July 24, 2019.

I had so much time without writing. In recent months I have been so busy and focused on other issues that I had forgotten how good it feels to write. But stress and anxiety are always there, waiting for the best time to make their appearance, and when they appear again it is difficult not to return to old bad habits; you think your life has finally changed, you think you've finally found your way, but maybe there are monsters that never disappear altogether.
And they always come back.

But there is one thing that saved me years ago, and it was writing, expressing everything I felt. The words you don't say sometimes become so heavy that they crush your soul.

Once again I feel insecure, I feel trapped, I feel so small and alone again. Now I know many things that I didn't understand before, but that doesn't stop me from feeling bad again. Depressed.

Now I understand that three years ago I suffered from depression, at that time I didn't know what was happening to me, I felt that I was going crazy, however, I have been studying psychology for the last year and I learned what was happening to me. And I feel it's coming back. I feel that emptiness again, I feel lonely, I feel excluded and rejected. I am falling again, I try to hold on to what I have, but I feel that nothing is stable. I was so hurt in some areas and I thought I had healed, but the truth is that no, there are still parts of me that still hurt.

sad and mask image

And I'm so scared, I don't want to be who I was. I did so many stupid things, I made very bad decisions, and I know, I know everything was wrong, but here I am again at the tip of the abyss, and a part of me wants to jump again.

Pain transforms you, it's like fire, burns and destroys everything in its path. When I managed to get out I felt so strong, so motivated, bulletproof, I felt so happy but humans are like a wave, at a time we are up, on the top, and then we go down, and we hit the stones, it's our nature. I had already felt these dips in my mood before, but what happened? What is different now that are pushing me again?

"Bad habits", we all have bad habits, but I have special ones that only appeared at that moment of sadness, and they are calling me again. And they are so tempting right now. And I don't know what the hell to do. I don't know what is happening. I need help, I know. I need something stable, to give me balance when I'm collapsing again, but three years have passed and I still can't find it.

I'm tired of hearing advice, they tell me "just be patient", they just don't know what it feels like. They don't know what it is to live like this. They tell me "everything is within you" but no, I don't feel that way. I still have sensitive areas and they have touched that, they have reminded me that they are still there, that they still don't heal, I felt so strong and safe, but knowing that there is still something that weakens me and makes me feel insecure, is making me lose the control.

Sorry if it was too much information, I just needed to write.


girl, aesthetic, and sad image

(And if you didn't know it, I speak Spanish, and this is my way of practicing my English. So, I'm sorry if something is not well written. ¡Muchas gracias por leer!)