Who is my mom really? A question, probably not many people have asked themselves.

For 18 years, I thought I knew who my mom was. Well turns out most of it, has been a lie.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 years old, later my mom married my stepdad and moved away. She took me with her and left my siblings with my dad, with the "reason" that she only could get custody of me.

What I didn't know was, that this would be the beginning of a living hell.

Let's start at the reason my mom and dad divorced. My mom always told me, that she divorced my dad because he was so depressed and pessimistic. I believed that for 18 years.
And that wasn't the reason. My mother ran away for half a year with my (now) stepdad, leaving my dad alone with me and my siblings.
She cheated on him and was the reason for his depression.

Then she moved away with my stepdad, and took me with her. It wasn't because she only got custody of me, she just only wanted me.
Because I was the youngest, so she had more control over me.

Years went by, where I almost never saw my dad or siblings. My stepdad became abusive towards me and my mom, but my mom told me that was though love. She taught me, that if you are violent towards a person it can be a sign of love.

This physical and mental abuse, caused me to feel ill very often. My mom told me, it was because I had a weak immune system. That I was weak, and needed special treatments. We spent so much time going in and out of the hospital, with all kinds of diseases that i "had".
I believed that for 18 years.

She taught me that my dad was crazy, and my siblings didn't want to know me because I was "weak".

One day the abuse got so violent, my mom and I had to run away. We ran away to a women shelter on my 18-year-old birthday, and now it was just me and her.
I thought it all was about to get better, that it all seemed brighter.
But i was wrong.

I noticed sides of my mom I never saw before, sides that made me scared and uncomfortable. She seemed crazy.

One morning I woke up, and she was gone. She left me alone at the women shelter. I didn't know what to do, so I kept it a secret for the workers there. I told them that my mom was on vacation, they seemed surprised.

After about a week of living alone, they pulled me aside and asked if I knew about her mental illnesses such as borderline, Munchausen's syndrome, etc. I didn't.

My life got flipped upside down that day, there were so many things I could link together now. But I was still alone in the women shelter, and I almost didn't have more food.

I felt like my only choice was to contact my dad, and he was there the same day I called. He was always there just like my siblings, but I have been fed up with lies my whole life.

Their arms are open, and I can feel their love. That true love between a family, even though I been gone for so long.

I'm 18 years old now, I almost just figured it all and there's still so much to discover. I'm trying my best to bond with my dad and siblings, but having been apart from them for so long have really affected it.

But can I blame my mom now that I know she suffers from mental illnesses?
This might seem harsh, but hell yes. 18 years of my life have mostly been based on lies, and abuse. My mom is still gone to this day today, she is not missing I just don't wanna know where she is and what she is doing for now.

Of course, my mom and I had good times, but she just ruined so big parts of my life that I'm at this stage is not ready to talk with her.

But in conclusion to my question, I still don't know the answer and probably never will.

18 years of lies, 18 years of life.