When I started writing this, I had clear purposes.
First, there was (and still is) a lot that I couldn't say to you, because you're not willing to listen.
Second, if I didn't pour out whatever was going on in my mind I would've gone crazy.
I told my best friend I wanted to write it down, silly me, still thinking you would read it and come back to me. Then while writing the first letter, I wrote "I'm sorry"; and those two words became an ephimere realization to myself.
Who am I supposed to apologize to?
There's this letter, wrote by a small but strong army in my country, sent as a response to the governament, who was asking them to drop their weapons and sit down to solve through diplomacy their conflicts so they would be forgiven and not put into jail:
"What do we have to ask forgiveness for? What are you going to forgive us?"
"Who has to ask for forgiveness and who can grant it?"
So who should I apologize to?
To you?
or to myself?
In the words of Selena Gomez, on her speech in the song 'The heart wants what it wants': "Everyone ask why do you still stay? And I’m like... I guess I don’t love my self first, that’s it. I felt like I know him and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But I didn’t realize that feeling so confident in feeling so great about my self and it would be completed shattered by one thing, by something so stupid.
But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault... I was in pain."
So I guess now I need to start apologizing to myself.
I need to start building myself up, again.
I need to stop ignoring the fact that yes, you're gone, and you probably will never come back.
And yes, you might have taken away a big part of me with you, because I gave myself devotedly to you, but that doesn't mean I've lost myself.
World is not gonna stop. And you'll meet someone new and I will too.
I still have a lot to go through.
I need to stop ignoring the fact that you didn't treat me right and putting excuses up for you.
I need to aknowledge that this kind of love wasn't right.
I need to stop running away from reality and face the fact that this is going to be hard, is going to be hard to find myself again, is going to be hard to learn loving me above all, is going to be hard to put in all the work that's necessary to grow.
But as I was willing to try time and time again for you and for us, is time to start trying for myself.