We where shallow friends about to grow into something more. He was made of such pure beauty that he could not understand my pain. We danced in the way we spoke to each other, sending words to one another that merged into something above ourselves. Everything between us was so light that for a moment I forgot what darkness felt like.

The first time I slept at his place he stroked his fingers across my arm creating ripples of emotions throughout my entire body. The second time I slept at his place he wrapped me in his arm, creating the safest place I've ever felt.

But at some point things changed. Me starting to cry in the middle of the night. Him not knowing what to do. Me telling him that I like him. Him telling me not to make things complicated. Me telling him that maybe we should stop but then changing my mind.

"I don't think I am smart enough to understand you" he tells me one night,
"I don't think anyone is" I answer.

One night I am laying in my bed, smiling, thinking about us and how despite the fact that things are not perfect between us, they somehow are. Because this guy who came into my life was exactly what I wanted, the type of happiness and light I want in a guy. Ironically I listed to a song named "happiness" when I get the text that destroys mine.

"I think you are right, we should stop this and just be friends"

How can such few words shatter a body like that? How can they break a happy heart back into sadness?

We speed text each other back and forth, he tells me that we are too different and that it will not work, that it is better to go back to being friends before it is too late. But I do not understand so ask him if I can call. We speak and he tries to explain, I tell him that I think he is being stupid. He tells me that we want different things, but how can he know this? When I don't even know what I want? When we hang up everything breaks. Pain is not a big enough word to explain it.

The first night we go home together I am drunk and I tell him over and over again that I don't want him to hurt me. So he promises that he won't.

But the hurting I experience after we have hung up is to big to fit in my body. I do not know where to go. I do not know how to stay in my own body. He is just a boy who does not want me. He is also one of the most beautiful things I've ever felt.

We where shallow friends about to grow into something more, but we did'nt, because he did not want to. Because the craziness and pain inside me was too much. I know I cannot go back, that he is around me everyday and that he still will never be mine. I have to accept this. But I know that there are more beautiful guys in the world and I also know that this is what I want. Someone to be completely happy with. I don't want someone to save me anymore, I want to save myself.

So that is what I need to do. Become more stable, become more okay in myself. And then one day when I am ready I can meet someone like him again. Someone made of beauty and happiness and love. But before I do, I have to be capable and ready to receive it. I have to figure out how to save myself first.