Hey, what's up, I was just writing to you but now its 4 a.m. and I can't sleep because you won't leave my head.

I feel like I have a lot of different emotions right now because I have trained myself to think solely of you. I taught myself to make myself revolve around you, I made you the center of my universe and now you are gone and my emotions are like a zoo with no cages. There's a different category for each mood, but there's no control because I feel almost like I have lost all order within my head and my body. I am sad one minute, and the next one I'm happy. But the weirdest part of it all is that for once in my life my sadness hasn't completely consumed me, it hasn't eaten me up and spat me out like a worthless piece of gum its been chewing on for an hour straight. Its weird because usually after someone tosses me away like I was worthless, it makes me feel worthless. But this time I don't feel worthless, I just feel like I wasted energy on someone that wasn't worth it. It feels good to finally not hate myself because of someone else's mistake. Its funny, because flash forward a few weeks or months and you're going to be back, asking me how I am and want to know what I've been up to since you abandoned me, trying to make conversation again as if you didn't toss me in the trash because suddenly my love and support just didn't cut it for you anymore. I feel weird because as out of control as I feel, I also feel like suddenly I am my own person. I feel like even though posts about other couples make me sick to my stomach with sadness, and how I can't wear half the clothes I own because every single one has a lingering memory attached, even though all those feelings are still here I somehow still feel whole. It's great because I guess that means I have grown and healed, and maybe you are the reason for that. You helped me with a lot of stuff, you really did show me that I didn't have to attach my worth to another person who probably won't be around anymore a few months to a year down the road. You want to know how to you taught me that? By making me feel loved and cherished and important, and then slowly easing your way out of my life just to tell me you never wanted to hurt me as all the other guys had in my life. Well, congratulations, you didn't. But that's not necessarily because you are some stand-off guy. Oh no hun, it's because through everything we were and everything you taught me within the year we were together, leaving me was the biggest lesson of them all. If you didn't leave me, I wouldn't have learned that I can still feel like I am myself while also feeling like I have a giant void in my heart. It's such a weird thing because I feel so uncontrollably controlled. Maybe it's because when you left, you took all the fog with you. You taught me how to make my own tools while we were both in the dark, and when the light came I knew how to defend myself. I just have to learn how to use them on my own. I'm not scared, I guess I'm just a little bewildered at the fact that you can be so hurt by someone, yet not feel any hatred towards them at all. Maybe this is what growing up feels like, maybe because of you I am maturing. Or maybe, just maybe, you weren't as great as I thought you were, and maybe the fact that you treated me like a normal person is the reason why this doesn't sting as bad as all my other breakups did. I have no anger, resentment, or hatred. I just accepted the fact that this is life, and I am able to move on. In all honesty, I think the adjustment of knowing I can be by myself is harder than accepting the fact that we are no longer together. Learning to live for yourself instead of someone else is a weird feeling if its the only feeling you've known your whole life. Of course, I still have feelings, but that's what writing is for, isn't it?

See ya on the flip side B, or maybe not. I think I'd prefer if we just continued walking our separate ways.