i lay there for hours
weeks, months, years
im not fine

watching television shows,
binge eating the stress away,
feeling numb inside
im not fine

i feel upset inside
my body feels distant from my mind
my heart sinks and i know i'm not sick
i feel fine
im not fine

i take the little energy i have left
and turn on the shower
as i'm pacing back and forth
for the water to turn warm
i begin to cry
im not fine

i cant tell you what started it
childhood trauma
past regrets
recent losses
insecurities eating me away
but
my mind was running a mile a minute
but it felt empty at the same time
it built up until i couldn't comprehend it anymore
im not fine

the cold turns to warm and i
step into the shower
i begin to cry and stop then cry and stop
i wash my hair and cry and cry and cry
im not fine

i thought of my mother
i thought of what it will be like when she leaves
i thought about why she always felt like she needed
someone to keep her warm
someone who wasn't her kids or her mother
and then it hit me
she didn't want to die alone
even if she had us,
though she's scared she won't,
she wanted someone who made her feel safe
because all she does is make us feel safe
im not fine

i get out of the shower
enter my bedroom
and sit on my bed and cry
as i type this
i cry and cry and cry
im not fine

i dont know why
i often have these
breakdowns
exestensial crisis's
during night or at random
but it hurts inside
it twists and pulls
and shouts and screams
and aches and cries
im not fine