The day I said out loud that I didn't believe in God anymore, I slept with the lights on, because I was so afraid of him appearing that I even avoided look at the sky through my window. I still can't explain, there are questions that can only be explained to me if God himself opens my bedroom door and calls me to walk outside.
If all that I go through, if all that I am and have were my choices, then who was I before all this? Why I chose to be like this? things don't make sense, I lost hope, dreams, and love, I even stopped loving the boy of my dreams, and love has always been the biggest thing inside my heart, my essence doesn't exist anymore, I can't listen my favorites songs, they sound just like a noise, a loud but empty noise, my paint cans are drying up, all I paint and draw are crooked lines that create nothing nor take me anywhere, I just drop the paint on the canvas and watch it all fall down, just like my life.
I dont want to exist anymore, but they say that only God can give and take life, so I have to stay here already dead because I have no choise, and this is unfair.
I feel that my connection with the heavens has been broken, but if I think deeper I start to think, to feel that it never really existed.
Why am I so afraid of God? Why I'm afraid to question him? and especially why I'm afraid to see him? Isn't he the good man? Why so much fear? Why I can't turn off the lights at night? Why do I fear someone that I want proofs that truly exists?
Everything is so messy, my mind has been going round and round, and worst of all is that even dizzy, tripping every day in life, nothing stops for me to take a breath, the speed actually seems to increase, I can't tell if I'm gonna lose my senses, or throw up, life is a huge mess, and I'm totally unable to fix it, and even afraid I think that I need answers, so God should come and take me.