I think I'll be alone forever. I'm always asking too much, needing support too much. I don't know what hurts more, to live a life that I can't fulfill, or to live a life trying to pretend everything is going to be fine. I don't like how I am too much of a problem. I think I tried my best to be independent, but I think I'm not good enough. I think there were so many times I survived on my own and cried on my own. But at the same time, I sometimes become so overwhelmed I can't keep it to myself and put it on other people. I know that's what they don't like about me and its okay because I don't like it too. Everything is so hard. So hard to the point, I realized how messed up I am for living a life. Sometimes the fact that I'm living makes me sick. I think in the end, no one is going to be able to deal with me or accept me for who I am. It's okay, I understand why. I sometimes feel like my death is only coming closer to me. I'm too much too handle and that's what I hate about myself most. It feels like I'm someone else who hates me. I think the only person who truly hates me is probably myself. I can't self-love.

I think I'm insane, for wishing I want to die earlier every night. I don't even know what monster have I become. I don't know how am I capable of always being there for other people and comforting them but I can't do any of those to myself. I can't even tell my personality anymore. I never knew living life could make me feel so nauseous. I think if I gave up on everything and always cry everywhere I go, people will think I'm crazy. I thought my childhood fear went away but I think it's still the same. I don't know how long can I live but I will keep on trying. How am I suppose to let go something that is clinging on me? It's not like I chose to hold on to it. I feel like there is no need for me to live, for there is a need for me to go.

I lived knowing that I can’t, but I will also die, knowing that I can.
-10/8/2019