Hey B,

I'm not gonna lie, today has been kinda rough. I've been feeling really really sad. This is the first time I've cried in a few days, but I think that's just because I've been trying to tell myself I'm fine when I'm really not. I've been feeling really lonely and really sad these last few nights. It's kinda like theres an empty void in my chest that I can't fill because losing you kinda felt like losing a part of my heart. I miss calling you and talking to you every night. I miss waking up 20 minutes before you came over, just to get back in my bed and cuddle with you for two hours. I miss your hugs and your kisses, and I miss being able to wake up every morning having something and someone that I love to look forward to. I've always read these things about how loneliness hurts and how empty heartbreak makes you feel. Also about how crazy it is that people can go from best friends to strangers in a matter of hours. I knew it was real, but I didn't understand how real it really was until you left. I know you never wanted to hurt me, but leaving me has been one of the most emotionally painful things I've experienced in a long time. I truly never thought that the line, "it's crazy how one day someone can just wake up and decide they don't want you anymore" would ever apply to me, or us. I kinda felt like we would break up before college, but I didn't think it would be this soon. I really did think you were gonna be my first year-long relationship. I thought I would get to go to my first prom with you, but I guess that's not a possibility anymore, which is fine. I don't want to make you feel bad because you didn't do anything wrong, but I can't deny that this hurts like a bitch. You broke my heart even though I know you didn't want to. What makes it hurt more is that I can't be mad at you because I still love you, and i know you're doing this because you say it's what you need. With that being said, I have a small feeling that you might come back. While maybe that should make me feel better, it really doesn't. While I do miss you and love you, I don't think I want you to come back. Now that you're gone I kinda want you to stay gone, because I don't want to move on and grow just to have you come back and remind me of how I felt after you left. I'm scared that if you come back after I feel like I've moved on that it will make me realize that I didn't really move on, and that all this heartache and sadness will return because I don't think that I would take you back, despite how much love I have for you. You don't know what you want, and I kinda feel like your excuse of not being able to focus on yourself because of me was king of lame. I wouldn't take you back because if it was this easy for you to leave, and if you broke up with me to figure out your life alone just to realize you can't do it alone, then I don't want you. I want to be a choice, not a convenience. If you did that it would just prove to me that I wasn't a priority, and that you are only back because you're lonely. I feel like this because you have a history of being undecisive. You showed that to me two or three months before we started dating, but I brushed it off and forgave you. Want to know why? Because it was clear in my head what I wanted, even though it wasn't as clear for you. When we first started talking you were merely adding me to the list of other girls you talked to purely for your entertainment. Surprisingly after I said I wasn't about that you cut them off just to focus on me... which eventually led to you ghosting me for 8 hours to make out with another girl because I didn't want to hang out when it was conveient for you. Since the we ran into a few hiccups with you wanting to be with temporary girls to entertain your boredom, whether that was talking to an ex, hanging out at another girls house late at night (who was a friends ex), or talking abotu wanting the opportunity to make out with hot foregin girls when you travel with your friends in college. All of those, amongst other things I can't particularily think of right now, probably should've been red flags to me that you didn't value the support of a long-lasting committed relationship. Clearly that showed up to bite me in the ass later down the line. But regardless, I stayed because I loved you, and always seemed to put you before myself when you never, or rarely, did the same for me. As I've been writing this I've becan to realize something kinda funny, but it really is true that there are two sides to people. While you did show me what I should expect and want from a man, you also showed me everything I don't want too. I can sympathize for someone who is scared because they don't know what they want from life, but if that includes not knowing if they want me, then I'm gone. The irony of it all is that youre gonna realize this after I've already moved on. For a while I wasn't sure if I really wanted to move on, just incase you came back. so that way I could be here for you when you realized you wanted me again. But hten I realized that even when we are no longer dating, I am still sitting here trying to put you before myself. I realized that as much as I love you, I need to love myself first. I can't do that if I'm sitting here hoping for you to come back while you're probably talking to other girls trying to fill up that gap you made in your heart by leaving me, thinking that you would be better off without me. I don't want someone who doesn't appreciate me until I'm gone. I want someone to treat me like they appreciate having me in their life. My heart feels sad for you because i know you will realize that when I no longer feel the need to revolve my life around you. I feel sad fo you because i can sympathize for how you will feel when I have to tell you that I am no longer interested. I'm sad because i know how much I love you, and that one day I may not feel that way at all anymore. I wanted to be there for you as you grew up and started to figure out your life, and I wanted to be with you for many years after that. But frankly, you're gonna have to learn some of this stuff on your own since your decided you no logner needed me. Now that you're gone, I come first. I am not an option, second choice, or some type of convenience. You made your bed, now you can sleep in it, and I really hope you dont come back because I don't want to relive this after I have already moveed on. I wish you the best B.

Love,

Mel