My life with a demon inside me.

For as long as I can remember I've lived with a voice inside my head that wasn't my own. Everyone has this little voice inside their head that tells them what to do or what not to do. That voice you sometimes argue with or tells you it's going to be alright. I had that too, so it didn't occur to me that the voice I was hearing inside my head wasn't the same as my own voice. I didn't realize that it was only telling me bad things. Things I didn't want to hear.
Like when I had missed lunch time and I thought I could wait another 5 hours to diner. Or when I told myself I wasn't good enough and I needed to do something about it. I needed to punish myself.
And I have done that, for a very long time. From what I can remember I've been doing that for almost 10 years.
The world had gotten dark and grey. And I felt bad more often than good.

Image by Red Fire
This is what that darkness felt like.

A few weeks ago I had a very bad day (again) and finally opened up to someone about what I was feeling. I told him about that voice in my head that was screaming and yelling and I was trying to quiet it. And he asked if he could pray for me. I said I was afraid to lose that voice. I told him that, that voice was the only one who I knew was always by my side. He asked me again if he could pray and for the second time I couldn't even answer him. I was fighting so hard to keep the voice quiet I could hardly even hear him. And he asked me a third time and I just nodded. And so he prayed for me and he told the voice to leave me. I was scared, but now I can look back and say that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I still have urges and I still have bad days. But they aren't as bad as they were before. I can really smile now, without getting tired from it. I can think positively and actually believe in myself. There's no one telling me I can't do things or telling me I'm not worthy. Because now I know I can and I know I am. Actually there's someone telling me exactly that. God. And He is more powerful than anything. So whatever you might think right now. Or whatever you were planning on doing tonight. Take a moment to talk to God. He always listens, even if you don't know what to say. He's there. And He's waiting for YOU.

Poem

I call out to You
But I can't hear your reply
There's too much noise
Inside of me
I'm never free
Am I losing my mind?
I am left behind
Everyone keeps moving
They all seem ot be cruising
Through their life
While I keep reaching for the knife
It seems unfair
Please don't pretend to care
I can see through your lies
Eventually your interest dies
I fall to my knees
Please give me some release
You have stayed by my side
You have even died
For all the sins I have committed
And still I am permitted
To live in Your presence
To learn from Your wise lessons

Image by Red Fire