I'm sorry for how strangely I've acted. When I saw your article I got reminded of what happened soon-to-be half a year ago, so I decided to write down what I remember of my thoughts from that time. And since I've messed up so much I'm telling you what started all of this, along with trying to explain why I acted like I did, in an attempt to fix things, and hopefully make you feel better and less confused.

Monday, 4th of June

Tired. Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. Tired of being stuck in life, not getting anywhere. Tired of letting the people I'm supposed to call my "friends" cross my boundaries, just because I can't make it on my own. Tired of everything.

So how does it matter anymore? Does it really matter if I find out more about her? What if she's the one who can save me? I know she seems normal sometimes, but there's something about her. Sometimes she just sits there, alone. Just like me. Well, just like what used to be me. Before I started pretending I was like everyone else.

~

I don't know how to describe what happened next. This was when I discovered you were suicidal. I completely panicked. I tried coming up with ways to contact you anonymously to help you, but there was not enough time so I hoped you would stay alive another day.

Tuesday

Hope she's alive, hope she's alive. If she dies my life is over. No, I better not think anything, what if the opposite of what I'm hoping happens because of it? Things don't tend to get better by me hoping, just sometimes worse. Better distract myself, let things go the way they were supposed to go, without my bad luck influencing anything.

It's so quiet. Barely anyone is here. I'm early, but still; there's usually quite a few more people here. What if something terrible has happened? What if she has taken her life after all?... Oh, it's because our class is one of the only few in school today.

I wonder who this person at the door is. Never seen him before. Odd. But whatever, probably nothing special. But my fleece! Why is it stuck?! Why am I always so unlucky? I can't get it off and it's really warm. Arrgh, I give up. I'll just take a seat and start writing the test anyway...

She's here. Phew. She's still alive; I still have time. But wait, people are talking quietly about something. The test is cancelled. No, it can't really be happening, right? The principal is here. This is it, isn't it? Something really has happened.

No. It can't be. It's not possible. This can't be true. It really happened. It wasn't her, but someone else. But no, no this can't be happening. Why? Why have these past years been so unpredictable, so tragic? Nothing makes sense anymore. How is this possible? This can't be reality. I must truly be living in a nightmare. Albeit, a very strange one.

Is this the day? Is this the day I break apart? Should I let it all out now? No, everyone's just staring. Sitting still. Shocked. I must hold it in. Even she is just sitting there, still. Isn't she highly affected by this? Or? Maybe she is, maybe she's just very good at holding in her tears?

I'll leave as soon as I can. I must not think. But I can't stop thinking. I'm struggling to hold back the tears. Why? Why does this happen to me? Why is this world like this? And how? How? It's just not possible. This was never supposed to happen. Everything has gone so wrong. This can't be real. I must truly be living in a simulation. Maybe if I just stare enough through this window, at the rails, the forest, the sky. Maybe if I just believe enough that this is not real. Maybe then I'll be able to escape this nightmare. I truly believe in it now; this is not reality. Now let me escape this.

Nothing. Nothing happened. I cannot escape.

Wednesday

This day, as the days before, I was still in shock and panic. I spent most of the day trying to come up with ways to contact you anonymously and somehow simultaneously try to not reveal my state of panic for my family. I failed finding a way to contact you without revealing my identity, so I decided that I would make a few last tries the next day and then if I still couldn't find a way I would have to contact you using my partially anonymous Facebook account.

Thursday

There is no other way. I have to do it. It's either that, or I risk her dying, and then my life is ruined. This is it. If I message her, I risk everything. No, I can't handle this. I can't send her a whole message. I'll just say hi; surely she'll stay alive at least one more day if she knows someone at least cared for her enough to send something?! But I can't even do this. I can't press the wave button. It will risk everything, and they'll find out!

And how will she respond? What if she's completely fine? Maybe it wasn't even her account? Or maybe she just liked those posts to support other people? What if she tells the others?

I have to. I'm pressing the button now. But I can't. But I must. But I can't. But I have to. If I just shake my finger a little, maybe I'll accidentally press it, and then it won't really be my fault. If I just go close enough...

I pressed it. It's sent now... It's over now, isn't it? Now my life is over. Everything will be revealed. Everyone will find out. She'll get mad at me. It's too late.

~

And this wasn't even all... I can't remember my exact thoughts so I can't write all of them down, but I thought about making this decision for hours. I know it sounds weird, but with my AvPD (and just overall high anxiety about all kinds of things) just initiating the smallest contact with someone who didn't really even know me was a huge challenge.

Friday

Today is the end of the school year. Who knows what will happen now. What will she think when she sees me? She has probably figured out that it was I who messaged her; that account was barely anonymous. How will the others react? Do they know? Whatever, I need to get this off of my mind; I need to leave for school now. But I can barely concentrate on anything... I hope I don't forget something.

~

Now it's about to start. But ahh I still feel so horrible about not getting that Star Wars reference... "What? You don't know what it is? You've never seen Star Wars? Wow, we're no longer friends now." Of course it was a joke, but what will he think of me now? He'll soon notice how different I really am from him. How little we actually have in common. On the other hand I don't even want to stay friends with him in reality. But if I lose him I'll probably lose the rest, and then I'll be alone...

There she is, talking to someone. I wonder what it's about. Now she walks down to sit with another person. Maybe she's fine after all. Or? Anyway, now it's starting. But this isn't the way it usually starts. It's about the suicide. This song... I love it, but I think I'm about to cry. I can't handle loud music, it makes me lose control. All of this makes me so sad... what if I break down now? How long until I do? What if they notice how close I am to crying?

Finally, the song is over. No one seems to have noticed yet. No one really seems to know about the message I sent either, but who knows really? Maybe they just decided not to talk to me about it yet.

~

"Hi?" That's all she replied. That's not too catastrophic. But what do I reply now? She's confused and has no idea who I am or why I messaged her. And does she really need help? Would she really just reply like that if she did? She seems to act just like any normal person would. Maybe she's normal after all?

I don't know what to do. I don't really dare to say anything, and I don't know what to say. Maybe sending this quote will help? Perhaps it will make her feel loved and get her hopes up?

~

And then things went a bit crazy. I'm sorry. I was trying to make you feel better because I was afraid you'd die else. "I tried so hard to be what you wanted", except not exactly; I didn't change myself to make you feel better, rather I just decided to show you whatever side of me, whatever feelings I had, that I thought would make you happiest. But it got really strange because which of my fears were the strongest switched a lot; when I was mainly afraid of you dying or getting worse, I messaged you almost a bit impulsively, while when I was mainly afraid of other things like getting rejected, messing up, etc. I was too afraid to send much if anything at all. And then there were a lot of misunderstandings making things even worse.

And this was why I dropped contact with you for months. I felt like you had support from other people and that you didn't need me. You seemed happier. So my fear of you getting worse decreased a lot, making my other fears take over completely, causing me to drop contact. When I contacted you again it was because you seemed to be getting worse again. Once again I did something kind of impulsively; I made my WHI account public and linked to it, because my thought process was now again "do something or she might die". I could of course have done something else, but I didn't know what other way to make you feel happier.

It seems I have failed with just about everything I tried to accomplish though. You're worse again, and I haven't managed to make anything any better. And I don't know what to do now, when you ask for help but then you decline my help. As I understood it you seem to think it's impossible for me to help you, but I believe I can. I'll listen to whatever you have to say. And you don't need to explain why you feel like you do, or even tell me how you feel at all. And you can tell me whatever you want; it doesn't have to be related to whatever has been said before.

You can ask me whatever you want as well. I can obviously not answer every question but I won't react negatively just because you ask me something, so don't be afraid to ask. You can ask me about why I've acted like I have if you want to and I'll explain, or something entirely else. You can ask me about how to build up an identity and I'll tell you how I built up mine and how you can build up yours. You can ask me what to do when you're in a tricky situation and I may not know either but I'll try my best to answer. The point is; I'm here for you and you don't need to be afraid of my reactions to your messages.

And don't be afraid I'll get worse by helping you. Don't be afraid you would bother me by talking to me about your feelings. Don't be afraid to message me first. Don't be afraid you'll say something wrong. Don't be afraid you'll annoy me. Don't be afraid of all the things I'm afraid of; while I can't stop being anxious myself without you telling me these things, at least I can tell you this so you don't have to be. And I want to help you, you're not a "burden"; I feel better by helping you. Rather, I feel worse when you keep pushing me away, because then I just feel like I'm annoying you.

And you can help me too. You seem to think that you'll just make it worse, but you won't. I know that you feel it's your fault he died, but you tried your best to help him; it's not your fault. I don't think I'll be able to convince you that, because I don't think I would be able to convince myself that in the same situation, but I know that you're a good person and I know that you can help me. The only help I need (besides professional help) is someone to listen to me, support me and believe in me, so that I can believe in myself. Of course you don't have to be that person, but if you would want to I would really appreciate it.

~

As I've told you, you can just ask me, but I'll answer some questions you might have already.

Why does it take so long for me to respond? Because of my anxiety, because I'm distracting myself to regain energy to respond, or because I can't use my phone atm. I'm mainly anxious about how you'll respond, accidentally hurting you, getting rejected, and others finding out, but I'm anxious about all kinds of things so... If I'm distracting myself, it's because I'm not feeling well enough to be able to respond, and I need to rest by doing other things (or just doing nothing / daydreaming). If I can't use my phone, it's probably because I'm in school or doing something else I'm forced to, or just not having my phone nearby.

Who am I really? I have a very "large" and complex identity so it may not be especially easy to understand who I am. I can't show all parts of my identity at once because they're kind of contradicting with eachother, which leads me to show whatever part I think fits best for the situation.

This sometimes leads to confusing situations, for example where I write very formally to someone and then really informally to someone else, or talk to someone about logic and about feelings to someone else (the latter rarely happens apart from our conversation though). All of these sides are still a part of myself though.

Then I'm also wearing a mask in some situations, like in school. This is not a part of myself and I'm just doing it in order to not be alone (which I can't handle because of my Dependent PD). Not all of what I show in school is part of my mask though, and if you want to know what is and what isn't you can just ask me.

Also, I'm not sure if you take me seriously or not with my Facebook name and profile picture. Indeed I wasn't serious when I chose that name and that picture, but that doesn't mean I'm an unserious person. I can be both serious and unserious, and just because my Facebook account may originally have been unserious, that doesn't mean what I tell you using that account is unserious.

Am I really depressed? Yes, but only mildly and in some periods moderately. It may not always seem like I'm depressed because I still laugh a lot and have fun, and I'm not just always pretending to be happy (but sometimes I am). I'm still tired of being stuck in life though, I don't sleep especially well anymore, I'm not having as fun as I used to, etc. And I feel like I'm starting to get close to my breaking point... May sound weird when I'm only mildly depressed, but even though that is the case I still have many problems and they're getting worse, and I've had these for so long now. I try to forget about these problems but they resurface every week...

Why do I look at your WHI account? At first, as I've already mentioned in this text, it was because I wanted to find out more about you so that I could know if you were trustworthy and that you'd be able to understand me. But ever since I found out how depressed you were I've looked at it mainly because I wanted to know how you felt so that I could help you better. I still don't know if you're okay with this; I'm just assuming you are since your account is public, you're following me and it seemed like you wanted someone to know how you felt. But if you're not just tell me that, I feel really bad about the possiblity that it's not okay.

Do the things I heart and post here on WHI represent how I truly feel? Yes, mostly. I only heart things I agree with to a large degree, but this also means that I sometimes don't agree with the full post (I hearted your article because I liked it though, not because I felt the same way you did, but you had probably already guessed that. I didn't heart the other one though because I thought that could be seen as me feeling the same, but I still liked it). But remember that I tend to mainly show my negative feelings here; I feel a lot of different emotions every day, including positive ones.

Do I really have a "deep understanding of other people"? Depends. I and other INFJs do tend to understand other people better than most people, but I still can't understand anyone entirely. Usually I'm best at understanding why someone acts in a certain way (and their intentions), but I can have quite a hard time knowing someone's true personality. So I don't understand you fully but I do understand a lot still.

Also, it takes time for me to understand things so I didn't understand you especially well at first making me change how I acted as I understood things better. For example it took a really long time for me to understand what it really meant that you didn't know who you were, and that caused a lot of misunderstandings. I guess you can say that I understand things perhaps worse than most people at first, but better than most people in the end. Since I analyse things a lot more than others, I may also overanalyse things the wrong way more than others.

Why am I writing this in English? There's not really any point in doing so but my thoughts are often in English and I had already started writing this in English so xD

Why am I writing this as an article instead of just messaging you? Because I'm too afraid of messaging you with such a very very long message. I've already done it before and it didn't end well (from my perspective at least; I tend to perceive things negatively). By writing this here instead I don't feel like I'm forcing you to read this; if you're reading this you chose to, and it wasn't just because you felt like you had to reply to me. This probably means you won't read this though, but in case you do...

Why am I saying all of this first now? Because I haven't dared to do it previously. Now when you followed me and have been kind to me despite all of my mistakes I feel a little bit less unwanted. I've probably timed this badly though, I'm sorry if this just ruins everything... I feel like I almost always deal with things the worst possible way. I'm actually surprised my life hasn't gone entirely chaotic after all of this, but who knows what happens now...

Why did I ask you who you truly were? What was my goal? As I wrote to you, "it would help" if you told me who you were. The main reason I asked that at that time was because I had a conflicting view of who you were so I really struggled with that and wanted to get a clear view of you. Who you were was like a war in my mind, and it just made me so confused and made my emotions go crazy... That's why it would've helped me if you told me more about yourself. But I'm sorry for asking this. I thought you trusted me more than you actually did, but the way you responded made it clear that wasn't the case.

~

Lastly, I want to clarify that I was still telling you the truth this whole time. Or at least what I thought was the truth; if I lied, it was because I believed in that lie myself. But I haven't told you the whole truth up until now, because I didn't dare to. But now I'm telling you because I've already revealed too much and messed up too much anyway, and I want to fix things and try to correct all of the misunderstandings. And I want to help you and that's hard when you sometimes seem to trust me and sometimes not.

This is the whole truth.