this is for C.N.W (the guy who made my heart feel alive)

when I said I accepted the truth,
why didn't you notice that I was lying?
the crimson colour of my heart fades destroying my youth,
do you realize that I am slowly dying?

it is crazy to think that my heart still beats for you,
yet it feels like an eternity with each beat,
maybe it is a cue,
to leave with defeat.

all those several months thinking about you,
I didn't lie when you made me feel alive,
nor did I lie when I said "I love you",
in the end, why am I trying to survive?

don't you know I feel empty?
don't you know I feel lost?
my mind is too cloudy,
are we star-crossed?

talking to you my heart races,
smiling through the phone, never wanting it to end,
but now there is nothing left but bruises,
don't you know I want this to mend?

why did you leave?
was I not enough?
I hate to grieve,
why is it so tough?

I am truly sorry for everything,
but know this heart of mine beats for you,
even though I am in pain, aching,
so please give me a clue.

if you were to read this, know that I am hurting,
but please don't care,
it may hurt but I'm still breathing,
just know if I could be with you, I would be there.

I'm pouring all my emotions into this poem so please understand,
I can't explain this feeling,
but for some reason, I want to be able to feel your hand,
on the verge of tears, denying.

I lied about moving on,
you think it's that easy?
going to sleep with messy thoughts, then waking up like nothing happened at dawn,
I didn't move on, barely.

I know things have changed between us,
and it will never go back to what it was,
but finally talking to you made me anxious,
I know we both made mistakes but I already accepted your flaws.

I know you will never think of the same way you did before,
and don't worry, that won't kill me,
but for me, in my heart, in my soul, you will always be my amour,
how I wish you would stay, don't abandon "we".

but I guess it is too late,
you changed,
guess it's not fate,
is this strange?

I need to let you know the truth,
you must think I'm stupid.

when I had sleep paralysis,
it was very terrifying...
but you know what I kept repeating in my mind?
"its okay Belle, Charles is here, he is here, you have him"
and guess what? it went away.
you were & and still is the solution to my problems.

I know what you are thinking right now,
"no, you don't deserve me, please don't love me anymore"
I know....... I know okay?
I acted like it was fine.
What can I do now?
nothing but to accept the harsh reality.

you were the first guy I ever had a real, committed relationship with.
I can't explain the feelings I had spending time with you.
from staying up late with you, talking to you, you ranting to me about your problems.
I enjoyed every second of it.
I really did.

Even though we never got to call or anything, I still enjoyed time with you.
Yes, every second that I'm writing this, I know... that it is a step closer to letting you go.
I don't want to...
I never wanted to in the first place.

I never dared to delete anything that reminded me of you.
Every time I look at those memories, "Charles Nansen Walker" lingers around in my mind.
You must think I'm a really naive, innocent and clingy girl who can't stop writing useless poems about her ex.

well, you are right.

I'm trying so hard not to cry right this second.

but I guess it's the only way to let go of my past emotions.

If you are still reading this,
I wonder what you're up to...
yes, that was the question that I'd ask myself every day about you.

I'd also ask myself "does he still even think about me?"
then right after I'd tell myself "of course not, he moved on already Belle...it's just you"
there were times where I wanted to ask you to stay with me, whether it was for a few seconds or a few hours or the whole night.

I know you are happy and comfortable in your life right now and who am I to interrupt and interfere with your own life?
because you're not mine anymore.
but just know there is a special place in my heart that holds a place for you, always you.

You were always so mature in our relationship, that was one of the things that I adored about you. I don't care what you say, I know you think bad of yourself but in my eyes, you were always the man.

There is so, so much more that I could tell you but hey this isn't a confession poem/ letter.

and I don't expect you to write me a whole letter back okay?

Charles, you already left twice in my life, I don't expect you to stay after the third time.

sincerely - Belle.