Anxiety...
Nobody knows how it feels to live with it. How much it affects your life every single day. It’s been a while now; I haven’t written for a few months because my head was just not at a good place.
Anxiety is a complicated issue, you can feel it in your bones and muscles, but you can’t see it, at least not always. It consumes you, breaks you, leaves you on the floor without the will to get up.
It’s hard, I’m not gonna lie. It’s difficult to deal with it and sometimes I just want to give up, close my eyes and sleep peacefully without any negative thoughts or problems. The thing is, it’s not how it happens but I’m going to tell you how it does.
Anxiety doesn’t own a clock, it can hit you early in the morning, or while you’re having lunch, or when you’re trying to sleep. Anxiety doesn’t care if you’re alone or with company, it will punch hard in the stomach and make you run to the bathroom because it makes you feel sick.
And believe me when I say that this is not the worst that can happen. Physical pain it’s nothing compared to the psychological trauma, or the thoughts that can hunt you at any time. I’ve been dealing with it for a while and I honestly don’t know if it’s getting better or worst.
But I’m sure of many other things, things that not everyone are aware of them. Panic attacks are real, my hands start to tremble, and my heart explodes, my mouth gets dry and I can’t breathe most of the times. They just happen randomly, and I can never control them.
And then your mind starts to play tricks with you, filling you with insecurity, sadness, self-doubt, angriness… it’s like your own brain is trying to kill itself and your body is suffering the consequences. And that’s when mental breakdowns start to show.
On good days you almost forget about the bad things, like they’re so little and insignificant. On bad days it rains, it pours, and you just want to stop existing. Anxiety fucks you up more than anything will. You stop believing in people because you’re tired of the lies, you stop caring for them because they don’t even call you to know if you’re okay. And eventually what you did to other people, you start doing it to yourself.
Anxiety hits so deep in your soul that even when you’re so sure of something, it makes you doubt it in a second. And you have to hide it from everyone, because no one will understand what it’s happening to you especially when you don’t know what’s going on with yourself.
You cry without knowing why and other times you can’t stop laughing for some reason. Sometimes you want to talk and say something, but the words just don’t come out. Or when you want to write but your mind is completely blank. Or even when you have to go to school or work, but you just can’t find the strength to put on some clothes. When you have to take a bath and you have to drag yourself to the bathroom, but once you feel the hot water, you almost want to boil and stay there for an hour.
Anxiety runs inside my veins, it’s a disease without a cure. It kills me slowly because she makes me feel things that I know it won’t ever fade. Loneliness overruns me and I’m drowning on my own, completely alone. I gasp for air but there’s just nobody there. She makes me believe that if I drink, I’ll feel okay for a while and forget about all the things that make me fall apart. And then she punishes me with the hangover that never seems to pass.
Anxiety is like being on top of the mountain, contemplating the view. But in a second she ripped out that illusion and brings you back to the ground, so you have to climb all the way to the top again.
Anxiety makes you want to fight and to give up at the same time, it’s like a Russian roulette. Some days you get to have luck on your side and in others you lose it all. One day I won’t climb the mountain again, or if I do, I’ll just jump so I can feel free one last time. One day I will not fight against the waves, I’ll let them take me and drown me away.

JudithTR

Thank you for reading this article. This is my personal experience with anxiety, every single person experiences it in different ways, with different symptoms. I want to thank the people who sent me messages after reading it and if you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are open. ♡