Image by chocolattae 𑁍
Diary to the Moon - Thoughts.

—english is not my native language, sorry for mistakes.
—names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
—don’t you take it seriously, it’s just a fictional diary.

{Her name is Luna.
I call her like this because
she is writing a diary to the actually Moon
but at the same time she is writing for herself.}

{I called him, Sky.
Yeah, because he is the one
who embrace her.
She exists because she can live
into his figurative arms.}

{Other characters may be mentioned:
— Jupiter
— Venus
— Neptune
— Mercury
— Mars
— Earth
— Wolf
— Lion

They are all so important}

{You’re probably wondering why
I’ve decided to publish this article,
well I did it because I needed it.
I needed to share the feelings of a girl
who lost herself into herself,
because her feelings are too strong, too confused
and she needs to explode in words before to explode herself.
I need this.
I think everyone needs to share their interior universe
and I wanna do it exactly referring to the characters as part of it.
I don’t know if will probably figure out of who I am going to write about, maybe you will or not.
Maybe you will find a childish young girl,
Maybe you will find a young girl in love.
She is both.}

[♡]
↳ let’s begin. [1 of unknown]

moon, night, and dark image Image by Such a good Girl

To the moon; ☾
/180819/
I’ve started to talk to you every time I see you. I think I am doing it everyday. I follow you with my eyes just to wish the same every night. I don’t know why I am asking to you, maybe because I believe in universe’s superpowers. I believe the moon can listen to my deepest desires, then she can talk with the universe to make it happen and at the last make it true by the power of the sun. Every morning I wake up thinking about the sun received your message and waiting for a sign by the universe to tell me ‘don’t worry, wait some more. It will happen. You’re right. You both are already meant for each other and one day you will find happiness in his arms.

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To the moon; ☾
/190819/
check my physical diary >>>

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constellation, stars, and tumblr image astronomy, color, and constellation image

To the moon; ☾
/200819/
I haven’t see you today, but doesn’t matter because I know you are always watching me. Same wish, again. You know I need it and I know that this is just a phase in which I need to write my feelings down. Don’t you think isn’t true because of it. My love is sincere and pure. You know, today I saw those fake pictures about him going to a date. Even if they was fake, I started to think about that when it will happen (and it will happen) I think my heart will break in a thousand pieces and I really don’t know how I could fix it. It’s really hard to be the one who wish him to be happy but at the same time being the one you can’t make it happen. I know, I think about I am so stupid doing it. Since the moment I met him my life changed, but his life it’s just the same. Nothing into his constellation changed. If we are meant to be, should it changes the universe for both of us?

It’s not just me, but I am feeling alone.
I wish to be in two.

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art, blue, and boy image quotes image

To the moon; ☾
/210819/
It’s me again. Today is very hard for me writing about wishes come true because I don’t really believe this is going to happen. I am actually hopeless. Every day is becoming so hard to think about a possibility to meet him and being loved by him and it really breaks my heart. Especially today because the news I’ve received. I don’t have any chance to see him even during a show, how could I believe to meet him and even falling in love for each other? I’ve also already finished a kdrama about true love and even if the message behind the story is really good, well it finished so bad for my otp and for a person who deserved to be loved. I am just like him. I think I deserve this love but it will never happen.
I am sorry moon, I am not in the mood

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To the moon; ☾
/220819/
Dear moon, I finally saw you tonight and I begged with all my heart about the same issue. We always talk about the same thing, right? I just wanted to underline what I saw today. I met the dark side of them and their storyline. It made me so sad about, but I realized that I was ready to be by his side even into this parallel universe. Even in another one, I would have loved him. All I wanted was grabbing his hand and telling him I was there for him. I would have helped him in anyway and I would have loved him till the end. It made me think that the theme of suicide it really fits for him and that’s make me both scary and sad. He lost his friend because of it during a very rush period, that’s why I can’t imagine how hard was for him being the Sky on stage and the regular Sky. Knowing that he really felt that pain makes me feeling that too. Also, you know, it was hard to see him with someone else. Another thing to remind me that maybe every single world I spend for him, with you, is useless.

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To the moon; ☾
/230819/ & /240819/
Dear moon, I am here. I am late but I am here. I can’t stop doing this when I think that maybe writing is the key to take me to him one day. I know that writing is a kind of magic this world uses every day, that’s under humans’s nose but some of them are not able to notice its power. These thoughts may be seems to you a little bit confused because I am trying to fit two days in one. I went out Friday night and I saw you so big over my house’s roof watching me come back home after meeting some friends who reminded me how much I want him to be by my side. I just want to share with him regular things, basic moments. I want the boring everyday life with him and also the adventures from a romance/comedy movie. I think we can fit perfectly in a Love Actually movie, or 500 days of Summer, maybe. We could be so perfect in Midnight in Paris, right? But, I am dreaming too much. All I wanted to say tonight it’s that I could cry, I really could cry if you don’t you do something to put us together. I am crying. I am half because I love him so much and half because I can’t live without him by my side. How many times should I tell you that we are perfect for each other? I know, there are so many people out there that think to be his soulmate, but if I can’t support myself, who should I support? They made me improve myself confidence and helped me so much. That’s why I need to think to be special. Am I right? All that darkness vanished when I met them, there has to be a reason. Everything has a reason and that’s why you need to help me to prove that I am not wrong, that I deserve to be happy with him. Just with him.

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To the moon; ☾
/250819/ & /260819/
Dear moon, I am so in love with him.
I know that I told it yet because of Wolf (I think he is the only one in my life that I have ever been truly in love with), but I swear that it’s true and I am trying to convince myself that is different this time, but I can’t lie to myself. Just because my needs are changed since I was younger, doesn’t it means that he is the one who is going to give me them. Every day it’s hard going on without him by my side because everything out there talks about him, makes me think about him. It’s not me, it’s the world who wants me to picture Sky in those basic moments in my life. You know what I found yesterday? He loves one of my favorite movies that I have ever seen, it’s Midnight In Paris. As I know his personality I started thinking that he could fit perfectly into the atmosphere of this movie and I found that when he went to Paris. He took some pictures to recreate the scenes of the movie. I wanted to visit the same places too. Don’t you see it, Moon? Are you understanding it, Universe? What about Fate? Am I right? Everything is screaming to me that we are meant to be in a very deep way. How I am suppose to not believe it? Maybe it’s true. There are people in this world that are meant to be and other people that stay together.

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To the moon; ☾
/270819/
Dear Moon, I really need to talk with you tonight. It’s me the 24 years girl and the 12 years girl both. Let me explain why. I believe I have two ages: I spent 24 years old being alive, but my “emotional age” grew up just until 12 years old. I am basically a baby and it think that’s why I am going to talk like that. They created today a giant rumor about Jupiter having a girlfriend, he’s not but they also talk about being happy if they find a person to love and love them back and also to have fun, you know what I mean. I think the same thing, the 24 years girl thinks that, but the 24’s one mixed with me 12’s? Well, it’s hard for her. As Sung Deok Mi said in Her Private Life: there are some stages for a fangirl until accepting her idol is involved in a romantic relationship and she is a young woman just like me, not a teenager. So, when you arrive to stage 5 you can finally remember to yourself that you want your idol to be happy. That’s what I want for them, I swear. It’s hard for all of them, but I can do it. I love them in that way in which I can understand it easily (maybe just a little bit less for Mars, but you know why, because I am really into him). It’s hard to understand it when we talk about Sky. It’s a process that takes time. I am here, in the first stage of fangirling after just 90 days and I understand that my emotions are so confused now. I did it with Wolf too. I didn’t like Lion at the beginning, I wrote about how much I wanted to be the person to make him happy, but at the end I stared to ship them. It was actually more easy because a fangirl can takes just two ways: ship them or do not like them. There’s no other way. And I know that Sky is going to meet a girl someday and it will be very very hard because I already know I am not going to ship them. Yes, I know I am saying it now, during this moment, but you know? Maybe I am right. I don’t like Wolf’s new boyfriend neither and I am not In love with him as I do now, I do not think he is my soulmate as I think it about Sky. That’s the problem: I am seriously in love with him. I see chances? Yeah, I don’t know where I am seeing them, but my brain, my emotions are convinced that something could happen. I am living an illusion and I know it’s an illusion but I don’t want to believe it is. It’s so weird, my mind is not okay. It’s like I don’t want to face the truth because it makes me feel special it’s the only think I can do for myself, for going on. I am a selfish fangirl you know? I am. That’s because I always got privileges with Wolf and now I can’t accept to be just one of the millions fans who are in love with him. I need to believe my love is special for going on with this life. I need to believe he’s my goal and one day I’ll make it happen. I need to believe in the illusion but with down on earth. I am good to balance these two realities. I am. I always did it. I can live a regular life, but with a little piece of hope. Unless until this phase will get to the end. I talked to much tonight, right? I am sorry but feelings + a writer is a lethal combination. The last thing, I swear: I want him to be happy. I really want it. It would be hard in the beginning and maybe even later but I will understand that if he made that choice it’s because he will feel happy. He is not stupid. He can choose for himself someone who will make his heart feels like mine feels for him. He will find someone who will complete him and he will make it the right choice, even if that person would not be me. It’s just hard seeing someone you love being happy with someone else when you know that you could make him happy too.
I could, I want to believe I could. Because they taught me to value myself.
Things will change and I will be okay. I just do not want to think about it know.
Dear moon, maybe you know that the universe has a different plan for me and maybe it will make me happy, but now he is all I want it and I deserve to be happy as I wish, for once. I don’t want a “middle happiness” I want a “full one happiness” I want him to be my destiny, please.

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Image by Élizabeth love, couple, and kiss image

To the moon; ☾
/270819/
Hey Moon, I was thinking.. should I be worried about the fact I am not dream about him? I think I did just two times but I didn’t see him very well and it was June. Are you trying to tell me something? Am I not dream about him because are we suppose to meet each other the first time in the reality and not in a dream? That’s what are you doing? If I am right, that s okay. Don’t you make me dream about him even for a second, but if is not and I will meet him anyway, let me see him in my dreams please. Let me touch by him, let me kiss by him, let me hear him whispering to me. Let me realize some fantasies with him. It’s hard living without the person you love by your side and you know something about it, right? But when it comes spring are you able to see the sun? Well, I am just asking you to tell the universe to create that spring for me, for us and in the meantime, let the stars talking to me about him, as they tell you stories about the sun when you are feeling alone. Let me dream about him. Let me feel happy, please.

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To the moon; ☾
/310819/
Dear Moon, I know I didn’t write here for so long. I skipped some days but I still prayed (if we want to call it like this). Yesterday another thing happened, it’s not about Sky it’s about Mars. Why I am talking about him? I will explain. I really feel a great affection for him, we can call it love? Yeah I think so, it’s not like Sky, it’s not the same love, but it’s something similar. So, there was this news about Mars having a vacation and going out to clubs etc.. and today they shared a video in which he is drunk. I don’t want to talk about how is this disrespectful, I already did. This a place in which I can share feelings that I can’t do it anywhere. I am fucking jealous and I can’t stop to think I am going to cry because of it. Why this doesn’t not happen to me? I dreamt about casually meeting Sky, like those girl met Mars in a club and those people, who are very disrespectful and mean got this chance to spend time with a person I love, but not me. It’s not allowed to me. I am a completely different person. I would find all my courage, I would be shy too, so shy. I would try to make me understand to him. I’ll probably gonna buy him a drink or I will ask him to dance with me. Maybe I would just talk or asking to take a photo with me because I never did any of such things because I am fucking mess. I would be kind and I would try to be more cheeky? Idk I would flirting with him even if I don’t know how to do it, but I would take the chance to spend some time with him. Yes, I would, but this is not allowed to a person who try to be a good one, because just the bad ones get everything, right? Because I am just a little girl who lives in a fucking Island, who will never been so lucky to find casually the person she likes and she is asking for decades to make it happens. Why is not me? Why a decent person like me who would never do something like that to Mars, can’t be so lucky? And that’s how we arrive to talk about Sky. I am asking to the universe something to happen but It will never happen. I won’t be so lucky. I am not that kind of person. I met Wolf just because there was an organization behind the meeting but without it I am just a person who looks at other people’s happiness. The same happiness I want for me. Omg can you image it? Shit, I am crying again. Me and Mars meeting in Paris. Having fun in the club, talking about everything just the two of us, can’t be able to take our eyes off each other. Going away from the club, take a walk through Paris’s streets and damn, going to his hotel room. I would do it, I am so ready and it would be so perfect. Maybe I need to get out from here, maybe dad’s is right: you have to go away, wherever you want. I don’t know if my life would change, I don’t know if the place I will choose will be the right one in which i am going to live such experiences. All I can think about right now is the I am a little girl, a very small one, with the biggest desires and that’s not fair that will going to end just like the all ordinary people I know. It’s not want I want for me. I am different. So, Moon, please, give me a different life, one it fits on me. The life of a girl who meet the boy she wants in a situation that happen once in a life, in a beautiful city and to end like I want. I want to be the main character of this story and yes for the universe’s sake. I want him to be Sky.

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quotes, love, and tumblr image aesthetic, books, and cities image

To the moon; ☾
/310819/ pt.2
You are making fun of me.
I am asking you about a sign, a miracle or something like that and when I was already finished to tell you about how I feel about Mars’s story, they tell me that Jupiter is here? Far away from me, so is not a sign. I think you know how it makes me feel, so thank you. Really, thank you for being a such asshole. How should I feel about the fact that you are clearly making fun of me? I can’t stop thinking about he is now walking through some streets similar to the streets of this city, he is living and I am feeling like I am drowning. Every of them is living and I am feeling like I could.

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To the moon; ☾
/010919/
If losing the bracelet is a sign, well.. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

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Image by Alanoud sad, depression, and google image

To the moon; ☾
/020919/
Every time I see him I think about to go there and hug him. I simply don’t want to be into his arms, I want him to ask me to be the person who will make him happy. I want to be that someone for him.
I am so stupid, omg I am so stupid.
I know I am. But I am not asking to the universe to do it everything for bring us to the same road, all alone. I want to build my own fate, so tell me what to do please. I will do anything. Every step I’ll take, it would be taken to step forward to him.
I am going to sleep, it’s late.
Take him into my dreams, please. I don’t know why I am just making nightmares these days, I deserve some happiness, you know? I deserve it.

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Image by 𝖘𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖔𝖓𝖊 Image removed

To the moon; ☾
/040919/
I should stop to see those imagine video with fake calls. They are made so good. So good that I started to cry while there were those imagines about my fave live and the subs. It was like he was really taking to me and you know, I’ve got shivers. I really need this. I need to being loved by him. It’s like he is perfect, he seems so perfect and all I want is that perfect person, the 1 of all the world’s population, to love me.
I need his love. I want his love and I wanna give him all the love I feel for him.
I really need him to look at me as I look at him in that video. It’s different from the previous ones, I told you. I just wanted to give love in past, but now I want someone, him, to give me love. I want to be loved and loving him back.
You know, Moon. There are moments during the day that I believe I do not deserve his love. Why me? Why? There are so many other people out there who sincerely love him, so why should I be so special? And then, moments like this in which I just can’t stop smiling thinking about him doing nothing, just eating, whispering, breathing. My heart is so full of love that I think it could explode. Really, it hurts in my chest and I become more difficult to breath. But even if what happens to me seems painful, I still can’t stop to smile and feeling so good just because I feel all this love.
Moon, please.
Do it for my poor body, heart and soul: be the one who will bring us together.

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To the moon; ☾
/070919/
Dear Moon, we look at each other’s faces last night, ah? I saw you from the window’s airplane and I thought that you would listen to me more clearly. We were so close. I told you about that fantasy: let us meet in front of a work of art in that museum I wanted to see. Do you remember it? During the visit today I forgot about it, but when I was sitting alone in a room with just a big paint in front of me, that scenery came up into my head and I realized it was not going to happen. You know what I did? I tried to make me feel better thinking about the fact that the museum wasn’t so good. So, it was not the right place. We deserve my favorite‘s one: The Museé D’Orsay In Paris. It would be so perfect. Sadly when I started to think about meeting him in front of Manet’s Olympia, I realized that if the universe wanted us to together, why didn’t I meet him last year? I was there, he wasn’t. He was on the other side of the world. Should I be worried or should I think that it’s okay: It would have been a problem if he was actually in Paris (or close) and we didn’t meet.
Things like this make me think straight.
I see things clearly, I am just stupid.
Making a reasoning about this makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I should be worried about my mental health, actually. Maybe being a dream should be considered as a mental disease.
Yeah, ‘cause I am thinking about the fact I haven’t been there. I think he didn’t saw the museum, so it would be a chance to meet us during his first visit, right? It would be so magical.
Aaah, I am really a writer, I am. I have this problem to make for us sceneries from those romantic movies and I can’t stop doing it. It’s the only way in which I am going to meet him, maybe for the rest of my life. He will be my main character, me well.. an improved me. Different names, cities, dramas, but us. Loving each other between the pages of a book.

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To the moon; ☾
/080919/
I saw you, I touched you tonight.
Let me explain.
I went to this crazy science museum and there was a copy of the moon’s ground, your silver and shiny sand. It’s where I wrote his name. Yes, I did.
I wrote your name on the moon.
So, you have no excuses now. You know of who I am taking about every single night, every minute, every second.
Also.. I just wanted to tell you another thing: I saw all this couples during these days and I could not help to think about they could be us. I have always this image in my head of me and him walking holding each other’s hands around a museum. I thought how fun could we have been with all those experiments and funny things. Sky, he is so curious and I love this part of him. We just could stayed there for hours to understand a game. I pictured us when I was laying down in the 3D cinema. I just look up I could see us us watching the moon, the stars and the all universe dancing around us. I think I started to cry when the lights got off seeing the moon and the sun showing their silhouettes in the dark, your perfect figures, with that beautiful music in the background, the one he likes. I just wanted to feel his touch. It would have been perfect, right? I am giving to you the perfect scenarios for taking him by my side. You can’t say that I am not helping you. Think about it.

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To the moon; ☾
/100919/
Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to share him with others anymore. There are too many people who truly loves him and I respect that, but it makes me feeling like I am not special. I am not, but I want it to be for him, just for him. I thought that this is too much sometimes, I did it, i can’t lie. But life would not be the same without Sky, even if I am just an anonymous person. It’s about how what he makes me feel, it’s not important if he makes feel the same many others people. It’s just me.
Me and Sky, me and you.
Oh, I want to take you in world made just for us. Yes, I want it. I want to people being not able to see us. I just want you and me to be together doesn’t matter all the people, because I am the one and you are the one for me.
What do you think Moon? Can you make a universe just for us?

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To the moon; ☾
/110919/
The rain makes me think about you.
It makes me sad because I wish to meet you in the rain just like a movie you would like. I think about walking through the rain with you in Paris’s streets. Getting lost together, me being able to make you laugh.
I think, I think, I think.
It’s all my head. It’s always just in my head.
I think this will never happen.

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To the moon; ☾
/130919/
Dear Moon, I didn’t want to talk you yesterday because I was feeling very unlucky and hopeless and I was mad at you. I still does.
Tonight I heard two people talking about how the universe brings two people together and I felt like “wow, that’s what I am talking about. I believe it.” and I just felt both relieved that there are other people who think the same and so stupid because do I really believe that our fates are connected? Really? Me? Me and him? There more than 7.69 billion of people out there who can be his soulmate and should I believe to be the one? Is it stupid right? Not a sign, nothing. Nothing happened since the day I met him. I just feel in love with him because of his passions, his personality... because of who he is and it just helped me to make me believe we could be kindred spirits but nothing gave me the prove we could actually become it.
It’s all just in my head.
I am not wrong, you should give me something. You should, because I deserve it. I deserve to know if this universe wants to give me a chance. I deserve it because my love for him his so desperate that I could make Romeo and Juliet being ashamed of themselves. I could show Catherine and Heathcliff what love is. I could write it better that what Julián Carax wrote for Penélope Aldaya.
My heart could explode anytime.
Please, please. Give me some peace.

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To the moon; ☾
/170919/
It’s been a while... I am sorry Moon.
I know, I should be more steady but sometimes I feel tired as tonight.
It’s not going like I want and I see people making their dreams come true, their dreams but the same as I have. It’s not because you are not making me appear money and a ticket to fly to him and making him fall in love with me by magic. I am not so stupid, but your making me hard doing the little things that could bring me to a little bit of happiness one day.
Mmh.
This is a story for another day.
I am writing to you tonight trying to forget all the negative thoughts around this crazy situation you are making me living during my 24’s. I would love to talk with you about a feeling I had last night.
We met each other, remember?
You were so big last night, it might be seen as you were so close to let me touch you. I wanted to grab you with my hands a shaking you so hard to forget who you are repeating the same thing over and over: his name and why you are not making me happy. Damn, I wished I could.
You were so close, so close with your face laughing at me and telling me I am dreamer as a few are.
I couldn’t tell you if you were proud of me or you were making fun of this stupid little girl. I just realized something: for the first time I thought that maybe I am not the one who is trying to get you closer, you are the one who is following me. I saw you through the window of the car trying to chasing me, running to get me but you’re always so far. It’s like we both want to meet each other but there’s something in the universe who is holding us back. Is it what it’s happening? Do Sky feel this sensation under his skin too?
Maybe he feels like he is trying to chasing something but he doesn’t know what it is yet. Maybe sometimes he faces two ways, two decisions and one of them it’s a step forward to me, but here’s that something that makes him to choose the other one. It’s not our time maybe, the fate is waiting for doing his move. Do you remember that movie, Serendipity? They met each other after so many years because they were meant to be together. It took a while and many other paths they might be seem to take them a part, but in the end they found their way back.
They did, why we could not?

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love, quotes, and couple image the oc, quotes, and OC image

To the moon; ☾
/170919/ pt.2
I want to skip to the part in which I barely remember how I am feeling today and I meet him casually and I feel that place far away from this. I feel like that girl is far away for me. I picture us while we are forgetting to be who we were, instead we are choosing to chase the moment. I want our eyes meeting each other, I want us to laugh embarrassed for starting to look at each other so long but without stopping to do it.
I wanna start chatting about everything we likes. I want to fall asleep into his arms.
I don’t care where it’s going to be. I don’t want the rain or the sun to staring at us. I don’t care about anything else. I just want me and him together. I think I have never felt so in love. Writing this makes me cry and keep my heart alive. He is both what is hurting me right now and what it’s saving me from fall. He gives me courage and sometimes he just makes me want to be protected by his warm body and his deep voice.

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To the moon; ☾
/170919 pt.3
You know, I though it will always be like this. I thought that when I will be old, I will think that I lived all my life in my head. I traveled, I feel in love, I lived adventures, I cried, I smiled. Every emotions I lived, I did it in my head. Anything else is just a “reality hobby” or whatever.
I lived so many great sceneries, like the one l’ve created for us, but I’ve never lived them.
I stared to think that maybe it’s because we are not part of the same universe. That’s why It can’t do nothing for us.
He lives into another one, well he really does. He has a completely different life from mine. He is living, I am barely doing it.
We aren’t “W”’s characters.
I would not bring to my universe the you I’ve create and won’t be for you the key of your life.

❀ ❀ ❀

aesthetic, girl, and girls image Temporarily removed

To the moon; ☾
/190919/
That’s weird what human’s mind can do.
You know why, Moon? Yeah you know already. I was sitting alone into my room watching a video, hearing his voice and I just close my eyes to feel like his arms were around me. I imagined something like I always do, but in that moment I swear I could feel his touch. It made me shiver. I really could feel the sleeves of his white shirt around my shoulders, his fingers on my neck, all his body on my skin. I saw a video a few minutes ago and I was watching his hands particularly and I was wondering how would have felt interlace my fingers with his. I could imagine it perfectly in the space between them. His skin under my skin.
That’s what I need. I need to feel him, I need to touch him.

❀ ❀ ❀

Flagged For Review asian, asian baby, and baby image

To the moon; ☾
/230919/
Hey Moon,
It’s night. I am tangled up in sheets on my bed. Alone, in the dark.
It’s weird that I am taking about this issue with you using this diary because it’s really important and I should not include it into some stupid thoughts of a fangirl.
The fact is that I don’t know if I can have kids. If I can get pregnant. I am just a girl and I am nothing thinking about that, I don’t know if I even want children, but it’s scary thinking about I cannot. Just like Robin Scherbatsky said on a episode of HHMYM, I will never forget it. She said that she didn’t want kids, but after discovering she can’t have it’s like they took her off the choice.
That’s how I feel like. I do not have the choice and it’s also so scary do not know how my future will be. I know just people with families or people who are building one. I don’t know how to live without a family and even if I could spend all my life traveling, getting a career (and that’s what a want) doing things you can’t do full time with a family, it seems not fair.
And let’s talk about him. My heart is breaking thinking about that. Since I know him, I always read that he wants a family. He wants to be dad, he wants two kids, a boy and a girl, I read it. He is too young, as I am for doing it now, but one day he will be ready and I know he will be a great dad. You know, years ago, when a doctor told me it, I took it too easy. I started to think I can adopt a child because it’s a thing I’ve always liked to do. But it’s hard and not just because adopting is, because if I imagine a life with him, if I ask to you to make it happen, I would not be enough for him. I would not be the right one. He deserves to create a family in the biological way and I know how much is important for people and I think I can’t do it for me, neither for him.
If that’s the reason the fate will not bring us to the same road, it’s okay, I respect that. It’s not fair because it’s not my fault and as always all the diseases I get are taking away from me a piece of my life, but that’s what it is.
You know how many times I thought about him comforting me about that? Too many. How many times I saw us getting through this shit together? Too many.
And how many times I imagined us getting this miracle from the universe? Yeah, you know the answer.
This a dream, life is life and it’s hard.
You can’t get what you want especially if you are a broken machine.
But I want him to be happy and if the only way for making it to happen is asking to the stars, the moon, the sun and the all universe to make us staying apart from each other, let it be.
Do it for his happiness.

❀ ❀ ❀

art, puzzle, and van image Image by Ariel0358

To the moon; ☾
/250919/
Dear Moon, I realized something tonight: I don’t fit in this world like I did before. I am trying to be the usual myself but I am not the same anymore. Something changed. I really want big spaces, new views. I am just trying to survive here, I am not really enjoying living this life. Everything it’s about to escape, to change things, to reach my goal. If I didn’t believe that I will bring myself to a big city, in a new environment, with new people to meet, I think I wouldn’t be able to live this life.
If I didn’t believe that one day, I’ll do something to bring me near to his road, well.. what would be the point of this life?
I am not joking and I don’t wanna hear “You can’t live your life depending on a person.” I know it, I believe it too. I should live my life because of me, not someone else. But free me from this repetitive life will bring me more joy than anything else. It will help myself to be more confident and being confident means that I could take that energy to realize my dreams and it happens, I will be more close to him. I will really believe that I helped the fate to bring us to the same road, but I will always bring myself to the right road for happiness. Everything I want to do in my life it’s connected to him, just because we love the same thing. I love languages, I can learn his. I love traveling, I can go with him anywhere, I love art, I can show him the beautiful creatures of the humans races, I love writing, I can dedicate to him every single emotion, I will put on words.
It’s not me to dedicate my life to Sky, I am not that kind of person who cancel herself for a man. We are two kindred spirits who can perfectly match each other. It’s not me saying it, it’s the fucking truth, the reality. My dreams were the same before to meet him and they still are. I just realized when I can plant them to make them blowing. It’s not my fault if every of my dreams is a flower he had already taken.

❀ ❀ ❀

vans, aesthetic, and black image couple, ulzzang, and korean image

To the moon; ☾
/250919/ pt.2
Aaah, all those words just to explain how much I am feeling suffocated here.
Just to ask you to give me a new life.
Sorry, words was floating out of my mouth without control.
What I really wanted to say to you tonight, well, not saying but asking it’s something I need.
I know, it’s pretentious but that’s what miss in my life now. I don’t want just him, I want the full package. Give me all of them or better give me Sky so I can have all his friends too. I want Jupiter, Jupiter, Venus, Neptune, Mercury, Mars and Earth. I want them all too. I observed them for months, they are so loud, so funny, they really love each other. It’s a family and I wanna be a part of it. I want someone like them to believe in who I am, to make me feel confident, to comforting me, to help me, to make me laugh, to hang out, to cry with, to support each other. I want them all. I know, they are doing everything I said even now, if they aren’t here physically, but I want them here or, better, I want me to be there. I want to be the special one. I build a life in my head, the life I want. Just give me even some pieces of it, please.

❀ ❀ ❀

polaroid, aesthetic, and photography image blue, cathedral, and holiday image

To the moon; ☾
/260919/
Dear Moon, you left me.
I was trying to make some pictures tonight and I wanted you to be my subject, but I discovered that it’s that time of the month in which you are too busy standing between the sun and the earth to show yourself to humans. I hope you’re having fun, I hope you’re enjoying your private time with your sun. You know, I wish I could to the same with my Sky.
Anyway, because your absence (and my terrible old camera) I could’t make the pictures I wanted. I just wanted to feel too close to him, to create something I really like to do and I know he loves. I wanted to feel him like he really could be here with me and trying to share the same feelings I felt in this place. But everything went wrong. It was a disaster and I didn’t take even a picture, so I felt really sad and unmotivated.
I am home now. I thought about it and I don’t wanna give up, I will find something who worth to share with you or unless I will enough good to take a decent picture.
I am not bad to do it, I am pretty good actually to be just an amateur one with his phone and an old Nikon, but I don’t know I felt really uninspired tonight. I couldn’t stop to think that if you could be with me, I would appreciate this place differently. It’s that I am just tired of the same landscape, but at the same time I know that watching it with your eyes, would give me a completely different vision. Who knows what you would think of it? I would probably.. well no, I would be more fascinated by your reaction in front of art, than the art itself.

❀ ❀ ❀

book, bookworm, and girl image art, sadness, and anime image

To the moon; ☾
... actually, to the readers.
/280919/
There won’t be a first quarter until 5th October, so won’t see you clearly for a while. I just want you to enjoy your time. Don’t pass my messages to the universe, he clearly hates me.
So, I want to talk with someone else now, maybe there are out there people who can actually tell me what’s wrong with me. I kinda think they are really patient for reading all my mental breakdown. Thank you, I am sorry. I am a mess.
I am just a stupid girl who complains about an impossible love. Aah, what a news! They told about it many years ago and I am clearly not Catherine Earnshaw but I will probably end like her.
Separated from him.
Mh, should I stop to write to the Moon? What do you think? I realized today that I am not special. I can pretend to be just because I want it. The universe doesn’t give me a special treatment, actually he throws me more shit that I can manage. I am not special because I lived my life differently from the others of my same age and because of it I met Wolf. I should stop to feel like everything is owed to me just because I lived the hell. Karma doesn’t exist or I would not get the disease, so what’s the point of waiting for all my dreams coming true, receiving the best from this life, something incredible, something that does not happen to other people just because I was sick? Life is not a weighing machine, it can be all on the bad side and nothing to good one. I won’t get something good that “to other people don’t happen” just to balance my life. You will think: and meeting Wolf? should make you feel special. Yeah, it did. But I want more. I am not looking for a moment of happiness anymore, I am searching, nope, I want to take a large sip of happiness and getting what I really want. Everything, I want everything, not a half part of it. Everything. Do you think I am asking to much? Or seem like am selfish? Who cares actually. Just this time a deserve the full happiness.

❀ ❀ ❀

cafe and chair image rose, flowers, and wallpaper image

Dear everyone; ☾
/290919/
I was watching a show, some hours ago and they asked to Sky to write a poem. He is a really good writer. Yes, I know: what a big surprise lol of course I knew it already, but it made me think about it. By now, you’re clearly understand that writing is one of the thing I love the most. I could be not so good doing it, but it’s something I need to do, good or bad, who cares. Knowing that writing is also one of his passions, makes me feel more close to him. It makes me think about him as an artist of the ‘20, who lives in Paris and writes about his anguished feelings watching the lights of the city. I am sure he would love this description. That’s what I am taking about: I have this gift to imagine all the kinds of situations, describing souls, maybe seeing people through a different light and it’s a thing that definitely would connect us. Don’t you think the same? When you find a person who shares with you the same passion, don’t you feel that tremor inside your body? Don’t you feel it right in your heart? I do. You know how many times I thought to meet a person for sharing with passion with? Of course you know: I am still thinking about it. I can see it. I can see it perfectly, that imagine in which there’s me, him a wooden table near a window of a café, a warm tea, the rain outside and just two pens scribbling on a white paper. Creating, together.

❀ ❀ ❀

love, art, and couple image smile, art, and drawing image

Dear everyone; ☾
/300919/
I am wondering if it happens to you too of living different situations in life and imagining someone beside you. Stupid things, not great adventures. Just basic situations. It happens me all the time! Going out with friends and imagine him walking side by side. Laughing together because somebody’s jokes. Having fun. I pick a moment and I bring him in. It’s super easy and also super dangerous. I am wondering if will come a day in which i won’t be able to distinguish fantasy from reality. It’s just not fair, you know. I don’t have a sentimental life, I had never been in a serious relationship but also I feel like I did. I spent years loving Wolf with all my life and all my family was involved in. He was there during so many moments in my life and now being in love with Sky, well it feels like I’ve changed my boyfriend and I found another one lol I see people doing it all the time, like “normal” girls of my age do, with the difference that they have never been my boyfriends. Just like my cousin who has a boyfriend she loves and stay by her side. We were at this family’s party together tonight and I couldn’t stop to picture Sky next to me, eating so much like he always does, making jokes with my other cousins and telling about his incredible life. He is there, I can see it, I can imagine the entire conversation, I can feel him beside me, looking at me, loving me. Aah, sometimes I wonder if this fangirl’s life I am living is healthy for me. You can see it clearly, I am not okay. A person who lives in fantasy isn’t a happy person, but this is what I have. It’s a thing I do since I can remember it, I need fantasies to stay alive. There are my happy moments. That’s why I reply to myself that I will be alone anyway, even if I wasn’t a fangirl, unless I am living feelings that many of those “normal” girls don’t. I am glad to be who I am, I will never changed it, even if it causes me so much pain.

❀ ❀ ❀

fun, Roller Coaster, and vintage image lonely, pathetic, and grunge image

Dear everyone; ☾
/300919/ pt.2
Even if it hurts, I can’t stop loving him.
It’s too late to come back on my feelings and acting like I don’t have. I am deeply in love, no, brutally in love with him. It’s a need not a choice, I can’t escape from this. There are moments in which I wish to be not so involved but at the same time would feel ashamed of myself just for thinking about the possibility to not being in love with him. There are no worlds, no universes in which could exist a me not in love with Sky. So, why I am feeling so miserable and so happy a the same time? I am on the roller coasters, I feel sick, but I am having fun too and I don’t want to get off. I am convinced to stay where I am, I am just not sure to be always surrounded by all those people who is feeling the same. It’s a feeling I can’t take off my body. I want to be the lucky seat in which we are in two.

❀ ❀ ❀

couple, love, and hug image aesthetic, black and white, and girl image

Dear everyone; ☾
/011019/
I wanna tell you a story. I don’t need to tell it to the Moon because she knows it already. She was there, but you don’t and you deserve to know it for keeping reading this. I met Wolf a long time ago. It’s been years and I am still grateful and incredibly happy because of that day. I stil can’t believe that I had a dream and it came true. I probably mentioned yet that I met him in a unexpected way, but at the same time it was not planned by the universe. Well, let me explain. Yes, I think it wanted us to meet as a gift for all I had been through, but there’s all the universe wanted for us. Just to meet and make me special. I did, I was special and I kinda think I am too. He remembers about me, we shared moments together. I am lucky. I am the lucky one instead of the other people, yeah, but we were not meant to be. It would have been impossible, really and the universe knew it, I knew it, so I am glad it made it happened and I thank all the people who made it true, but he was not my destiny, the all thing happened was, but not him and I know it now.
I was a basically a baby when I met him and I was frail and broken. I am not broken with Sky. He made my pieces together. I was completely in the dark before to meet him and all the others, I am not afraid to said that I was going to fall into depression. I talked with doctors, with friends and family and that’s what was going to happen to me, then I decided to resolve this on my own and I met them, I met Sky and my world changed. They really helped me to save myself and that’s what I did because of them. Maybe I am just postponing the moment in which my darkest side will show up, but now, now I am new person. I am making decisions because of them, I am trying to fix my issues because of them. That’s why I am saying that Sky or them, shouldn’t have meant to meet that girl, but they are to meet the woman I am and I will become. At least, that’s what love talks about. Loving themself before loving someone else. Loving yourself, instead waiting someone to do it over you.
I wanna meet him in a different way from Wolf, I am not a child anymore and I want things to go in a different way. I wanna get what I really want this time and I am here, I can wait but at the same time I can’t. If the universe is listening to me (and you should because I screamed to you in front of so much people and I am not ashamed of it) that’s the right way, that’s my destiny. I am ready.

❀ ❀ ❀

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Dear everyone; ☾
/021019/
I was looking at one of those gif, you know and I couldn’t stop looking at. It’s just a stupid gif, there’s him moving his head, changing his expression, closing his mouth, shrugging his shoulder. It’s a stupid movement of his body but I can’t stop to looking at those details and making them mine. You know how it makes me feel? Say it to me please, I have no idea. It’s something there is not happy, neither sad. I just feel so emotional. I have all these feelings for him then I do not think I had never felt them for anyone else, neither with Wolf and that’s weird because I thought I would never loved anyone else like I did. I was wrong. Loving Sky is more, much more. It explodes in my chest, I need to bring it out. I wanna scream it, I wanna people to know that I’m love. It never happened before, I was not crying so much everyday because of someone and yeah, I am crying again writing this. How can I stop?
Omg, I cry too much.
It’s beacause I am happy, sad, in love. Yeah, I’m in love. I must let it go. I can’t take all that love inside. If you know a method to not explode, please tell me. I am going to do it one day and there will be pieces of Luna everywhere. I will going to express this feeling one day. I will. A person is not made for carrying all these stuff inside. I can’t handle it. I need to tell him, I want him to know, but probably this will never happen. He will never know it, he will never know it in the way I want him to know it. It’s possible that we will never walk on the same road, how can I suppose believe in us to love each other? So, if it will never happen, I’ll probably going to die because of these feelings burning me inside. There’s nothing I can do, just BOOM.

❀ ❀ ❀

rachel mcadams image art, aesthetic, and flowers image

Dear everyone; ☾
/031019/
It’s 2:35AM and I am having a mental breakdown. I was lying in my bed watching a video, everything was going fine, then Sky said he loves one of my favorite movie ever. I knew it already, but listening to him saying it broke my soul.
I literally throw my phone away and I sank my head on the pillow screaming against the universe as I do during these episodes. I can’t just understand why you created my perfect soulmate so far away from me, so impossibile to reach. What the fuck is your problem? What the fuck is the life’s problem in general? Why one earth, the universe decides to create two such similar souls without bring them together? I have no fucking idea why life is so cruel. I told it. I started to talk pretty loud to my fucking ceiling pretending there was the universe somewhere above me, saying, not.. praying it to have right. I am fucking right. We are so similar about such things. I know why he loves that movie and there are the same reasons why I love it. And I had been not influenced by him, because I fall in love with that movie before to meet him. All that things, the love for Paris, the artists, the magic around that city, that period, all the lines, the all atmosphere were already in my soul. I was me, before I met him and is still me the person who is love with Sky. I didn’t change because of him, maybe I am improved. Because that’s what a person you love should make you do it: giving you the desire to be better person for yourself, but being still you. I am still me, I said. The all fucking package is loving him right now and I can’t believe it’s just a coincidence that our souls are made of the same material. I refuse to think about coincidences. So, I said to the universe, I don’t care about what you decide to make me go through, I will accept it, I said. I won’t complain about, because I am making a deal with you, right now: I allow you to make whatever you want about my life but every time you’ll decide to make me suffer, it will be a step toward him. It’s also a way to handle them. I really don’t care but tell me that I am not wrong because I am sure, I am fucking sure. Don’t you see it that way too? I don’t think the universe would create two things so compatible for
for wasting them and taking them apart. Unless, we would not have eclipses or bread and Nutella.

❀ ❀ ❀

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To the moon; ☾
/041019/
you’re back. I am so glad you are back. I raised my eyes to sky for looking at you, every night and I felt so lost without you. I was nervous and I couldn’t stop to think that I needed you, because you are the only one who shares with me this secret. Well, It’s not actually a real secret because you can all read this, but i cannot go to tell people in my life “hey, it’s me. I really think that if I’ll talk with the moon and the universe everyday, they will create the destiny I want for me.” Yeah, I am not afraid of tell people that I believe in faith, in the moon and in the power of the universe, but sometimes it’s better to not talk to them so seriously as I do here. They would think I am too childish or stupid. Aah, don’t you worry I won’t stop to believe in that, I will believe in you more.
It’s the only thing I can do. Without, II wouldn’t have a porpoise, neither a reason to go on.

❀ ❀ ❀

autumn, fall, and street image autumn, freedom, and leaves image

To the moon; ☾
/051019/
Hey Moon, idk know if you know it already, but this morning I was acting super weird. I went for a walk to take some picture to this beautiful autumn. I found some streets in my city with those high trees to take some aesthetic pictures to their amazing colors. So, I tried to create the scenery I wanted and I started to kick some leaves in the ground, picking them to make them flying and you know, those stuff you do, for making a good picture. It was fun because when I finished to do all this mess, I discovered a car behind me, ready to leave and someone inside who enjoyed all the fun scene I had haha. In the end I made some good pictures. But what I wanted to tell you or to destiny, today, it’s that i don’t fuck believe in coincidences, so why are doing it? I watched a video tonight about Sky, going outside the building to take some pictures (guess what?) to the autumn, (guess what?) doing the exactly same thing I was doing to make a good picture to the leaves on the ground. So, I know that doesn’t mean anything, but why are doing this to me? I stared to cry, I swear. I imagined us, together, making photographs to the nature, to her colors and doing the same thing we already do both but separated. It’s really hard seeing these kind of sceneries and imagining us talking about the same things, having the same ideas, share the same passions. It’s really hard because I can’t stop thinking about why the universe should create such similar souls? Which reason it had for doing it? If there’s a plan up there, somewhere, will better to be the right one because you can’t continue to push me to believe we complete each other, without let us doing it for real.

❀ ❀ ❀

sad, cry, and tear image Temporarily removed

To the moon; ☾
/061019/
so, I was wondering... that’s what my unhealthy mind creates, damn. I am not okay. I feel so stupid saying such things, but I said I would write all my feelings here and that’s something connected to him and I am going to write it down, even if it will picture me as an idiot.
Am I going to have experiences? Let me explain. As I said before, I didn’t have serious experience in relationships, well I can say zero because what happened in the past really doesn’t worth it. I am growing, I am a young adult woman and i am ready for such experiences, actually I really need to be involved in one of them. I am so ready but I can’t stop to think about that I wanna share every experience with him. We are, same interests, same passions, same age. I think we are both ready and that’s what we want. I can say if having a relationship it’s what he actually wants/needs but I can imagine we share the same feeling because of our age. omg, I can actually cry because of it. We could be the perfect match but we are so far to make it happen. Why life is such cruel? Why? Damn. You know what? I would not be in love with him. It hurts so much omg, so much. I can feel all my body breaking down, all my organs crashing and my blood draining. It’s a physical state not just mental. It hurts like hell. I don’t remember to feel so involved with someone like this. I don’t. Damn, universe. Why did you create two similar souls to take the them a apart? What am I suppose to do? Should I be a nun and waiting for him even if it’s probably all my fantasy or should accept it will never happen and just do not think about him, but looking for someone else? maybe I will going to have the same experiences I want to do with him, but with another one, not him. Not him. NOT HIM. BUT I WANT HIM. it’s not fair, it’s not fair. Why you let me fall in love with him so much, so cruelly, so brutally in love? Just to make me suffer. It’s not fair, it’s not.

❀ ❀ ❀

(In update).
Stay tuned and
Thanks for reading
this diary 🌼

———

- themermaidwriter