So this is a hard article for me to write. Everyone has struggles, and mine is very hard to determine, and very hard for me to own.
But I need to fight my struggle, because it can potentially dangerous.
I'm addicted.
I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though

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Everybody is drawn towards something. Maybe drawn to the light, to the dark, to anger...everyone is more susceptible to something. And me? I'm drawn more towards sadness. I'm a pessimisst. When someone gives me a weird look, I assume they hate me. When my parents scold me for something I should be scolded for, I assume they're doing it to hurt me.

Don't be scared, that's just trauma tryna reach the surface
And tell us everyone we love is gonna try to hurt us

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I find the bad in the good.
Chain my soul to the heartbreak
Sure, life sucks sometimes. Yes, I do have traumas. Some of this is not my fault-my birth parent's decisions when I was a baby is not my fault. The chemical imbalance in my brain is not my fault.
What is my fault, is that I love being sad. It's where I'm most comfortable.

Hopin' that my stress dies
It's like I hate it, but I love it at the same time

Whew. That is really hard for me to write out. But it's true. I didn't realize how much I gave into dark thoughts, or looked for painful things, until two years ago. My mom and I were in a fight, and she said that I chose to be sad. At first, I was angry.
"You think I chose this? You think I chose to be miserable everyday?"
She was right though.
I lean into darkness to make myself sad, because it's like something in me is determined to ruin me.

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And then I sit back and complain, like I'm not the one who's doing this to myself.

Am I the only one that has a loaded gun
That's full of doubts and memories to overcome?
And I complain about 'em when they shoot at me
But I know truthfully I like to load 'em up and let 'em-

BANG BANG BANG

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So what now? Truthfully, I don't know. Maybe in therapy, instead of talking about how the things other people say hurt me, maybe start talking about how I hurt myself. I'm not saying that I should ignore the other hurts that are placed by others-those are important too. But some of the hurts that are from other people, were distorted and stressed, and that circles back to my thoughts hurting me.
Honestly, I don't know what made me write this article. Maybe because before, I was so ashamed with my fascination and twisted struggles. Because it's so unheard of. More and more people are talking about mental health, which is so, so, amazing. But it seems as if no one talks about how sometimes that depression can be created by yourself. Maybe because people are afraid of being accused of attention-seeking, or because it seems as if it's easier to be happy if you're the one creating the sadness. The truth is, it isn't. It may be created by you, but it's still depression. And if you've been doing it as long as I have, it is so wound into you as a person that you don't know how to be without it.
I think I'm trying to own this particualr struggle right now because NF, one of my favorite rappers, just released a new album that talks about this very thing. In older albums he's talked about self-destruction and loving pain, but in this album, he really drills into it

Positive thoughts are my rivals
I'm tryna be on their side though
Should I feel comfortable? I don't
Last year I felt suicidal
This year I might do something different like talking to God more

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Hold up my balloons and cover up my face
I can feel them weighin' on me every day
I should let 'em go and watch 'em float away
But I'm scared if I do, then I'll be more afraid

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I fell in love with my pain and slept with my regrets

I'm high off the music, got my head in the clouds...I kinda like it up here, I am not coming down

Woke up in a cell, where am I at? The door's locked but the keys are in my hand. Hm...that doesn't make sense, does it?

He is so damn honest about how he could get help, could get better, but he chooses not to. People often tip toe around others with a mental illness, because they don't want to make it seem like it's their fault. And most of the time, it isn't. People are born with illnesses, or maybe gained as they get older. Some people struggle with the flip side of that. Mental distress caused by oneself. And it's hard to talk about it, because we are perfectly capable of getting help, but choosing not to because we are too comfortable. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and possibly BPD, but I took it too far, accepting this and making it define me. Please don't fall into this trap. This ruined relationships for me, because they got tired of my constant darkness and gloom.
The world don't stop because I'm in a bad mood.
I don't want to be that girl that cries everyday in class. Who always complains. I don't want that for me- and I don't want if for anyone else. Whoever's reading this, realize that you do in fact have the power to change your life. I don't want to be all "lIfe iS aMaZiNg jUst bE hApPy", because that's not true, and that's not as easy as it seems. It's hard as hell, and people who overcome it are so, so, strong.
If you're the same as me, realize that even though you're the one making you sad, it is still depression. Don't dismiss it as you looking for attention. It doesn't matter who's making you sad, whether it's your own self or the outside world. What matters is that you are sad, period.
I don't know, sorry for ranting lol. Mental illness is a hard topic to write about because what people don't realize, is that it is different for everyone. My experience is not the same as yours, so if you read this article and disagree with it completely, that's okay. This is my truth-yours may be different. Please don't be offended. And hey, maybe I am uneducated, and if you believe so, please leave me a message so I can understand better. And if you relate to this, I would REALLY appreciate it if you would leave me a message also. I would really like to know that I am not alone.
I love you guys...you deserve the world.

chloe