I'm still unpacking a lot of things that were thought to me during childhood. And one of them is male friendships...

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Now that I think about it, my relationships with men were always very extreme and never moderate. I went from thinking boys were disgusting at a young age, to having a weird relationship with my younger brother because I thought having a little sister would mean a closer relationship to her, to desperately wanting validation from men.
And many ways my Dad and my brother proved to me how relationships with boys are infact possible and something that i always kind of craved.

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As I'm unpacking a lot of misconceptions and misinformation from my childhood I'm realizing that I'm rushing into romantic relationships and partly forcing them.
Usually, the men that I‘ve encountered had no problem with having a sexual or romantic relationship after scraping the mere surface of my existence but I‘ve met someone that I truly love and connect with as a person.

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I think I am discovering the true definition of love through him and a few weeks ago calling him a mere friend would‘ve been an insult to me, to us and to my feelings.
The picture of him being with another girl while he didn't feel ready to be a part of a romantic relationship with me was deeply hurtful for me even though I had to admit that it wasn't the best time to start a serious relationship with him at this very point in our lives.
I knew that, but at that time I still wanted him to try and to fully commit and he was willing to promise to me that he would try but we kept hurting each other and I felt like I was doing the most damage by forcing a romantic relationship upon us.
For the first time in my life I‘ve hung out with a guy without being constantly physical with him and we had conversations about the world and about American dad and about our future.
so deep and truthful and fragile that I still wanted to press it into a romantic relationship.
but I get it now.

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I will value him as a friend because this is too precious to rush into anything.
I will value him as a human being.
this picture of men that I have had in my head for so long is slowly cracking.
I am seeing men for the humans that they are as I am hoping for them to see me as the human I am.

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I am trying to form more male friendships.
Still reading?