I love him. I love him and I'm certain of that. About my feelings I have no doubt. I doubt the future. I'm scared. I feel like swimming in the ocean, looking around, searching for something to grab, and then I get panicked. I always imagine the worst. "This isn't going to work, he's going to get bored, he's going to get tired of my bipolar personality, of my way of pushing everyone out of my life", so I tend to sabotage our relationship first before he decides to do that. I live with constant fear. However, I know it's him.

Things might not always be easy and perfect, and we don't agree on everything, but I love him and He loves me. I should show him my feelings more times, I should grab his hand and say that everything is okay and whatever happens, we're together, and everything is going to be okay. He can't be the rock all the time, because one day, he will need a rock. I have to be the rock. I have to push myself forward. I have to grow, stop being a kid. He needs a woman.

He is so good. I don't know if he knows that, and I don't tell him often enough, but he is so good. Helping is so natural for him, so easy. He is so beautiful, and complicated and simple at the same time. He always surprises me with something new about himself. I love watching him explaining things to other people. It's so amusing. He is so funny without wanting to, which makes him real and catches me by surprise. Always hungry for discovery and learning. Never stopping knowledge coming in his way. I learn so much with him.

One thing that I haven't told him is that, I will follow him. I will be present in his life as long as he wants me to. I need him to respect me, my decisions, my choices. I need him to wait for me. I need him to wait for me to get better, be stable, be free, so I can love him with all of my heart, because, right now, I can't do that. So much stuff going on that I lost track of myself, of who I am, and I want him to know who I am, without pressure, without rush, or my crazy and tiring job, or his studies, or my family. I feel trapped, and I need to be free. I need to breathe.

This is the only thing I ask him. I ask you. Keep being the patient man that I know you are and wait. Wait for me baby. I will give you a home full of love and happiness, but please. Just wait. And I will follow you.

Love,
Nic