The shivering upon my skin
Reminds me of my fingers diggings through my sins
The emptiness inside of this belly
Reminds me every time I’ve skipped a meal, or two or three
But tonight I’ve eaten plenty
And the emptiness I’m feeling inside of me
Isn’t to blame on my eating disorder over again
It’s more likely to be blamed on my pain
On this pain that can’t even be mute with some pills
On this suffering that makes me go up and down the hill
And tonight my fingers are shaking to hold something or maybe someone
As if the palm of my hands can make my heart feel better with a thing that feels close to home
With maybe nothing more than a cigarette, a broken heart or maybe a blade
And I’m in the state where I’m feeling afraid
Because my hands are searching for some kind of rope
Something that’s gonna gives me hopes
But I can’t find any with all this darkness surrounding me by its shade
And oh god I heard everything they said
Just eat, just sleep, just be happy
But how can I simply be?
And don’t you dare think I haven’t prayed God
And all these words I throw at the sky above
Aren’t going to save me… nor now… nor ever
Because when I pray that something will end it all
I’m still gonna wake up feeling small
And yet everyday everything starts over
I wake up and I can’t manage to say anything but FUCK
Because it’s just another day where I’m stuck
In this life, I don’t want anymore
and it isn’t just sadness it’s so much more
It’s the sickness of this life I’ve never asked for
It’s the sickness of hiding my emotions behind closed doors
Because when I open theses doors, often when I’m drunk
The next morning I always feel like junk
Why you’d ask? Simply because over and over
I give my heart away to some friends who weren’t sober
And the next morning they seem to want to forget my words, again
And I understand they don’t care, I mean I don’t want them to carry my own chains
But God, I’ve always wondered what if someone actually heard my drunk thought
God I know I can be a whole lot
But when I’m screaming in your bathroom that I want to die
Why won’t you listen to me and try
Try to take me in your arms telling me the void inside of my chest
Doesn’t make me a whole mess
That the water in my lungs from too many tears
Is gonna go away with years
No, I never got any of that
Yeah I got plenty of “I love you don’t do that”
But then you do these things excluding me
And suddenly it seems like my agony
Isn’t worth living, because for what after all? Some love?
Maybe I need more than love, kind of
Maybe I need more than words thrown at me
I don’t need words I need somebody that’ll see
That’ll see that I’m trying because when everybody shouts to try harder
When I’m on the floor praying for it to be over
I want to be alright, I’m tryna be okay but I can’t
It’s been so long I don’t even know what okay was supposed to mean
I don’t know what more you want from me, you got everything
And for more, you are still asking
I had a whole universe inside my body and I was so willing to give it away
But now that I did, now that there is nothing left to say
I want to fill that void again, not with another universe
I don’t want to anymore it’s too much to hold on and the void is becoming worse
So yeah you’ll catch me smoking and drinking and cutting and crying
Because it’s the only fucking thing
That deserves to fill this hole
Until I’m whole again or until I become the hole

- My fEelinGs Are a Nightmare