No matter how good I feel about myself, I end up hating myself when I see the reflection in front of me. No matter how confident I feel in my own skin, my size makes me insecure and disappointed. That’s why I don’t usually take photos and rarely post my own. I even hid and archived some of mine that I posted years ago. Not everyone could understand this crazy issue I have so I don’t explain it to anyone. Some things are better left unsaid and it’s easier this way.

I know there are A LOT of people who can relate to me. You’d think I hate myself but I don’t. I really don’t. But I did years ago. There are parts of me I can’t accept but I’m trying to embrace each of them. I love my small boobs and my fat bellies. I think my crooked teeth look kind of cute with a single dimple when I smile. I’m okay with my stretch marks on my hips and my knees. I’m not a huge fan of my nose but let’s thank God I’m not Voldemort yeah? And it’s not hard anymore to accept the fact that I have this skin disease which makes mine different from others so I can’t eat literally everything I want to. But oh boy does it hurt when people look and point at my feet and ask me what the hell they are. Even I know they’re the consequences of post-injections but do they understand? So I usually shrug it off.

Generally, basically, I love my face in real life more than my candids and some wrong angle-shaped selfies. But I admit I don’t always love those pimples on my nose and fainted scars on my chin. I got insecure very easily when I see pretty girls with long thighs, wide gaps between and aesthetic model posts from instagram. It got me feels really bad once I start to compare my whole self with those strangers. Comparing is such a cruel way to jeopardize one’s confidence and self-esteem. But now I know that most people don’t show off their unloved ugly sides on public. We all grow at our own rates and beautiful like flowers.

Some think that I don’t like my appearance and myself just because I don’t really post my pictures on social media. And how absurd it is to assume. Probably you don’t feel me. How I’m afraid to post something about my pics and how much courage does it take to post one. You don’t know I always (always)delete back at once I upload something of me. And it sucks but this is me and I gotta deal with it. One day when I have strength enough to post of me, I’ll off every comment box and wishing I could also close the liking button. Because baby why would I need anyone’s anything sweet or mean reactions when I’m liking myself and it’s all that matters. In my life I’ve seen so many people who dress up to post a lot but still hate their outlooks but in contrast I’ve encountered a few who are on the opposite side. But cheers for those babes who post and love themselves at the same time and still try to accept when they feel low. We all are human beings. We all have feelings. And it’s abso-fucking-lutely okay to not feel perfect all the time.

I stop finding validation from anyone, from anything. From any mirrors. From anyone’s judgemental looks. From any comments of my family. Actually life works really funny sometimes. I mean why should I have to change my comfortable pants again when my grandma doesn’t agree with me and hit me with unreasonable facts. Why do I look short in reflective glass-doors when it seems long when I look down to my legs. And why my skin looks so smooth on the living-room mirror but the one in my room shows the acnes explicitly.

So THE message I want to give is it’s okay if you don’t if you can’t like/love yourself right now. It’s an option. It’s a choice. It’s a survival like Lizzo said. And in our daily lives we have to choose carefully for the mirror to check up ourselves. Because mirrors are different according to the lighting, shape and height. And sometimes they lie when they receive wrong brightness and I hope you don’t always believe what they tell you. Never ever rely the idea of yourself on a thin metal and boneless tongues. Being you is a struggle but damn it’s worth more than every penny.The last thing I want you to know is find the validation within yourself because eventually it will stay longer or could be the longest than from anywhere, anyone and anything.

My dear, you’re not alone on this journey. You got this!