Hi, some time ago I wrote an article called 'coming out update #1' in that article I talked about my coming out to my friends but I said nothing about the whole process before. So, that' where we're gonna talk about in this article with the biggest question, how do you know that you're gay?

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But first I want to say thank you to @astronautalex for writing her coming out story because it inspired me to write this one. I also recognize myself in a lot of things she wrote in the article. So, my idea was to quote some parts in italic letters so I can tell you my personal story about it. I hope Alex permits me to do that otherwise I'll have to change a lot of things but I'm too excited to wait.

She permits to do it! Go check out her article too after reading this one. Thank you, Alex, ❤

Realising that you're probably not straight is hard
I always say 'a coming out is a really difficult and personal process. You have to be honest with the people you love about what your real feelings are. But, if I think about it maybe everything before you're able to come out is even more difficult. It's the most personal thing ever because you're the only one who knows what you're thinking. You have to be honest with yourself if you're not honest to yourself you can't be to others.

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My own story

Kindergarten
I would like to say you now 'I've always known I was gay' but that isn't honest. I've always know same-sex marriage was normal because we have 2 gay couples living in our street.
I know a lot of people who have had childish loves in kindergarten, I have never done that. I was just always playing with the girls. Boys? Not interesting enough. :) I this the first sign I was gay? I don't know and it doesn't matter.

Primary School
When I think back about my time in Primary School, I mention a lot of little signs which I didn't know back in the time. A little quote from Alex' article.

So this girl, I didn't know I had a crush on her. I just knew that I wanted to be with her all the time, when she sat with me in class or at recess I felt special, when she picked me to be her partner, or she chose to speak to me over other people I felt giddy, I wanted to impress her all the time, I thought she was the funniest person in the whole world, and one of the prettiest people I had ever met, and I was jealous when she would sit with someone else, or hang out with another girl or boy.

I also had a girl like that, when I was younger I thought I just wanted to be good friends with her because she was popular and beautiful and funny and yeah I thought she was perfect. When I look back to this, I think I maybe had a little crush on her without knowing it.

High School
The first year of high school when I was 11/12 was a difficult year for me for other reasons, I wasn't thinking about my sexuality because when other girls were talking about boys and crushes I always thought 'I'm just too young to be interesting in boys'. Quote from Alex' article:

This isn't to say I was crushing on girls back then, because I wasn't, but I wasn't interested in boys either. This didn't bother me much, we were young so I just assumed I wasn't old enough to understand crushes yet (I've always been a bit younger than most of my friends).

Just thought I'll be a little bit later than other girls with being interesting in boys or that I just hadn't met the right boy.

At the end of my second year (12/13 year) I started to think about being maybe not so straight as I always thought. But I wasn't sure, at the same time I was still thinking, maybe I'm too young or maybe I haven't met the right boy.

And then last year, (13/14 year) my third year, it's a really special year because there happened so many things in my realising I was gay and also in my coming out process. At the beginning of the year, I had the mindset I just said 'maybe I am, maybe I'm not, we shall see, maybe I'm just too young or maybe I haven't met the right boy, I don't know but it doesn't matter for me at this moment. I'm happy enough without crushes and boys.'
And then everything went so fast. At the beginning of 2019, I think, I knew it in my heart but I still wanted to wait because I never had fallen in love so I thought, how do I know this. I started to see a future with girls something I didn't before. Step by step I was appreciating that I will never be straight. In May was the first time I said something to my friends about but this not what I call my coming out more about that later. So in May, wait I remember I told them while writing my pride tag article so it wasn't in May but the beginning of Juin. It was the 3rd or 4th and what I said was just that I was struggling with my sexuality and that I didn't know it at that moment. That's the same as I said in my pride tag article. quote from that:

At this moment I don't want to identify myself as someone with certain sexuality. I started thinking about it more than a year ago and now I still don't know it. I'll say I'm questioned. Okay, just to be honest. I have some ideas about it but I'm not sure. I'm thinking that I can't fall in love with boys... But that's just a thought it can be but it also can be not.
I haven't any label so I can't give you a definition but I'm gonna tell you what I understand as questioned by myself. This can be different for each other. I take the future as it comes. Look, when I fall in love with a boy, okay no problem. When I fall in love with a girl, okay no problem. When I fall in love with whoever there is in this world okay no problem. I'm gonna appreciate everything that happens.

I said I was gonna tell you about my real coming out? Here it is.

It's not that I'm too lazy to tell the whole story again but it's just, I wrote a whole article about my coming out to my friends, coming outs in general and my label. This article was gonna be about the story before the coming out but if you want to know my coming out story just read the article.

Now
Now I'm in summer holiday between the third year and the fourth year of high school here. I'm attracted to girls only, I crush on girls but for me personally, the label lesbian doesn't feel right. Why? Because I want to let all the doors open for everyone. I'm young you know, I don't know what will happen in my life. Maybe I will fall in love with a boy in the future (I don't think that this will happen but let the doors open) (Please don't think that I'm bisexual after this sentence, I'm not)
I'm happy with how it is right now so why would I doubting about something as a label. (I know that identify as a certain label can make people more confident and sure but just not for me personally)
But... Since last month I feel like I'm growing into the label lesbian, does this sentence sounds weird? I don't care, just my feelings okay. I see myself in the future saying to people that I'm lesbian that what I'm trying to say.

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Fourth year
I'm not even in 4th year but I still want to say something about it. Last time, I'm thinking about what to do after the summer holiday. I came out to my friends but do I want to live in the closet for my other class and school mates or do I want to be just open to like everyone? I don't know at this moment but I will write an article about my decision.

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I think I said everything I wanted to say at this moment. But I know there a lot more so I will absolutely write more articles about LGBTQ+ and my sexuality. If you want to read those too, be sure that you click on the follow button so you can't miss any of them.

linde
linde
@lindebaeck  
My articles xx
Alex' article
My articles with the same subject xx