Hey guys. I was actually in the process of writing another article, about my current 9-5 job, following up that I am currently, as of yesterday, doing damage control on my life.

But as I was writing that article something reminded me of this letter I had written to Ellen Degeneres. The original date of this letter was September 17th 2018, a few months into my first career job. Current day is August 14th 2019, just under one year later. A year is both an insanely sort and long amount of time. And although less has changed from then to now than I’d like to admit, my mindset has, slightly.

I’ve recently been sparked with a "I can turn my life around into something really great" attitude. The whole it could be worse, but I can also make it better attitude from yesterday. Damage control.

But as I reread this I realized how desperately I was looking for advice, granted Ellen might be one of the single best people to enlist advice from, but suppose she did see this letter and she did tell me to go for something that was fulfilling to me, make an impact, be more - then what? I might as well assume that’s what she’d say if she read the letter and go from there.

Which again is the theme of everything I’ve been doing, for the last 48 hours. I’ll check back in at 72 - but this is a letter I wrote to Ellen Degeneres, about knowing and not knowing what I wanted, basically looking for purpose. To no surprise she has not seen the letter and I can confirm my expectations on that were very low, however in the letter you’ll learn why I would still take the time to write to her, and that it was a much more therapeutic process for me. The prompt that I saw when I went to the Ellen Degeneres Show site went as follows,

“Tell Us Your Story”

This was my letter.

“Tell Us Your Story,” I think that’s my problem, I don’t have one.

Dear Ellen,

My name is Courtney, and I know what you’re gonna say, everyone has a story. So yes, technically, I have a story. But in my opinion, it’s just not one worth telling. Take the scene from a movie, where everything is going WAY to well for the main character(s) that you almost expect something to go wrong, because you’re only at the half way point, and it can’t end happy yet, so you know the writer is going to throw a wrench in everything. Then there’s an abrupt downward spiral where NOTHING goes right. That’s me, except, it’s way less dramatic, dumber, I never get to the next scene, the ‘everything’s fixed scene’

and I’m not in a movie.

I wish I was in movies, that was my dream job. I actually went to a school for theater for my first 2 years of high school, but the academics, at the time, literally left you with no plan b. Which I’m usually not one to have a plan a, so I’m not sure how that bothered me, but I guess it was me trying to be realistic? And by people telling me to be realistic, but they weren’t wrong. I mean, I was surrounded by hundreds of people my age who all wanted the same thing, most of them had way more experience than me, and were WAY more aggressive to land parts. I didn’t leave the school, because I thought I couldn’t do it. I learned I could be just as aggressive, and without being mean about it. Still, it was implied for sure that I’d have to work harder than some of the kids who must’ve been born on a stage, but that never bothered me.

I left, because something a professor of mine said stuck with me, ‘You have to want it more than anything else,’ and I didn’t. I didn’t even want it as much as half the people around me. I wanted what they wanted, but for a completely different reason, and not one person at that school was there for the same reason as me, and if that wasn’t a sign I didn’t know what was.

I think a movie done right can still make you feel something the 100th time you’ve watched it. People will go and see a movie about something they don’t want to talk about, but they’ll watch it; controversial topics. Movies make people think, feel, they inspire people. And actors get to impact people through their characters. I always thought if I (Courtney Lynn) couldn’t impact people, I could portray someone who did. And that’s what I was thinking at the school, when everyone wanted to land the roles to have their name be known, I was trying to portray something I couldn’t be, just being me. That’s what I want more than anything else, to be a part of something bigger than me, something that will last longer than me.

But I transferred to my town’s public high school going into my junior year and the first week of that year was the longest week of my life. I remember the first day would not end. I forgot to mention the set up of my previous performing arts school, I didn’t get home from there till around 6pm. It was basically a full time job, academics - morning till noon, theater until 5, or so. Public school we got out at 2:15, sharp, and yet it felt 10 times longer. Eventually I adjusted, graduated, and then didn’t go to college. The end.

Just kidding - but that’s a basically where this is going, let me tell you how my life played a giant joke on me.

I did not go to a university, not, because I don’t value education. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I still couldn’t tell you one thing I wanted more than anything else, which has been the theme of my life. But I knew what I didn’t want, a 9-5 office job. I didn’t want to do the same thing every single day of my life, that in the end wouldn’t matter to me, or anyone else. I hate routine, I always said I liked being back stage and on set, because I liked the chaos. What psychopath likes chaos? Anyways, I went to community college, because I couldn’t justify spending insane amounts of money on a 4 year university that I couldn’t pick a major at. I was being responsible, and I didn’t apply anywhere.

So community college shut my family up, I took general courses and some random things and built my own, ‘none of these fit into one major’ degree. A degree I then did not receive, because a year and a half in I dropped out. I then enrolled into a cosmetology program. I love makeup- this actually stemmed from a really negative outlook on myself, and my appearance, but I recycled it into a passion for makeup. But the schooling aspect of it was more so to break the news of leaving community college to those who would indefinitely be telling me I’m making a mistake.

Fast forward to right now (3 years later), guess what I’m doing? Laying in bed at 11:20pm on a Monday night, writing this to you. Bet you thought I was going to say working a 9-5 office job, nope, I stuck to my word and never did that. My hours are 8:30-5.

So here’s where I’m at, I don’t want to complain, so I don’t. Having a full time, 40 hour a week, job is a luxury; I understand this. Some people I know have graduated college, in debt, and can’t get a job with their degree. Usually, because they don’t have working experience in that field yet, but they can’t get it if no one will hire them, it’s the biggest catch 22. I’ve seen it with my friends. So I know I’m lucky to have this job, but I’ve been there a few months, and I’m not going to sugar coat it - I don’t know how people do it. I don’t. Everybody does this, it’s a job, it’s the norm, everyone tells me this and I can’t accept it. ‘Do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life,’ but that’s not what it is anymore. The better half of people don’t have a job they love. They can accept a 9-5 schedule, be content with doing something they don’t hate, but have no passion for; but I can’t.

Math was my worst subject in school, and I did the math on this, so that’s saying something. If I get home every week day at 6pm and stay up till midnight to get 7 hours of sleep, to then wake up for my next work day - that’s 6 hours a day for me, to do something I actually want to do/ care about. Like am I crazy for thinking that’s insane? And it’s not the working part, I’d work more hours, later hours if I thought what I was doing was important or impacting, which would also imply I was passionate about it. Everyone says life is short, but nobody acts on it. I’m 22, I’ve lived about a 4th of my life, assuming I live a healthy one. And what have I got to show for it? I know people say you can’t compare yourself to others- but I know people my age, even younger than me even, doing incredible things, that are way bigger than them and important to them, so why shouldn’t I? And that’s not me talking myself down, it’s being inspired to do something bigger, by other people.

Believe it or not, when I talk I’m not long winded in person like I am when I write, and there’s a reason why I write so much. I was never one to stand out at school or really voice my opinion, I didn’t really make much of an impact, on anyone or anything. And for some people that’s okay. Example, my best friend also works an office job around the same hours, and he’s perfectly content with his schedule and liking what he’s doing, and that’s great. I would never ask someone what the bigger picture is for them. There’s a Matthew McConaughey speech (I’m obsessed with all of his speeches) that says you have to define personal success, because it’s not the same for everyone, in that speech he mentions options like, money, family, and then he says; “Maybe you want to leave the world a little bit better than you found it,” and that’s stuck with me since the first time I listened to the speech years ago, and every time after. I was finally able to define personal success and what would be fulfilling for me, being apart of something/doing something that would matter even after me, because there will be an ‘after me’ and maybe that’s dark for some people, but it’s the truth.

To add to the fact that I already felt I wasn’t making much of an impact, over the last maybe 2-3 years I have been Einstein’s definition of insanity. I was doing the same things and expecting different results. I have intentionally lacked to mention that through I have developed (undiagnosed) panic disorder, I didn’t go back to the 2 therapists I paid 1 visit to each, when they both started the same suggestion, so who knows, maybe neither would’ve officially diagnosed me had I paid a couple more visits, but I never let them get that far. So, for a while, my entire life became me distracting myself from my life. I was simply going through the phases to get by. And if my life where a story, the last 2 years would be the same page, over and over. And I can’t do it anymore. You’d probably find this surprising by my tone, but I have so many ideas, and dreams, things that I want to achieve. I’ve lost a lot of that over the last few months, not many people around me have noticed, everyone’s congratulating me on my career step forward, no ones realized mentally I’ve fallen down a flight of steps.

I mentioned there was a reason why this letter is so long winded, letters are like second nature to me, maybe even first. My English teachers always told me I was a good writer, but I write like I was talking to someone, like a letter, and you’re not supposed to do that in an essay. Which I still don’t understand, if you’re writing something for someone else to read it, why wouldn’t you address them? Seems rude. Regardless I wrote on like this, because I couldn’t switch myself out of it. When I was younger I had a baby sitter named Abby. To skip to the point (for once) I wrote her a letter, everyday, since I was 13. I stopped giving them to her, and basically kept a journal, but I just wrote Dear Abby instead. So I’ve written down everyday of my life for the past 9 years. Minus a couple weeks as of recently. It’s crazy - want to know what I did April 17th 2013? I could tell you. What I was I thinking on my 17th birthday? I can read it back to you. It’s interesting to look back on, but there’s a giant downfall. I think everyone goes through some things you’d simply rather not remember. I can reread all of them. I can reread being in the same chapter of my life for far too long. As if my life were a story, and that’s how I know I don’t have one. A real one anyways.

I’m not trying to be you, but I’m inspired by you. Everything you do for people, and not just the people you bring on your show, all the people who watch your show, that spend part of their day smiling and laughing, because of you. Talking about something that people will listen to, because it’s you, furthermore impacting them to rethink something they might not have thought twice about before. Inspiring people like me to want to be better, and do more, because I know it’s possible. I know not everyone is going to have a platform like yours or even close to it, but another quote I’ve had stick with me, “You have to start somewhere,” and I am.

A lot of this inspiration came from youtube, Youtubers like Remi Ashten, Alisha Marie, Roman Atwood; Tyler Oakley, someone I know you care about, raised me. They are the people showing me daily that you can do all these things, and be this extraordinary person, if you’re willing to work for it. I have a youtube channel. Court’s Chaos, seemed fitting for someone who can’t commit to one thing and previously admitted to enjoying chaos. Chaos I think has a bad rep, when you hear chaos typically that implies something bad, I think of chaos as busy and a lot happening, I say I live for the good chaos. You have to find beauty in the chaos. Which is what I’ve been trying to remind myself, something I tell myself and I’m trying to remember it. That’s where I’m at. It’s not really that I think any of this is terrible, in the grand scheme of things, things could be way worse, I just feel crazy for thinking that I could be doing something more.

It’s 5 minutes to midnight, and in order to remain on schedule of my 7 hours of sleep I should wrap this up. I’m not really sure what I’m asking for, but I think it’s advice and guidance? I have so many things that I want to do, so many ideas and goals. I want to impact people in a way of being 10 minutes someone is laughing, even if it’s not me, if it’s my idea portrayed by someone else, or me portraying someone else entirely. I just want to know I’m a part of something that matters, even if other people don’t, I think I’d sleep better knowing my days were being spent towards something I thought mattered.

I’ve written down my life everyday for 9 years, knowing no one was going to read it. Sending this to you is taking a chance that you might. I know this is stretch, especially, because I’m ending on a note of not really knowing what I’m asking to come from this. But even so writing this has helped me untangle a lot of thoughts in my head, and ironically I think it’s helped me further realize what I want more than anything else, and I hope it’s the start to a story I’d want to tell.

Yours Truly,
Courtney Lynn

P.S. I’m sorry if there are any spelling errors, or typos; my English teachers also always told me I’d only be a good writer if I had multiple editors.

So that was my letter. If you made it through that I truly want to thank you, it was all over the place and very raw. I think maybe I felt comfortable explaining I had no idea what I wanted and what purpose I was serving, because truthfully like every other letter I wrote, I pretty much knew I’d be the only one reading it back. A year later I’ve decided to put it somewhere public, because as I mentioned, up until 48 hours ago my mindset hadn’t changed much. And who knows maybe a switch flipped out of impulse of being fed up with my ways and it won’t last and it won’t be the start to a story I’d want to tell. But if by some chance it is, I’d want to tell it from the beginning. Plus, what’s the point in telling your story if the only person you ever told was you?

as always
Thanks for reading♡
-✘O Court

It happened, it sucks.
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