I never thought I ever needed to say those words so deeply and with such a desperate feeling . It wasn't like I didn't have help at all...
My parents , my doctors and some of my friends were there for me but this was just different.

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I was falling. Slowly loosing myself and everything in between.
I have clinical depression & borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed a year ago and here I am living my life.

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One of the things about Mental Illness is that it has it's ups and downs & it's worst low points. By the time I said the words I was in the 3rd one.
There were some things that gave me a hint. I slowly realized how bad things were going.

  • There isn't a specific other of how things happen. They just do.
  • I stopped doing things I loved like reading, writing, seeing movies or even just cuddle and listen to music. I didn't feel like it.
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  • I began to loose my concentration and I was always tired.
  • My mental health was bad. I felt lost. I was sleeping all day, missing my classes. Sadness and Pain became my new roommates.
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  • I hurt myself again. Just trying to ignore my emocional pain with another kind. I suffered every time it happened. I still got the marks on my arm to remain me of what happen but more important : I SURVIVED
  • The point that help me understand I couldn't keep like this was when I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be alive. Such scary thoughts surrounded my mind.
  • Then one day I did it. I sat my dad down and I told him I need help and how things were turning dangerous. Those are simple words "I NEED HELP" but they have such power. Don't dismiss them , even if you asked for help before.
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It's a work in progress. Dealing with myself one step at a time. Currently I'm with my meds and attending my therapy sessions while working on going to class and hang out with my friends.

This is not a "Happy Ending". This is a journey. One I'm still part of. Please even if you hesitate more than once ASK FOR HELP. Don't be afraid or don't leave that heavy bag on your shoulders.

You are worth it and you deserve love, help & care. Don't forget that.

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Love, Ferny.

I do not own any of the pictures. Credits to it's rightful owner.