A little while back, I wrote an article entitled 'my weight loss journey' where I basically opened up about my eating disorder.

But first of all, I was so shocked that people- strangers that I don't even know would even read it and REPLY, dm-ing me and offering their help like oh my gosh you don't know how much it actually means to me ❤❤❤

And so, I would just like to mention their usernames here because their encouragement and kindness and compassion was what kept me moving forward. Although I didn't manage to reply to all of you guys, just know that I really really am grateful for your initiative ❤
@vero_much @thumb_elina @iamnicolemxlfoy @silvia_flo @camillanc @olga_lapi_ @NaomiEnw @grandeisthename @rrmy @hajar52 @2002ariana

Aside from them, I'd also like to thank all 1845 hearters that hearted my article and maybe you didn't know what to say to dm me but that's totally okay, I take each heart as a sign of support!

With that all aside, I'd like to start this article on my recovery journey.

When I was in the journey of losing weight, one thing I didn't mention in my previous article was that I also lost my period too. It's been a year now and I'm starting to get worried about it. I take iron supplements because I thought that maybe I just lacked some blood because sometimes I do feel lethargic and exhausted for no reason, I also take vitamin B supplements in hopes of curing my tiredness, but I don't really see any difference in my energy levels.

So a couple weeks ago I went on a vacation to the beach and that's when things started to change. I wore a bikini and well, insecurities were bound to arise. I saw other girls wearing bikinis and then a sudden thought just popped in my head like their bodies are matured, and I guess this is when I started to break free from my childish mindsets and start to grow up because suddenly I wanted to have some chest and booty, and I realize that being flat isn't always everything. I never used to mind having a flat chest and all but then I realized that I looked like such a kid, I never really gave myself a chance to puberty because I was so busy trying to lose weight at that time.

After my vacation, the next few days were sort of really low I guess, I started binging again but this time it was every single day, but I couldn't control myself, I tried to dig deep to find the root of the problem and came up with random excuses like "oh, I shouldn't have played my phone while eating" or "maybe it's because I didn't chew properly". I felt so so so bad but there's a part deep inside of me that knows the real reason, but I was still unable to accept it 100%.

Finally one random day, I just decided, you know what, I really.really.really am done with all of this. I want to be normal again. I want to eat chips with chocolate milk and pile up my sandwiches without feeling guilt all over. I want to dance around my bedroom and just be carefree. How did I end up letting food dictate MY ENTIRE LIFE!?!

So that's when I decided to let go, and live freely. I'm going to gain weight till I reach a healthy BMI, I'm going to eat whatever I want- whether it be a whole avocado or a whole container of cookies, and whenever I want. Basically, I DON'T WANT TO RESTRICT MYSELF ANYMORE. I want to be free from this devastating mindset that I have let affect every aspect of my life. NO, I'm going to be normal again.

So, with a strong determination and firm stance, I wasn't going to back down. I've started my own #projectcomeback for about a week now, and there are soo many new things I've discovered so far. Let me name a few.

Gaining weight requires time, just like losing weight.

All this time I was SO DAMN AFRAID that one single extra piece of chicken or a spoon of rice means that I have ruined my diet and that I would have to workout after. But now, I eat extra cupcakes, extra slice of bread, extra handful of nuts and I feel totally fine. I haven't worked out in a week, and I've been eating roughly more than 2500 calories a day- I don't count my calories anymore but for this article I roughly estimated it, and guess what? I haven't exploded! contrary to my old beliefs. I've just been living in the moment and eating whatever snacks I want and honestly, IT FEELS SO GREAT!

I have so much energy

I smile more, dance more, sing more, talk more, have more energy to go out and socialize, and most of all I feel much more like an actual normal human being...weird as that sounds.

YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON

All my life I was always so stuck in comparing myself to others, like why can't my nose be higher or why can't my cheekbones be sharper, why are my jaws so huge, why are my shoulders so slump, why is my voice so ugly, why can't I be genetically thin so that I can eat whatever I want and not get fat???

Coming from a person who lives in a family where both my sisters are pretty much perfect my goal was to be like them I guess, but don't get me wrong, it's good to have someone to look up to and a goal to work towards, but in some cases, the admiration could turn to jealousy, as in my case. And eventually anger and hate and then, too late, the damage has been done.

Anyways, that's for another story. The point is that, it's pointless. To try to be someone you're not. Like I have so many people I look up to and all of them are different in their own way.

I remember years ago a friend once told me so enthusiastically saying, "I want to be the odd one out!" and at that time I thought it was weird of her to say that, but now, I feel like it's true. To be the odd one out, to be someone special, now that's something that could make an impact.

So yeah, this article is getting a little too long now so I guess I'll stop here. But before I leave there's something I have to say to all struggling with the same problems as I do, that is,

Your body is just a tent to house your soul and spirit.

When we die we crumple back into the ground, where we came from.

We were made from a lump of clay, Genesis 2:7, brought to life by the breath of God.

Live this life for Jesus, when we die and we go to heaven, God isn't going to judge your for your shape or size, instead it is how well you have lived your life for Him. ❤

stay strong.

-a

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4