it's close to midnight and i'm going through my nightly routine of feeling trapped where i am. i'm not sure when this became a routine, but every night i realise how much of my life i need to change to be happy. i finally decided to let it out, but i'll do it sequentially. each night finds a new problem, and each night i will write about it.

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from the title of this article, it's quite clear what i feel i need right now. the only place of my life i can remember is the city i live in right now - i can't even remember being in my home country. in all honesty, part of my desire to leave the city is also the desire to leave everyone behind. of course, i would still contact my family and those who i'm closest to, but i don't need to see people's faces everyday to be reminded that they exist.

i lock myself away in my room most of the time, i hardly leave the house, and that's mainly because there's no reason for me to do so. there's nothing new in this area, people never change and the scenery never changes. the biggest upgrade to the city has been the installment of a tram line, and that's more inconvenient than impressive. i already have a city in mind for future living, situated below the city i'm currently in - i call this place a city when it's truly tiny, no one even knows it exists half the time. my 'dream city', if you will, is a two hour train ride away, so it's not too far nor too close from here. though, i'm quite certain that i wouldn't tell all my friends that i'd moved here even if i had. maybe only the ones i care deeply about - so, one of them.

unfortunately, i'll get away later than i had hoped. i turn sixteen this year, and would have to wait until 2021 to find a new home, let alone move to a new city entirely. not to mention i can find zero jobs that are hiring at the moment - plus i have crippling social anxiety that completely rejects the idea of working a part-time job, considering majority of them are waitress positions or cashiers.

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i don't know when, but one day i will leave this city.
i'll leave everything behind with it.