(rereading this made me cringe hard)

I suffer yet another heartbreak and like always I'm here to tell you about it.

I met this guy a couple of months back, around mid-summer. I was in a very bad place when I met him, he made me smile and suddenly I wasn't in that bad place anymore. At first, the conversation was sort of dry but as we got to know each other the conversations became deeper. My heart raced every time he texted me, every word, every minute.

We went on this double date with his friends, the same day my grandpa died. He died a few hours before the date and I still went. I couldn't really do anything to mourn him and I wasn't really close to him anyways. I still felt bad and I did cry but it was mostly because it hurt me seeing my mom like that. Anyways things were awkward at first, he hugged me and I dropped my phone and the case shattered all over the place. Yes, it was embarrassing.

He asked me if I wanted popcorn or anything and I just asked for water. I thought I was going to get a water cup however he ended up buying me a water bottle which was pricey. Once again, I wanted to crawl and die. I've been having this crush on him since 7th grade and just a few months before senior years, here we are.

The movie started and since his friends were actually dating, we gave them some privacy and sat a couple of seats away. There was no accidental touching or we pulled out a move on each other. By the time the movie ended, we played on the little arcade area and it was quite fun and I didn't know he wanted to go get ice cream afterward so I called my friend and asked her if she could pick me up. Which she did, and he walked me to the car where we hugged.

The next time we hung out was at his house, we started by playing Fifa which he was teaching me how to play and then we played Rocket Leauge which I totally kicked ass. Anyways we watched a movie and we were both just laying on his bed. I kept on moving closer to him and halfway through the movie he put his hand on my thigh and when I didn't move or push his hand away he just left it there. He starting doing circles with his thumb on my thigh for a while.

Then I grabbed his hand and put his arm around me so I could lay my head on his chest. He has diabetes so his heartbeat was different from anything I've heard before. I loved the way it sounded, I found it beautiful despite knowing the reason why it was beating like that. We were there for a while until I had to leave, no we didn't kiss or have sex. He respected the fact that I wanted to be in a relationship to do that again. It's not like we didn't want to do it but he wanted to make sure until I was ready.

Since he goes to another high school across town, we didn't see each other after that. We made plans to hang out but something always came up from both sides. Most of the time it was because he had stuff going on which I understood at times. Hours would go by without a text from him and I didn't want to sound crazy so I never told him anything. But then hours turn to days and that's when we would have arguments. I always told him what I felt and he would tell me that he would try to not lag as much.

After that things would go back to normal and eventually we were back to that argument. It was hard and I missed him with the small distanced between us and I always felt as if I was the only one trying. There were moments when I just wanted to drop him, and just as I was getting around that he would get all cute with me. We starting to calling each other baby which was a first to me, we sent hearts and it was going so good between us.

Just before Thanksgiving breaks, we made plans to hang out. However something horrible happened to one of his family members and I tried to be there for him but through a phone, through text that was nearly impossible. The same night he told me he said "Babe I need to tell you something" we sent each other hearts again that night, I didn't see what happened to come.

I texted him the next morning but he never texted back. Nothing. Not even an explanation as to why he wanted to stop texting. I gave it a few days however the next day I saw him on an Instagram story, his friends. He was seating down in his bed holding his phone in his hand and not a single text came through my phone.

I lost him in a matter of hours without me even knowing so. I was mad, angry and then sad. Without an explantion, I drove myself crazy asking myself what I did wrong, where did I screw up. Then came the worst part. He couldn't even tell me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore or that he needed space. Nothing, he didn't say nothing at all like I never meant anything to him. Like this whole time the babies and hearts meant nothing to him, sweet nothings.

So after the tears, and feeling of self-hate, what he made me feel, I just want to say thank you. Thank you because in a way you taught me love, taught me that I am worthy of it. Thank you because you taught me patience, to not rush things and that sex is worth waiting until I'm ready. Thank you because you taught me that the pain that I carry now will leave once I get over you and because this pain, this heartbreak will only make me stronger. Thank you but next.