt, but so have I. Yet still I try with you all the time. I try to be here for you even though you constantly push me away or leave me in the dark wondering what's really going on. &' when I make assumptions you get angry with me, telling me to stop assuming &' that I'm wrong.

I'm always the one to be apologizing because you never admit your wrongs. You always find a way to turn it around on me saying it's my fault our relationship's falling apart. Yes I know I have my downfalls, nobody's perfect. But every time you bring up something I'm doing wrong or tell me to adjust I do, unlike you. Every time I bring up a problem you always get angry, ignore me, or say we'll talk about it &' then brush it off. It's not fair &' you never think about my feelings, only yours.

You gave me a basic set of fair ground rules, but why don't they apply to you? Why must I be a homebody while you always out with your friends? How come I can't be on the phone but you're always talking you other girls? You tell me that I'm never there for you.. &' I don't check to see if you're straight or put in any effort, but I always do. I told you I'm here for you, call me whenever you need me &' I'll answer &' make myself free, but you never vented to me. You never talk to me but will always call others &' then you ask me why I act the way I do. Plus you were never really there for me either, especially when I needed you badly. You even said it yourself.

Giving other females MY attention &' treating them how you used to treat me. Aren't I suppose to be your girlfriend? Got me out here feeling like a clown &' like I'm never gonna be enough for you, like I'm not what you wanted. You got me fucked up for real bro &' I'm tired, but I'm still not ready to give up on you completely. I still have a little hope that you'll actually start to respect &' care about me.

I hope someday you'll actually try to understand where I'm coming from, &' try to help fix our relationship without hiding everything from me or making everything into an argument. I wish things between us would get better..

~To My Toxic Boyfriend. (Now Ex.)