The chronicle of an old spinster

Hello my dear scroller! What a long awaited reunion and what an absolute thrill to see you all here (especially you in a pink shirt – you are absolutely SMASHING it!)

For so many (many) months we've been apart. In my defense, I had nothing interesting to tell. I do think of myself as a quite boring person. I'm short and plain, I love coffee and my favourite hobby is reading books about lives that are (far) more exciting than mine.

But today I had a revelation. Maybe the world needs more stories about plain people. About those who stay home on Friday night and are absolutely thrilled about said fact. Maybe people would like to read about dull people like me. So here I am. A 22 year old student without a boyfriend and in need of a haircut.

Here is ME, the millenialian »old spisnter«.
((roll the cue music))

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I think I'm at that confusing age when people around me are either still smoking pott behind the dumpsters or are getting married. A very odd combination of people from one generation I should think. What should I do? Should I have a job? A career? A boyfriend? Husband? Living with a vegan girlfriend and having 5 dogs from the shelter?

All of those things sound quite good and all are alright. But I think it is important to say that all of those things are only optional. You could still be living with your parents, stressing over exams, still not being able to elegantly apply nail polish (a skill I am determined to master this year!) and having massive fun on an inflatable castle.

My whole life has been fine up till now. I did my studies, hobbies, was a good (read: debatable) daughter… but when your parents start to nag you about your love life (they've literally offered me condoms on various occasions – we are not talking about those occasions), you do start to wonder.

I'm 22 and I've never had a real boyfriend. Mind you, I've never had an imaginary one either (if we don't count countless daydreaming dates with Tom Hiddleston which are only natural to a human being, let's all be honest with ourselves). So why is that? Is something wrong with me or is this something I shouldn't even worry about?

In my mind, it is absolutely ridiculous to worry about such a thing. However, even though my brain knows this (he truly is a smartarse sometimes), my heart blissfully ignores it. Society is so quick to judge. Social media is as wonderful as it is dangerous and for someone with low self esteem, used to getting high on daydremang and with countless bad people experience (I'm talking about me. Hi.) love is a very vulnerable thing to talk about.

I am very afraid of it. Not just the talking, but the real deal. Will I ever be enough? Could someone love me? And I do mean really love me? Will I love them? If yes, when will we meet? Have we met already and I'm just blind? Or did the opportunity just slip by without me noticing?

Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing of all.
- Luanne Rice

I think that's true. The fear of the unknown (who, where, when, if ever) could sometimes be unbearable. But maybe waiting shouldn't be such a horrible thing. Maybe we should all ask ourselves: »Why am I feeling this way? Why do I think I won't be enough? Why am I so freaking afraid? «
And maybe, just maybe, we will start our very first and most important relationship of our life: the one with ourselves.

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It is completely possible I think this way to make myself feel better. But is that such a bad thing? Why shouldn't I? Loving myself is the hardest and loveliest thing I could ever learn to do. I'm still working on it. No worries if you're not there yet. We're in this together like different pieces of melted cheese! (Oh, no. I made myself hungry again. I ate 20min ago… I just grabbed a chocolate ice cream. No regrets. You should do the same. Do it now! Go!)

So, my dearest scroller. We embark on this wonderfully confusing life path of love that consists of waiting, fearing, dancing and singing (Hopefully. I really do love musicals).
Let's not be afraid of being alone. Let's nourish the possibility of getting to know ourselves. Maybe we're not that boring after all.
Is it sad that I don't have a boyfriend? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm 22 and no matter what other people think (those nosy monsters who had first boyfriends at the age of 15 and got married at 25) I'm still young and I have plenty of time. Hell! Look at all those movies and books and series! Main heroines in their late 20s are just starting with their lives. Some of them are in their 30s, 40s, 50s! Age is just a number! And what you do with your life and how you perceive it is completely up to you. No matter if you're the 90s, 00s or 60s kid.

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You are you (no one else plays this role – it is yours completely) and you deserve to be with yourself. If waiting for someone is something you are prepared to do, then that's a good plan. Don't rush it. And in the meantime, try to stop waiting for yourself.

Love, Nani.