I need to get this off my chest. There was this friend of mine at camp and we talked a lot about life and just deep stuff in general. I wrote him letters because that is one of the things we did there. I was so awkward actually at camp. I feel like I tend to be awkward when I am nervous and especially around new people. Even this friend of mine actually because he is just this amazing guy, I adore him to death but I am awkward and nervous around him too because I see him as if he was above me and generally I tend to think less of myself than I already am which is wrong. When I am with my peers I always think as if I was less. It has been like this ever since I can remember. But I am working on it. And he helped me with it. He said something which I am probably going to remember forever because it changed my life. I was basically in love with my best friend for seven years. I never really got over him until this summer. And I told my friend: "Maybe if I lose weight, get prettier, he is going to fall in love with me." And he said something along the lines of: "He is not. It is not worth having someone who likes you just for your body. Forget about him. You are done. Just done." It is not even that monumental but what I took from that is that I realised I deserved better. I realised I deserved the same kind of love I was willing to offer. Because believe me, I am shy and awkward at first but I turn out to be a caring and loving person in the end. I think I am generally kind of like that but with my friends or a partner I am even more like that. One more thing came out of this. You see, he was my reason to be alive. And that is wrong. Because I lived my life for someone else. I didn't even care enough about myself to be my own reason to be alive. I am so glad that my friend unknowingly knocked sense into me. I found my own reasons to be alive, to continue with this life because I feel like I have a purpose here. And a part of that purpose is doing exactly this. Teaching you from my own mistakes, passing on the knowledge I gain throughout life.

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