i don't know what to feel now. it's like i don't know HOW to feel anymore. It's been a year and a half and i'm still here. It's this mixed feelings of staying alive or to be dead. i love life but at the same time i just hate it, maybe because i hate myself. i really hate myself in the way i look, the way i act, the way i act, the way i just exist. I always tell others to love themselves to embrace every single flaws they have but i, myself can't even do that. i admire those people who succeeded to get out from the dark pit they once lived. It took a big courage to do that and that's what i like about them. phew, they are strong! It's gonna be a lie if i say that i don't want to be like them, of course I do. But the problem is, i found comfort in this feelings. It's okay if you guys don't understand or just don't get me haha I just wanna let it out here. This feelings that i've been dealing years back, its part of myself already and i don't quite see i could live without it. Actually, i should have been seeing the psychiatrist by now but.. i don't know. I don't know if im doing the right thing. It's like i want to be healthy, happy and normal but i am comfortable too with me living like this.