Hey guys. Current time: 9:57pm, a rather early time to be making a 3am thought entry, an early hour that is. In actuality this about a year late. Probably closer to 2 years. It is August 13th 2019. Let me cringe as I check the last time I posted an article on here…June 3rd 2018. So actually closer to a year. A year, 2 months and 10 days; but who’s counting?

Trigger Warning this article is coming from a raw state of mind, some of the things I say and the way I think may be triggering for some people. If you struggle with anxiety, depression, panic disorder and/or don’t like reading about things that could trigger overthinking (specifically dealing with feeling stuck in a situation) I recommend a different article. I write what I’m thinking, because it helps me and I know it interests and has potential to help people who might relate, but it’s not for everyone.

It’s been 1 year since I’ve felt like myself. Even writing this I’m struggling so much, to just think of what to say - which is normally just what Im thinking, but I’m thinking about too many things at once to be able to focus on one long enough to type out. Which makes me sound actually insane. But it’s like I have too many thoughts - too many ideas - you know what I hate? When I think too myself, I do have potential because then my next immediate thought is yea, w a s t e d potential. I swear if someone else had my brain - okay wait I realize that wouldn’t make it any different - if someone could pull out the good thoughts and ideas from the mess in my brain.

As you try to get over the fact that you can’t just pull out a highlight reel from someone’s brain, continue to bare with me as I try to grasp the topic of this article long enough to explain.

Recap so far: my mind is spinning and it’s been spinning for a year. To be fair it’s definitely been more than a year, I’ve always been scatterbrained and the past couple years have definitely been ‘emotional’ for me, for lack of a less unoriginal word. But the past year is where shit really hit the fan. December of 2018 was probably the worst month of my life. I say probably, because I feel like it shouldn’t be, nothing really dramatic happened, there was no one moment or singular thing that snapped, nothing like that, and yet e v e r y t h i n g fell apart. It’s almost like I didn’t realize how well I was actually handling myself until I hit the floor. And then got stepped on. By an elephant.

Let me give you insight on that pretty picture. In order to fall, you have to fall from somewhere - November of 2018 was probably one of the best months of my life, without me even realizing it. High highs, low lows my friends. Sure, I had my moments in November, but overall I was living life and getting SO excited for December.

Winter is my favorite season Christmas is my favorite holiday. I go a l l out. Yes, I’m one of those. Your overly cheerful neighbor blinding you with my Christmas lights before Thanksgiving is over. My Christmas music comes on before the radio even starts playing it, I know; I’m the worst. But I thrive in the winter. Ironically I’m cold on a summer night and I live in New England. If you should learn one thing about New England from me - it’s that we receive a heavy 4 seasons. Hot, humid, sticky summers (it feels as gross as I made it sound), and freeze your ass off winters. Trust me I know places get colder, it’s not even really the temperature itself, it’s the fact that one day it’ll be nice enough to wear just a light jacket, and the next you feel like you might get hypothermia if you get out of bed in the morning. I was pumping gas and I thought I was gonna lose my hand. So taking into account my statement of “I’m cold on a summer night”, winter weather is rough for me. But everything else, the best.

But at this point in the story, we’re in mid November and I don’t even realize how well I’m doing. Like I said getting overly pumped for Christmas, probably changing my social media account names to Courtney Claus, really just driving people to the edge with my eagerness. And planning. So much planning. That’s been my thing in the last year, I keep planning things, but I don’t act on any of them for excuse a b and c. It’s frustrating beyond words. But I’m planning my little head off, spinning my ideas up in my head. I’m a goal oriented person, which at this point would be hard to believe, because I’ve been playing off that I’m not striving towards anything, go with the flow pretty well - but everyday I feel like I get more an more worried that I’ll never achieve certain things. And I’m not even talking huge things, I’ve really tired to make my expectations of myself semi realistic - because I do have some blown out of proportions goals (that I definitely won’t let go of, cause I can’t let go of anything). But even just being able to write again, it’s so discouraging trying to force yourself to want to do something you used to love doing - longer post coming on that thought alone-

Essentially in writing this I’m realizing being as long winded as I tend to be I could give you a play by play from November 2018, to current day August 2019 - however for your sake and mine, I’ll give you the highlight reel, if a highlight reel consisted of moments in time where you realized you were falling apart.

Got into a falling out with my best friend right after planning to spend essentially the whole month of December together. Lost motivation to film, the one thing I always wanted to be doing. Started hating editing, because I could see my energy in videos, or lack of it. Stopped wearing makeup, not because I felt good without it, but I couldn’t get myself to care enough. And the one that has followed my to current day, realizing the job I’m in is not for me.

Let me explain something to you, I could go off on my opinions of 9-5 office jobs, and how I swore I’d never end up in one, which so far I haven’t. My hours are 8:30-5, funny how life does that to you. But here’s the thing, they are a touchy subject, not in the way anxiety would be, but in the way that they are a luxury. It is a luxury to be able to find a full time, good paying job, and I understand that. However, the quote, “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life” is only half a quote in my mind. “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life; if you hate what you do, you’ll hate your f*cking life.” Kidding. I’m being dramatic, but it’s not a coincidence that this is how I feel current day, and I started my 8:30-5 corporate America office job June 4th 2018. Date sound familiar? The last article I posted, June 3rd 2018. Take what I say about office jobs with a grain of salt, for now, full article to come, but let’s keep the record straight. They’re a luxury, I’m acknowledging I’m lucky to have one, I’m not against them, or belittling them, or suggesting they don’t serve a life of purpose. For some people, if not most, I think it’s ideal. But I don’t think everyone is wired to have a schedule being in an office for 8 hours a day. Me being one of those people.

Perhaps you might think, oh wow, you ended up in a full time job, how on earth did you let yourself fall this far? And I get it, it could be worse. But, it could be better. I never liked those it could be worse sayings, not because I don’t think reality checks are necessary or because I frown upon looking for the silver lining, but every problem you face is relative to you. Generally people agree that comparing your looks to someone else’s can be toxic, comparing gets you nowhere, but then you bring up something you may be struggling with and all of a sudden its, “but you have to remember, it can be so much worse” telling someone they’re not allowed to feel a certain way about something, because it could be worse, would be like going around telling people they shouldn’t be so happy, because it could be better. So yes, for me, it could be worse, but it could be better.

And for the past year, if not more I have acknowledged both sides, I have accepted and adjusted to the office job and normal career path as best I could, because of it not being the worst situation I could be in. On the flip side, in the back of my mind I continued to have increasing thoughts of, but this isn’t fulfilling to you, you feel like you don’t have purpose on this path. But I got comfortable, not happy comfortable, damaging comfortable.

I knew by staying in this job past realizing it was absolutely not for me, I was damaging my life, mentally, emotionally, which effects physically all aspects of my life, my whole outlook on life. And that’s not to suggest I’m not happy person, but if you couldn’t tell by this rambled out explanation there’s a lot of work to be done, specifically with undoing the choices I have, or more so haven’t made over the past year. I want to be more intentional with what I do, instead of just wishing I had been.

See when I graduated high school I did not leave myself a plan, no sir, I was going to go day by day. And you know what, I’m still not a plan out your whole life type person, I like planning projects, but in my experience I’ve found the people who have their lives planned out exactly how they want to happen, have a hard time adjusting when the inevitable happens, the variable they missed in their 10 year calculation, life. Even when you think you have it all figured out, you don’t. I’d argue, the more you think you know how things will play out, the less you really do. All that being said, if I had given myself so much as a vague blueprint- I wouldn’t have argued, but I didn’t, so this is where I’m at. Damage control.

And that’s about all I can give you for now, because this is day 1. And I don’t know if there’s something good that can come out of me writing these as I’m in the middle of it, but boy are we in the middle of it. I'm not sure where it is either, but it, involves a lot of emotional nights, too much overthinking, a plane ticket, and a very supportive (stubborn) friend.

If you take 1 thing from this, everything is a choice, be intentional, even if that means starting today.

Time Check: 11:26pm.

as always,
Thanks for reading♡
-✘O Court

It happened, it sucks.
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