Hey guys-

time check: 9:20pm.

Another relatively early time for a ‘3am thoughts’ journal entry, however this entry was actually promoted from scrolling through WeHeartIt, as opposed to the usual I can’t sleep.

It looks like there is some type of TAG going around, where people are looking to make pen pal/internet friends/ know some people in the community better. After reading through a few I appear to be 5-7 years older, so say hello to grandma. I’m 23, and I most commonly saw 15-18 in other’s posts. I think WeHeartIt is an unappreciated platform, being that it’s the only one I can think of that allows people to post full articles. While I don’t do a ton of TAG prompted entries I thought this was a cool concept to get to know some of the community and I’m curious if this could be a platform for me to find someone like me, let alone my age.

Lately I’ve gotten pretty set on the idea that I have a mind set that matches no one else’s, and while I think everyone is unique; I don’t believe that I am so unique as to be the only one that thinks the way I do and sees things the way I do. I am the most cynical optimist you’ll meet. Perhaps you’ve read an article fo mine, and perhaps, based off of that article alone you are thinking f**k no will I be friends with you, and if you don’t know what article I’m talking about:

The story got way more attention than I had planned or ended up wanting via that article, and my YouTube video. At the time I shared it as an experience I had, and because I thought it was super shocking that internet friends meeting negatively effected our friendship, ultimately causing it to end.

As it turns out, not too shocking, evidently a ton of people went through similar situations which I found both ironic and sad. In addition to the hundreds of comments and messages I received about others stories, I received thousands of comments of backlash towards me or my friend, typically taking one of our sides and then blaming the other.

The whole thing happened 2 years ago and at this point, we’re on good terms, we don’t talk, its unfortunate how the situation played out, and while I still stand by my feelings towards it, my reaction to certain parts could’ve been handled better and vise versa, nothing tragic happened, we just didn’t click how we thought we did and I don’t think either of us knew how to feel or handle it. But I do cringe at the video, spoiler alert, I was dramatic, but not in a theatrical way, quite the opposite; I look and sound like I hadn’t sleep in days.

So after a fun experience like that you’d think I’d drift from internet friends, you’d think. Let me break down the people in my life for you, minus my parents, and coworkers and - okay ya know what - Let me break down the FRIENDS in my life. I have friends that I talk to on occasion as most people do, but I am a very hardcore ride or die, you’re in my circle (which is kinda just a triangle) or you’re not. And the kicker I’m not super closed off, clearly - considering I keep a diary and post it to the internet. But I only get close to a few people, but when I get close to someone it’s everything to me. I am an all or nothing person, which has proven to be my best and worst trait.

The triangle in my life:
Noah - my best friend & boyfriend of 5 years, my whole heart.

Will - friend of 6 years & ex boyfriend (HAHA I know what you’re thinking, but we dated in the middle of high school, twice, for a grand total of 2 months -was not serious, if that wasn’t obvious. We actually saw each other less when we were dating than after the fact, while I can’t imagine my life without him we would both jump off a cliff before dating again).

Alex - internet best friend of 4 years, I put internet, because we are internet friends, I guess, but I just call him a best friend. We met through youtube in the dumbest way possible, but it makes for a good story. He’s given me so much life advice that I should be in a way better place than I am right now, but I’m working on it -

So that’s my triangle and before I point out the obvious, I of course have other people I care about, but to date those 3 people have made the greatest impact on my life, taking a bullet for them would be the quickest decision I’d ever make.

Okay so the obvious, do I have to say it? Boys. They’re all guys. Ew. Cooties. I know. But every time I’ve had a best friend, that then turned into more of a sister to me (you know I’m thinking of specific names) or friend group of girls, it has burned me one way or another. I think when it comes to friendships in general I’m kind of unrealistic, which maybe is why guys are able to put up with me longer than girls, that’s me making an overwhelming stereotype that guys have the ability to care less when needed.

Of course I have people I’ll always care about who once were my best friends, but we just don’t talk anymore. People drift and I’ve had to learn to let people go when they walked away, but while I care about them I’ve burned a bridge so they can’t come back. My way of dealing with it, not saying it’s the right way.

But every time I’ve mentioned my expectations are too high or unrealistic I mean, okay example - people were starting to say for a while Disney movies were setting an underlying bad example (at times) for young girls, because the prince always saved the princess - I never paid attention to that. I always hung onto the best friend roles in movies and shows. Throwback example would be Miley and Lily from Hannah Montana, Carly and Sam from iCarly. I always wanted a friendship like that, and subconsciously I think I tried to push that on some of my previous friendships with people who are much more of group people. Don’t get me wrong I’d love a friend group, who doesn’t wish they were actually in the show Friends? Realization I’ve had to make is the show part.

Here’s been the biggest thing it’s come down to for me having a ‘triangle’ of friends, biggest 2 things. To no new knowledge of my last article

my mindset over the last year has been different, skewed, even from how I normally think, which as I mentioned earlier; not your typical mindset. So already not feeling like myself does not make me the best candidate for keeping people in my life, even if that’s what I was trying to do. Additionally, my interests, I consider myself a creative person in a way that I use things like writing and filming as outlets for me and a way to connect to people I wouldn’t otherwise be able to connect with. And while this is a pretty main stream idea, not everyone’s biggest hobbies are creative outlets, and not everyone see’s the potential platform of sitting alone in their room talking to a camera, especially not in my town.

Alex and I don’t see eye to eye on everything, but when it comes to interests and hobbies, I mean let’s be real here - we met because we both make videos for the internet. And, because of my blissful location, the internet is how I’ve most commonly found people who share these interests.

Seems to make sense to me, how to find people who would be interested in the internet? The internet. Which is pretty much everything my parents used to say not to do, make friends on the internet. Too late.

So that’s how we got here, and why looking at that TAG got me on this thought track. I’m looking to potentially turn my triangle into a square. I think a part of me has accepted that I’m not finding that Miley and Lily friendship, and maybe that’s because they didn’t find it, it was written for them. And maybe there really isn’t anyone else who wants to be in the chaos.

No big expectations from here, if anything I think it’d be fun to get to know other writers on here. I also love collaborating with people, again always searching for the common interests, and as I’ve also discussed I love projects. I actually think I came up with something for a WeHeartIt collab, but it would require a small group of people who enjoy posting articles on here. I’m thinking about putting out a little info. post, shoot me a message on here if you’d be interested in hearing about it!

Life update on damage control coming tomorrow - based off of this entry I would say it’s going just dandy. But in all seriousness I owe my life to my triangle. I have no idea how Noah has managed to put up with me, basically daily for 5 years and counting, but he’s truly my better half. Will should’ve taken our second breakup as his ticket out, but he blew that chance and I’m better because of it. And to my surprise after 4 years Alex is still answering my FaceTime calls.

Maybe 4 is a crowd.

time check: 11:18pm

as always
Thanks for reading♡
-✘O Court

It happens, it sucks.
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