coming out.

I always wondered about coming out. first as something someone might do to me. then as something I’d do to others. I never really processed it, it was just something. underlined. capital letters. screams of terror. now that I’ve done it (kinda) I can agree with all that I thought. although now I think I’d add tears. and hugs. and love. so maybe it’s not as bad as I once thought.

one thing that confused me about coming out was my major crush on Legolas. I know, I know, it sounds weird. seriously though, no one man should look that hot. but then, no one woman should be as hot as Halsey. see my problem?

and then, came the moment. the discovery that changed my life forever. it was a relatively small discovery to most, but absolutely freaking huge to me. and it came in three wonderful colours. specifically blue, purple and pink. you guessed it! bisexuality. such a wonderful word that at first glance seemed to solve all of my problems (obviously it didn’t, but it did help).

then came the questioning. you see, I had all that I needed. an identity I was comfortable with, a celebrity crush, the internet. there was just one thing missing. well, a few things. but they mostly come back to self confidence.

I wasn’t ready to accept myself. I’m still not really, but I’m better. there were too many fears and doubts clouding my thoughts for me to let my inner rainbow shine.

this is probably just a phase.
you’re just doing it for attention.
you’re being weird.
there’s something wrong with you.

doesn’t look like a whole lot of pride does it? doesn’t feel like it either. but it’s there. and I don’t think it’ll ever really go. no, the thing is to accept those thoughts and move on. easier said then done, especially in such a heteronormative society (big word boring meaning. basically, there’s a lot of straight stuff and not so much gay stuff. probably even less bi stuff). I say it as a joke, but there is a serious problem here. and I’m not one to let problems be problems.

I refuse to believe that there’s something wrong with me. (whew, I said it. now I’ve just got to do it). love. is. love. and if and when I fall in love, that persons gender should not matter. it won’t to me. I am proud of who I am. even if I still struggle, even if I don’t always believe it. there is nothing wrong with me, and I deserve whatever love I can find. and I’ll be dammed if I don’t go out and look for it.

I am bisexual. and I am proud.
this journey is far from over, it’s time I got excited about it.