It is still surreal for me, I still feel like this is not happening, and we would come back to normal later on.
But you were right, maybe there's no way to fix this, not on my own.
And I was honest when I said this, It was hurtful to me the fact that I always had to apologize, just because I was afraid of losing you, when you clearly didn't care If I left or I stayed.
I was reading our old text messages today, I can't believe a few days ago we were talking about our future, but now thre's no 'us' anymore. I don't know what hurts the most, that you left me after all this time and to read it through out all those words, or the consuming desire to reach out to you, beg for your forgiveness, ask you to stay.
I can't get you of my mind, I find new ways to hurt myself through memories every second.
Please tell me this is not happening, tell me you're sorry, tell me we'll make it through.
I get an anxiety attack everytime I think of a future without you.
What do you want me to do about it? Evverytime I thought of what was coming for us, I pictured myself coming back from work, going home to you, laying together watching trash TV while talking about our day. Waking up to you on the other side of the bed, showers together, making breakfast for you. waiting for you to come back from hospital, do it all over again.
I can't have that without you, I can't have that with someone else.
Fuck, I don't want you with anybody else.
You were mine.
But maybe we weren't made for each other, no matter how much I wanted you to be.
And it's so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that the only way to stop my pain is coming back to you, but you don't want to hear me. And it hurts me more than anything, the fact that you would treat me like that after treating me like I was your queen. So coming back and begging you is not an option, because even then, I would still be hurting myself.
I'm waiting for the day I run out of tears, so I wouldn't be crying every second.
I deleted all our messages, but not the videos and pictures. I deleted them because I'm convince that If we sort this out, everything will become better, and I won't miss those messages.
My memory can't do the same sadly.
So I crash down everytime I think of what you told me when you told me you love me. Those words were the only reason why I took a chance on you.
But now I'm saying them for you:
I pray to God that no matter what or when, someday, we end up together