So this month was my 21st birthday and just like every year my family ruined it. The day should be about me but every time my family meets, they are talking about everything else than me. Even when they don't think about it, it hurts me. I just want attention. Only on my birthday. The rest of the year they can say what they want but on my birthday I want everything to be about me. But no. There is always a discussion when my whole family hooks up. Like they can't talk to each other in a normal way. It always has to be louder and I just hate it. And because that is not enough my mom really let fall my birthday cake. We had to eat mud. I just hated my birthday this year. I celebrated it with my friends at a party, where we drank too much alcohol, danced too less, had fun and where the DJ called out my name at midnight, so everyone knew it was my birthday. Actually pretty great. That my birthday wasn't that good haunted me about a week. I felt sad and didn't want to do anything. At that point I didn't know it would get worse. I had a week off from work and used that free time for some appointments at different doctors and for going shopping with my best friend. I actually spent so much money oh my god. I brought so many unuseful things and a tablet, just because we had time to get around because we wanted to go to the cinema in the evening. Having time-spending money. That's it. After coming back to work on Monday, I had a breakdown on Tuesday. I cried my fucking eyes out and I didn't even know why. I couldn't handle it anymore and it was all too much. I felt so useless and unwanted. That changed while the day pasted by but I felt so... I can't describe it. Everything felt wrong. After talking to this guy at work and smoking with him, I felt better. But as soon as I got home the feeling came back and I wanted to go back to him because I feel just so good when he is around. Maybe he and I... We could be more. We are working on it. I still can't believe 2018 is almost over. Like what did even happen this year? Actually I'm curious about what's coming. Maybe 2018 is not completely over yet and there is more to come.