[sorry for the not so delicate language]

So life pretty much sucks at the moment.

My mental health has well and truly gone down the shitter. I think that it is due to the fact that the summer holidays have just begun, and that marks the beginning of my gap year. Its just an awful amount of stress and uncertainty and that is the absolute worst for my anxiety.

On top of this I literally am friendless and spend every day just sitting in my bedroom doing squat.
(So if anyone wants to pop up feel free Haha :D)

So I thought, okay I will just get a job. Because, I need money to fund my gap year travels anyway, BUT. One big problem there, I have social anxiety! ... So I was given a job opportunity and I just decided not to show up, but it was the weirdest experience. Because, the morning of my mum was going to drop me there I had woken up at 6:30am because the shift started at 8am which as an insomniac was insanely hard for me.
I had been extremely anxious the night before laying in bed just admittedly and unfiltered I had a mental break down, just in my bed alone; which was rough.
So I was getting ready this morning, I woke up and surprisingly was feeling okay about going. I got ready and as soon as I was ready I walked downstairs to my mum and as soon as I saw her what came out of my mouth was 'I AM NOT GOING' but I didn't know why, it was like my mouth was saying something my mind didn't agree with. I felt insane. But I guess that is just my life.

I just cant talk to my parents about any of this, I tried with my mum, but she takes the mick out of me and mimics everything I tell her, in some mocking tone, when we are in a group setting. Which means in front of people that I didn't choose to share my mental health issues and personal thoughts and struggles with.

I CANT sleep! I am certain that I am an insomniac. Falling asleep is the most pain staking thing of all, I have tried every thing. Every time I mention this to people they come at me with a list of all saving ways for me to fall asleep. Which I wholeheartedly appreciate, except I have always tried everything that they mention; and they don't work.

I cant understand what is going on with me but I am thinking that perhaps a visit to the doctors, either for pills or counselling will help?
Maybe even just sleeping pills and letting me get some sleep will help me to rationalize things a little better... I don't know.

Hope this isn't just me.