Written by myself, Angel Mariah

When I was 19 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression
I always knew it was an issue but overtime it became more like an infection

Always making me question myself and my sanity
it all felt like a stupid fucking travesty.

I tried my best to be happy
but everyone around me was negative and snappy.

I gave up myself for their reasons,
which just left me with more demons.

I kept a lot of secrets in the past,
some because it would have only cause me to be harassed.

I never realized how much I hated myself until I started seeing a doctor
she helped me feel like less of a crazy monster.

My mother was supportive at first
then continued to make me feel like I was the worst.

She never made me feel smart enough,
like the things I was proud of was just dumb stuff.

My father wasn’t there, all he did was care about himself,
which made me feel like just another item on a useless shelf.

My sister was there by phone because she lived far,
didn’t matter even if she was only away 4 hours by car.

She had her own evil to fight in her head,
she to felt she would be better off dead.

While I was in beauty school
my anxiety got worse which made me feel like a fucking fool.

I felt stupid for being nervous and sad all the time,
my mother would just tell me not to whine.

Mu ex boyfriend didn’t understand,
though he knew how it felt firsthand.

He lied and cheated, no matter how hard I pleaded.

I wanted love and acceptance,
yet he always made it feel like a life sentence.

I started taking an antidepressant,
thankfully it started making me quite pleasant.

It started to balance my serotonin,
so finally I felt unfrozen.

Time went by and I met my current boyfriend,
it felt like a godsend.

He came into my life when it couldn’t have been more perfect,
he just had some sort of effect.

I met him shortly online before my niece was born,
I felt new and young as if I was reborn.

Due to issues with my mom I decided to move in with him,
we were completely going out on a limb.

I felt it was right in my heart,
even from the start.
He has mental issues like me,
I learned we had one in common and it made me feel free.

My doctor tested me for ADHD,
in my own head I no longer felt like a absentee.

All this time of not being able to understand why I never had any focus,
all those years and I didn’t even notice.

A light bulb went off and I realized all my issues in school came from it,
my entire life my mom would call me lazy and throw a fit.

She always said I had so much potential,
if I would just do my work I could be successful.

Dyslexia as my next diagnosis
reading had always hard made me feel hopeless.

As early as first grade I had issues with learning,
I couldn’t ever stop squirming.

My mom wanted to hold me back,
but my teachers said I was always right on track.

She just needed to be there,
yet she never had time to spare.

Flashback to 2012 when I graduated which my mom said she never thought it would happen.
I don’t understand how the fuck she thought it wouldn’t make my confidence dampen.

I did it and proved her wrong,
I never knew I was strong all along.

I no longer speak to her and I feel alright,
all she ever wants to do is fight.

Fast forward the present,
my life is quite pleasant.

My depression and anxiety is still there,
but now I’ve grown to be more self aware.

I don’t always want to be alive,
some days i am just trying to survive.

I’ve changed a lot but I’ve matured,
I’ll never be “cured” but I don’t have the need to ever be reassured.

I love who I am and I’m never looking back.
My heart is gold, it will never be black.