death.

is a strange concept, really. How can you just.. not be.

I've met death. But at that time I was ready for it, awaiting it even. So it didn't scare me. As I stood above my dead father's pale still figure. It looked like him, but it wasn't him anymore, was it? I didn't feel anything. I didn't even cry, all tears already spilled over the years he's been ill. It was almost peaceful, thinking he was finally released from life that wasn't always gentle with him. I was left with only pang of guilt that it was him who died, and me who could keep on living.
And like they promised, nothing really changed. That day, I swear, a sky got little darker but other than that the world didn't stop spinning. For that I am really sorry as it shows that in the end who really are we. Just another star in the whole universe of stars.

It's worse with children. When they die suddenly, no warnings beforehand. You scroll through their social medias seeing their happy faces on pictures with friends. The music they shared because it made them feel things. The inside jokes in comments only the closest ones to them could understand. And now they're dead. Their star stopped shining, their story cut in the middle. So harsh.

My heart hurts for them. For the injustice this world bears. Why them, I am sure their families are asking. Left alone with only their pain. It's hard to look for a meaning, although thinking it has some, would bring a relief. But I know very well how relief is not really a relief in moments like these. You are the one who is left living. It's not your life that was lost. You don't want to feel relief, you want to cry for them. Wallow in your grief. Because keep on living feels somehow selfish. And so you hold on to that sorrow until you can no more. And only memories on what was lost remains.

I've met death. It made me feel all and nothing at the same time. It made me hate it yet accept it. It made me think. How unfair the world we live in is. How little we actually mean. How nothing ever lasts or matters because it will be inevitably lost either way. It's like a game we're playing that cannot be won no matter how hard we try. And so I realize winning is not the goal. And it somehow calms me.
Being a person whom very heavy head was given I tend to overthink. Which many times brought me nothing but suffering but also many times saved me from trouble. I, like everybody at times, I believe, have considered dying by my own choice. Reasons varying from feeling like not living anymore to being desperate or lonely or just sad. Never actually planning on doing it. What it always bring me to, though, is this strange feeling of freedom. When the desperation you feel peaks and you hit rock bottom, and you consider giving up everything, you realize, that nothing matters. And at that moment you are truly free. You can do anything. Spend all your money, leave to Tokyo and never come back, finally fill your bucket list. For a moment you see the life for what it really is. Just a gamepad in your hands. Options limited but wide anyway. What you gonna do is on your consideration only, really.
So? What you gonna do? Give it all up?