i don't feel like writing an introduction today though, but i do hope you all are having a better day than i am. i just wanted to write what's on my mind today because if you've been a long time reader on my whi, you'll know that i don't- well can't really talk to my family. its not completely that i can't, its mostly because they never really fully understand what i'm going through nor can i force them to ever know or understand what it is that i'm feeling.

On the 3rd of April 2015, i gave birth to my daughter Alijah, at only 17 years old. I know these days, teenagers are giving birth at 13, 14, and 15 but a teen or ( a child ) whatever way you see it, never gets easier.

here me out, it has and was never portrayed as something easy but as the years go by it has been more desired and just looked upon as a smart way to head for success.

throughout my teenage years, i've been battling extreme depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts and attempts. i never thought i had depression and anxiety until i started watching YouTube videos with girls and boys speaking out about what they were going through and how they felt. and that's how i felt understood and realized that i wasn't so alone.

being a teen is hard.

being a teen is such a complex stage of life where you're told to not do this because it would haunt you in your adult years and then on the other hand, if you don't enjoy that stage of your life you'll end up regretting never having fun and experiencing stuff while you had the time and chances.

you don't know anything when you're a teen.
yet,
you know think you do.

i suffered a lot when i was a teen but the most painful pain i went through was being starved of love from my father. though i've never fully admitted that to anyone. i was jealous of how passionately my mother spoke about her father, i wanted it so much too but there was nothing, not a single.. thing i could do to get that for myself.

without knowing, i seek the love i didn't get from boys i thought carried traits of my father.

confident, self-driven, persistent. the whole shebang.

i tended to be attracted to boys that were like that, and being a girl that had such low self-esteem, very little confidence and self- love. it was all calm before a storm when i got into these kinds of relationships.

i'll love the guys endlessly. very deeply. i would go above and beyond for them no matter what.
i'll betray my mother, my sister, my aunts, everyone that truly loved me for the guys i thought loved me as much as i did.

as much as it kills me to say this, but heartbreaks happen. they are inevitable.
you can't run from them forever.

it took me until today, to realize that nothing will never make sense until you take the time out to look from several different angles to see and understand what the picture tells.

it took me as long as to get pregnant by guy i thought i loved the absolute most in this entire world. he was so confident, so sure of his future, so proud to be himself. he was so much like my father.

i was blinded by my naive mind that i hadn't notice he never loved me one bit. he told me to abort the baby. he told me to kill myself. he rejected the baby. he said i was a slut.

igot it all throw to my face, but for some sick and twisted reason, in the back of my mind,
i thought, maybe now my father would see how much i cared about what he thought of me and that i was worthy of his love. i thought all the things he has done and said to me throughtout the years were just because he wanted me to grow a thick skin for guys that weren't like him.

i carried the child. it was high risk pregnancy. but that never stopped me. i was so focused on meeting this beautiful girl who would make me so happy, i though maybe i'll be happy forever now that she'll be here with me and just bring bring my fathers attention to me. i thought he would see how strong i was, that i was just like him.

i believed that. for the longest fucking while.

until now,

until now that i'm a single mother at 21, still living with my parents. my mother, the most selfless person i've ever met in my life. she gave us whatever she had. she always tried her best to gives us the life she know she'll never get and my teenage sister who looks up to me more than she'd ever let on and now, my four year old daughter who is fully dependent on me.

me.

i don't even know who me is. and as i type this with tears flooding from my eyes, there is nothing that can fill this hole in my chest.

no guy. no job. no career. nothing.
i feel so betrayed by life.
i feel so betrayed by time.
but most importantly, i feel so fucking betrayed by me.

why was i so fucking determined to be loved? why did i care so much? why did i throw everything that mattered on the line for things, people who don't? why was i so fucking stupid?
and as of lately, the only why i want a answer to is why am i still breathing?

i would be lying if i said sometimes i get this jolt of hope for the future, like everthing right now doesn't even matter... this will all be just a sad tale with a happy ending. my real life fairy-tale...
i've thought about it. heck i've felt it.

but then, reality hits like a fucking truck most of the time and those thoughts just feels like a fucking joke.
my mind playing tricks on me. my heart gets heavy and yet i'm left with the reality that i'm lost.

i've always been lost.
there is nothing i am more sure of than the fact that i just don't want to be here anymore.
i've given up so long ago, but i'm just so much a weak fuck to just ...go.
even that, i've failed to do..

and now that i'm a mother to this beautiful, smart and oh so fucking talented baby girl i just feel so guilty to leave her behind with no explanation.
a letter could never explain what she means to me and why i did the things i did.
it never would.
i would need a lifetime to explain to her what she means to me but i'm so drain of just..trying and seeking for my lost self that i just can't find it in me to give her the love she deserves. i hate the fact that she has me to rely on.

i'm so disappointed of myself. always have.
whenever there were moments i felt good about achieving something, i'm always thinking i could've done better.
and i could.
but i never do.

my sister have always been saying this ever since i've became more open about my depression and suicidal thoughts, that if i ever ..successful commit suicide that she'll be right there with me, that no matter what i choose to do, she'll be right next to me. she'll kill herself to o just so i'll never be alone.

and it kills me so much inside, that even though its evident that she loves me unconditionally that i'm still so selfish and stupid to think the way i do, do the things i do, and hurt her the way i always do.

why can't i just overcome this? why can't i just see the actual picture that everyone sees?
do i ask for too much?

i am physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
i don't know when i can be the person i've always dreamed of becoming
and sadly;
i don't know if i'll ever..,
but for certain, and as always, i've always tried.