God, the teachers and the others must have thought that we were inseperable, the quiet ones but the ones that always had a partner no matter what. I guess they didn’t care when we weren’t causing trouble like the rest.

Then it changed and I so dearly tried to cling onto what we once had. I changed lets face it but so did you and it wasn’t me you wanted anymore. You wanted easy and you took it personally when it wasn’t. You didn’t hide it that well and all along I felt like I was being strung like a yo-yo.

I would’ve done pretty much anything for you but I don’t think that you would’ve. In fact I don’t think you did.

Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you try to make it work? Why did you instead go chasing after someone else, trying to be someone else?

I don’t know what I could have done differently. It takes two people to make any kind of relationship, even friendship, work.

When I first met you that day sat in the gym and we introduced ourselves, I don’t think I realized how much you’d come to mean to me and how much you’d make me hurt, make me wish things were different or that I was different, that maybe then you’d care.

We had laughs, loads and loads of laughs, we cried, when another student said things that hurt you, we planned out our futures and told each other secrets. You said I was the smart one, the one the boys would like, but I don’t think that you realized that that was you too.

You are smart, pretty, funny and anybody would be lucky to have a friend or girlfriend like you. Maybe that’s where the cracks started or just where I started to notice them. I wish that you’d never felt the need to start comparing us because you had realized your own worth.

It’s my own self worth that is putting this out here because I adore you but I know you’ve already left and I need to move on. I’m always going to be there if you need someone to talk to or to cheer you up, I’ll say hi in the corridors, be thrilled at your achievements but I’m not going to be chasing after you and you’re not my priority anymore; I am, and I need a different person to be my rock. I need someone who I can count on and who will stand by me to face the blows. I need someone who understands that it’ll be tough, that I’ll do my best to be a friend, who’ll celebrate my wins with me and will never make me feel less.

You always wanted to be more, wanted to be like them and I’m not sure now if I was ever enough for you or if I was just someone to make sure that you weren’t alone and when I couldn’t do that you had no reason to want me. Maybe you did want to be friends with me but you wanted to be friends with the happy healthy me who always put you first and was always in school with you keeping you company at lunch and break. I’m sorry I wasn’t always able to do that.

I think that you’ve long since replaced me but at times I’m not so sure but I think you have to, you need someone like you, someone who can be who you want them to be. It’s not healthy to be constantly comparing yourself and trying to be better than those around you. I think that’s a big part of what happened to us. I was happy for you because you deserved it but I think that you took it hard when I did well too. Maybe that’s why we continued to work at first when I started missing school, because our friends would become closer to you, you’d get the better grades but that didn’t happen. Well the friends might have but I was never really phased by that because you were my best friend not them. Somehow my grades stayed high and once upon a time I may have given you credit for that for being there for me when I needed it most but now I think I was just lucky and worked very hard. Things got worse for me and the chasm between us in pretty much everything grew. The sad thing is that I think I was the one succeeding and you were falling behind. I guess I was used to relying on myself, you not so much.

If you think something is hard for you take the time to think how hard it is for the others and try to see it from a different view. It won’t make it any less hard but you should realize that you’re not the only one struggling and the others are trying as hard as they can too. You can’t solely blame them and say they didn’t try hard enough.

This past year was hell but things are getting better, I know what I want now and want my life to be better, one of our friends stood by me through everything and all these years. She’s now the first person I’d turn to. She’s the only one who thought to keep me included and I hope that she knows how much that means to me. She makes me feel great about myself and it’s not like I’m second guessing myself constantly or feeling bad for being me. That’s what I needed my best friend to do. I hope that it doesn’t hurt that I’m finally completely removing myself from being around you but hopefully, however sad it makes me, it makes you happier.

I need better and I deserve better. I’ve let a lot of my life pass by and I don’t want to lose anymore so I’m going to live and I’m going to make myself happy and I’m going to do that without you.